Music Tells My Story

When chaos surrounds my every moment

And I have been subjected to loss & torment

Thoughts & emotions flood my veins

There must be a way to express my anger, sorrow, & pain

 

That’s when I turn to a wondrous thing called music

It helps me tell my story, no matter whether I’m happy or heartsick

I can find songs to tell the world just how I feel

Through the haunting melodies & beautiful harmonies, I am able to heal

 

Music flows within every fiber of my being, it’s a part of who I am

It can settle even the darkest demons within & make me as tame as a lamb

Through it, I can find the solace and answers that I seek

And It gives me a voice when I am otherwise unable to speak

Within My Mind

Within my mind, there are many moods, thoughts, feelings, fears, and dreams. It reminds me a bit of the movie, What Dreams May Come starring Robin Williams. Sometimes it’s so beautiful and one can’t help but be entranced with what they find. Melodies and harmonies that pair together like no other and vibrant colors that can light up the night’s sky, truly I could paint you a world that you’d never want to leave. And then there are times when I would barricade you from the entrance.

My mind can be a dark and scary, full of nightmares…combine every horror movie I have ever seen, every dark thought and fear, and you still haven’t a clue how bad of a place it can be. Sometimes it’s an angry place, though sometimes it’s just so full of despair. Don’t wade in the waters too deep. They may seem serene, but notice the chill in the air and the dark clouds that surround you? Don’t be pulled down, the voices inside me warn you. The ever changing winds can carry you from blissfully happy to sickeningly depressed to unhinged anger and then back to that peaceful place so fast you have no idea what just happened.

Overall, these days my life is fairly good and I do count myself as truly blessed. This doesn’t take away the demons that battle within me, but it does make it easier to fight them off. When it gets truly horrific, I go to God in prayer and He does help me. They’re never gone for good, but they can be kept at bay. Living with bi-polar and schizophrenia has not been easy, but with every passing day, it gets easier to deal with.

Over the years, I have been able to replace medication with music: both listening to it and singing it, writing, reading, taking walks, having long talks with those most trusted, prayer, and also a confidence within myself that tells me my illnesses do not own me. I will fight it for as long as I live and I must say this, I really have come a long way from where I was. I remember a day when most of my statuses were depressing. I really couldn’t see just how beautiful my life could be. I wanted a good life, but truth be told, I held it at arms length because I was scared of getting close to anything good. I am not scared anymore. Life isn’t always wonderful, but the journey is amazing.

Thanks to all who stick by me, who ignore the caution tape, and proceed full steam ahead…standing by me, weathering every storm, not just there when all is calm and peaceful. Seriously, thank you. Your friendship, loyalty, and love have been the sails I have needed many times when I wondered how I’d get through. And the most thanks goes to first, my Lord, my Savior for always being there, for always seeing me through, and for giving me such amazing blessings like family and friends like you that read these things. 😉 Also, thanks to my love…he knows that battles within me, and all he does is hold on tight when he needs to….promising to stand by me and his promises have always held true. Thanks to my closest of friends and relatives, both those who struggle the same way that I do, giving me people who can relate and truly help in ways I can’t explain….and those who don’t understand, but it doesn’t matter to them….you love me, you see the good in me, you pray for me, you help me through. For all each of you do, know this…I am thankful and I love you. ❤

I AM ME….ah, BUT, WHO ARE YOU?

Throughout life, we’re given many labels. I have had and currently have so many that I have lost count. I am known as many things to many people, such as….

I am Russell’s daughter, the daughter of an alcoholic and both town & family outcast. I am Danette’s daughter, the daughter of a mentally troubled woman, with a rough past. I am Mike, Matt, & Brenda’s sister and so much can be said about that. I am a Strahota and a Werth, though neither has even been my last name. I am Zach’s mother, the one both ridiculed and praised for my efforts. I am friend to many, foe to a few, and invisible to others. I am also known as Doug’s girlfriend, other half…the one who cooks, cleans, and tries to keep him organized. 😉 I have worn many hats, some not worn by choice and others I have gladly put upon my head. In the end though, it can be a little daunting. I don’t ever want to be so attached to any one person that I lose my identity. I don’t mind being many things to many people, but at the end of the day, I still want to be known as…me.

