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Posts tagged ‘struggles’

Treading Water

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Wading in, feeling the sand beneath her feet

Wanting to feel the water upon her skin

Mindlessly, she keeps walking further in

Until she finds where the sky and water meet

 

As the water rises, she begins to tread water

Staying afloat takes all she has within her

Wanting to go back, but feeling so unsure

If she doesn’t return, would they forget about her?

 

Part of her wants to slip beneath the surface

Just give in to the weight that’s pulling her down

Yet another part of her doesn’t want to drown

What she wonders though is, why stay, what’s my purpose?

 

Feeling like all she does is daily fight to stay above

Sometimes it just feels like a pointless endeavor

But then, she thinks about those in her life and the bonds no one could sever

She knows one reason she keeps going is because of a life that’s filled with love.

 

 

***picture taken on North Captiva Island in October of 2018***

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The Cost of Empathy

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Most of the time, I feel my ability to empathize with others is a valuable trait. To be able to put myself in one’s situation and allow myself to feel as if I was going through whatever is going on has helped me help others. It, in many ways, is really a blessing. Empathy and sympathy are two different animals and not many realize that. To sympathize is simply to feel bad for someone and to empathize is to truly feel the sorrow, pain, anger, frustration, and so on yourself. Not everyone is able to empathize with others and when you’re able to use that ability to help someone and it’s successful, it’s an amazing feeling.

Sometimes though, it takes a lot out of you when you feel too much and often times, there’s not much you can do to get away from that. Sometimes seeing or hearing about bad things happening around the world will get to you. When there’s so much weighing on you, it can pull you into pits of despair. Sometimes that very thing we may call a blessing one day, well it can feel like a curse the next. It can be really hard to separate yourself from the pain that surrounds you, especially when you yourself have things going on.

When you’re struggling, some may even tell you it’s okay to take a step back from everyone else and focus on your own life and while you know on some level that they’re right, this overwhelming sense of guilt haunts you. “But they need me! What if I can help?” And doesn’t it sometimes help us when we’re able to help others? Yes, sometimes helping another can heal your own soul and what a gift that is. Sometimes though, it can be too much to handle. How though, do you convince yourself to actually put yourself first?

There is a great cost to one’s self when you empathize with others. We don’t always see it or wish to acknowledge it. Sometimes we feel that is why we’re here, to help others so that they’re not alone, so that we might do some good in this world, especially when there’s so much hate surrounding us. But to open yourself up and allowing other’s lives to touch your own and get to you, well it changes you. It can become depressing, keep you up at night, make it hard to eat or push you eat too much, cause crying fits you don’t always understand, and cause damage to your well-being and relationships. People may ask, “Why do you always put other’s needs ahead of your own?” “Why can’t you tell people no?”

Some find their ability to empathize a great strength, for it takes a lot to be able to do this. To make yourself vulnerable really does take courage not everyone possesses. Some though, they feel it is a weakness to make yourself a “slave” to others emotionally, if you will. Some feel that it makes you weak to be that vulnerable, to feel that much, and to allow it to drag you down. I feel, after really thinking about it these many years, that it is both, for me at least. I think it can make me strong, especially when it allows me to truly help another, to make things better for someone, even if just a little. I hate seeing people in pain, of any kind, especially those closest to me. If I can help ease their pain at all, I am glad to do it, most days. There are times when I feel it does hinder me though. There are times when I feel like it’s too much and that it’s taking its toll on me. Sometimes I do feel weakened by it.

I will admit that there are times when there is so much going on and my mind feels as if it’s going to come unhinged. And while there’s some feelings of guilt for “abandoning” people who need me, sometimes I admit it is best when I shut myself out from those around me so that I can focus on me for a moment, so I can think and sort things out. Sometimes I need a breather, some time to relax and let the stress levels come down. Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever needed to walk away from everyone else for a little bit so that you could fix your own problems? Have you ever felt so dragged down by what everyone around you is going through that you feel like you’re about to lose control of yourself? What do you do when you feel these things? And how do you convince yourself that you’re not being a bad friend or relative? How do you convince yourself that it’s okay to look out for you before others sometimes?

Mostly, I do feel being, what some call an Empath, is a good thing. But yeah, it really can cost you. The trick is to find a healthy balance, but often times we don’t know how to achieve that. I think it’s a learning process, one we may never fully succeed at, but perhaps get better at as the years go by. Here’s to learning, growing, helping  one another, and yet not neglecting ourselves. May we get even a little bit better each day and finding ways to improve both our lives and those around us.

Ramblings of a Bi-polar Nature

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Riding high on a wave of intense mania

Energetic and ready to take on the world

That is until some little thing gets on my nerves

Now it feels like everything is going wrong

And I’m dwelling on every bad thing that’s ever happened

Don’t look at me wrong, I’ll likely snap at you

Though after I’m done ruining everyone’s day

I will feel horribly guilty and tear myself down

Feeling like the worst thing to ever happen to those I love

I’ve fallen into a pool of regret, guilt, and shame

Not seeing a way out of the sadness I’ve slipped into

Wishing for a life preserver so I can pull myself out

Up and down so often I feel dizzy and unsure of where I am

Why does it have to be like this?

I try writing, talking, praying, singing, walking, and more

Sometimes these things help tremendously

And I am so grateful for the support system in my life

Sometimes though, nothing seems to work

And I don’t see a way out or feel the love that’s there

I feel like a yo-yo and I just want to cut the strings

This journey has been rough and is likely to always be

But I know I am not on this path alone

What I go through touches more lives than just my own

My mood swings hurt more than just me

Over the years, I have driven many away

It’s hurt when relationships end and I feel like I have failed

Yet once again, people feel like they can’t deal with it anymore

I do have to say though, that in the most recent years

It’