I am the girl that wears her heart on her sleeve, cries easily, loves to hug her family and friends, and will tell you without reservation how I feel. I am the one who is stubborn and set in her ways and yet tries to compromise whenever possible, partially because I hate to fight and like peace and also partially because I think it is good to meet in the middle, to both give and take. I am the who can usually be found carrying her camera, pen & paper, and thousands of thoughts in her purse. I am a writer, singer, lousy bowler on our team, dreamer, lover, and the one who will fight for what she believes in and stand up for those she loves. I am the the adviser, the cook, the neat freak, the bi-polar chick, the Harry Potter nut, the Hunger Games enthusiast, the Twilight nerd, the reader, the fast typist, the game teacher, the joker, the church goer and God believer, the cat lover, & the list keeps going.

I am part German, French, Irish, English, Native American, and Bohemian. I am mostly German and can’t drink beer, also I do not like brats or much else that is labeled as traditionally German cuisine. I cling to my Irish heritage, hey my favorite color is even green. 😉 The music is beautiful and how I dream of seeing the beauty of Ireland. I took french in school because I thought it sounded prettier and because of my heritage. I too would love to see France and partake in the food, see the tourist spots, and just gaze upon its ancient history. The English and Native American in me are two I have pride in and yet, they were at war with one another. I think good came from both, but wish they could have co-existed much better than they did. Bohemia no longer exists, but I was told that my grandfather’s family came from there many years ago and when they did, half of the brothers kept the C in Strachota and the others dropped it. Well, my grandfather was raised without the C in his, though I wonder how far back that all was…before he was born, but I am not sure how much before.

I am the curious one who wonders about just about everything. Why is the sky called the sky? Why is it called the color blue and why are colors called colors? What makes the clock tick? Let me take it apart to find out. What would life be like if we didn’t have to eat or sleep to survive? What would the world be like if no one ever sinned? What would it be like if we lived under water and instead couldn’t live on land? Why did my grandfather do the things he did? What was it like for my other grandfather when he was in the Navy? Why did my dad turn to alcohol? Will he ever tell me that he loves me? Why won’t my mom deal with the past? Why is her favorite color purple? Is she proud of me? Why does Doug love me so much? Why did Zach have to inherit my mental health issues? Why do people judge him so harshly? And what about me? Will my son turn out alright? What will become of me? What am I meant to do? Who am I really?

Some of those questions I will never be able to answer and some I know I will find out what I need and want to know. Some I think I can answer now, if I really chose to. The one I don’t really have to question is, who am I because there is no real way to answer that except to say simply this, I am me. There are many truths that can be stated, but none of them fully define me, they but give you pictures for you to view, to help you understand who I am. In the end, it’s just that I am me. I am difficult to handle, but really not so easy to understand, if you but have the patience to try. Do you have the patience and willingness to do so? And are you in turn willing to show me who you are, willing to let me into your gallery to see the many paintings, sculptures, and unfinished works that but only give me a glimpse into your identity? Might I hear your words, your songs, your thoughts, and your dreams? I will gladly share with you, no walls will I put up to hold you back, if you are but willing to let me in as well. I am me, do you want to know just who that is and let me ask, who are you?

A Plea For Empathy From An Empathetic Heart

How can I explain with mere words
The way that my thoughts and emotions work?
When someone I love is hurting, I hurt too
As if their heartaches and burdens were my own

Many times the empathy I feel allows me to help
So there are times when this serves as a blessing
By putting myself through the pain and stress
I can often find ways to help them hurt less

To be able to be there for those I love means a great deal to me
I wish that there was a way for me to make you all see
Though I feel as if most haven’t even begun to discover
Just how deep my love, empathy, and compassion flows

There are times when the stress upon my shoulders crushes me
From the inside out, I begin to wear down
Sometimes people take advantage of my good heart
And their needs begin to tear me apart

It’s not always of malicious intent
From others that has my spirit bent
In fact, often times many are oblivious
To the state of exhaustion I’m in

Now and then, I find that I need to take a step back
To renew the mental and emotional strength I lack
As badly as I feel to tell a loved one no
Sometimes it just needs to be done

Often, I am left with an ache of wanting to give and do more
Giving comfort, support, and love is something I live for
And I feel as if I was put here to do just that
But if I ignore my own needs for too long, I become a mess

I ask that you understand when I need to take some time for myself
That you won’t think I’ve become rude, crass, and uncaring
There are just times when I have my own needs to attend to
But know that my love for each of you will always be strong and true

Stuck In Wonderland

Crazy, chaotic, & stressful

That about summed up my life

I’d often daydream

Imagining myself away from this place

Somewhere fun, without any worries to ruin my day

 

Come with me, fly on a magic carpet

Imagine it and it’ll happen

Animals talk and trees do too

Chase a white rabbit for awhile

Would you care to have tea with me?

 

Stroll with me down a golden path

Make a wish or two

And watch them come true

What’s that you say?

Oh silly me, make that wishes three for thee

 

But too far down the rabbit hole I must have fell this time

The further from reality I stray

Wherever I look, danger seems to follow

The sky gets darker and darker

And an evil queen wants me dead

 

My genie vanished

No ruby slippers that’ll take me home

Someone call my name

Wake me, please

Save me from this place

 

They call it Wonderland

A magical place

But they forgot to mention

Just how twisted magic can be

Turning childhood fantasies into nightmares

 

As stressful as real life can be

I realized then perhaps it’s not so bad after all

Hurry, the queen is chasing me!

And my magic carpet has gone M.I.A.

Wake me now and save the day

 

The white rabbit is shouting something to me

But his voice has become distorted

The wicked witch joined the hunt for my head

I beg of you, please

Save me before I end up dead

 

Oh silly girl, don’t you know?

You’re not asleep at all

Though it is all inside your head

Focus now on reality instead

For what you see is what you get

 

No more Wonderland for me

One more glimpse back

I toss the key into the mist

And walk forward toward the light

For that’s the right way to go

 

Not sideways or upside down

Going backwards is counterproductive

I like to go on an adventure now and then

But sometimes reality is more thrilling

And definitely worth living in

Consumed by thoughts, as usual. ;)

 

Thoughts at the moment:

If you don’t like yourself, how can you expect others to like you?

We are often our worst critics.

It is often easier to give advice than to take it.

Actions really do speak louder than words.

Don’t like something about your life, change it, don’t expect others to do it for you.

Dreams can come true, but that all depends on you because you need to work for what you want in life.

We’re not promised tomorrow, so why spend so much time worrying about it? (easier said than done, I know.)

The past is the past, leave it there. Learn your lessons from it and move on.

You’re the only one who give yourself peace.

Love is stronger than hate, it always wins in the end.

We’re growing, changing, learning, and evolving till the day we die, so I suppose it’s always going to be safe to say, “I’m not where I was, but nor am I where am meant to be.”

Mistakes are a part of life, don’t let fear of failure ever hold you back. 

Embrace each mistake and use it as your next chance to grow.

Be old enough to know better, be wise, but be young enough to find the joy in life.

Your life is ruined only if you let it be.

God will only bring you to it if He’s going to bring you through it.

The power of laughter knows no limitations.

A good cry can cleanse the soul.

Don’t let hurt make you skeptical.

A child or an animal will show you your true worth.

No amount of make-up, surgery, or bling will ever be able to hide an ugly soul.

You were born an original, don’t become a copy.

Let your life leave an echo of laughter and love for an eternity.

So many judge and forget they live in a house made of glass.

I will fight for what I love and love what I fight for.

Don’t mistake my kindness as weakness.

I’m tougher than you think, smarter too.

Cherish those you love while they’re here, because tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us.

A genuine smile can change someone’s day.

Sometimes it’s nice to hear that when you have to do something difficult, you’re doing the right thing.

Sometimes it’s nice to hear that someone is proud of you, so don’t hesitate to be someone who encourages another.

Life is too short to hold onto grudges.

Find a reason to smile every single day, no matter how tough it might be.

There may never be a right time to do or say something, so sometimes you just have to go for it because you might not get another chance.

Oh and hey, everyone reading this….I love you.

A quick little something….

Need inspiration

I’m lacking motivation

Energize my mind

ABC’s of my life….

 

I was attempting to take a nap and my mind began to wander, as it often does. I started thinking about letters of the alphabet and things about me and in my life as it is to represent each one. I decided to run with it and make a blog out of it. 🙂

 

Applying myself, applying to jobs, Archer

 

Bowling, books, blogging

 

Cooking, cleaning, creativity

 

Doug, dreaming, doing

 

Empathy, experimenting, evolving

 

Family, friends, Facebook

 

God, grace, Grandma

 

Harry Potter, healing, hugs

 

Impala, ice cream, ingenuity

 

Juice, jewelry, joy

 

Kindness, kisses, keys to many things

 

Learning, loyalty, love

 

Making plans, music, meat

 

Novels, Never Neverland, new

 

Original, on time, October

 

Poetry, photopgraphy, prayer

 

Quick to talk, quiet time now and then, quick learner

 

Reading, remembering, rainbows

 

Scents, senses, sympathy

 

Truth, talking, treasure

 

Unique, understanding, uncertainty

 

Verge of awakening, vegetables, verses

 

Wandering, wondering, wonderful

 

X-rays, xeroxing the thoughts from my mind and transplanting them for others to see, Xmas

 

Yearning, yawns, youth

 

Zachariah, zeal, zany

Dance to the music that life creates….

Given a writing challenge, I decided to be one to accept and this challenge came from http://nostroviawriting.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/writing-prompts-and-blog-promotion-poetry-writing/ Check it out, would love to see what you have to say!!! 🙂

One can use many analogies to describe life. It can be compared to art, a book, nature, food, and in this case, music. Music is a very important part of my life. I feel it resonating, echoing in my soul. I try to let it pour from within my being and let it spill out into the world for all to see, to hear. My life’s song has been a bittersweet symphony, full of highs and lows. If you listen closely, you might just be able to hear it. I feel it is important to quiet your mind and take a good listen or other noises might get in the way of what’s being sung.

Some can’t hear the music, but I feel we all have a song within our hearts, beating our own beat. It should never be the exact same melody as another’s. We’re all unique, perhaps some of our tales are like that of people we come across, but the song in its entirety will not match another. Some struggle to find their song, to know their own identity. I have been lost before, wondering who I was, where I was headed, what I wanted to do. It’s a hard thing to live with, trying to figure out who you are. If one stops listening to others, what they say we should think, how we should feel, what we should do, and who we should be and become…it then becomes easier to hear what’s going on inside our own minds.

Within our minds is the rational and thinking side and also the emotional and feeling side, otherwise known as our “heart”. Getting the two sides to be on the same page is difficult to say the least, but it is possible. I tend to follow my emotional and feeling side more often, but sometimes the rational and thinking side takes over. When the two butt heads, it can be a struggle. I have over the years found a way to deal with the two siblings fighting within me. I decided to never again lose myself within myself. I wanted to know my song, feel it as it changed. As I grow, it flows in different directions. Bright and vivid colors swirl within the melodies and harmonies, taking one to not just a place of sound, but one of sight as well. I want one to hear my song, but see it and feel it too.

So, close your eyes. Quiet yourself from all the noises that surround you, even your own whirling thoughts and emotions. Let your senses take over. What do you hear within yourself? Can you feel your song beating within your heart, pulsing within your veins? Will you share it with others? Will you share it with me? Will you listen to my song? I don’t hide it from anyone, so join me if you’re brave enough. 🙂

When it can’t be said with words….

I am one who is known to have the gift of gab. I talk A LOT. Usually words do not fail me and often times, people wonder just when I am quiet. *laughs* I have come to admit this about myself early on. It’s just a part of who I am.

Now and then, words fail me and I find myself unable to speak out loud. I have things sometimes I want to say so badly, but find myself at a loss for words because I want to convey things just right. So, then I turn to writing. Writing is something I have been doing since I was 10 years old. It has helped me through a lot of rough times. Writing short stories, poetry, and keeping journals have given me an outlet to share my fears, thoughts, hopes, sorrows, deepest emotions, and my biggest dreams. So often, I am able to sit down and put into phrase what I wanted to say.

There are times though when even writing fails me. I sit there and stare blankly, unable to get my thoughts out. Frustrated, I find myself stuck and not sure where to turn. But then, I have an ah ha moment! Music, it never fails me. I can always find a song to listen to, to belt out, to share with others when no other way works. Music has been a muse and a friend since my early childhood days.

Music can excite, help one release anger or sadness, inspire and create, soothe a weary soul. I turn to many styles and artists, it depends on my mood and what I am trying to convey. I thank God every day for music, for the ways in which it has helped me to get through tough times and for the inspiration it has given me with my own music and with my writing. Music runs within my veins. May my ears forever be able to hear, to appreciate its beauty….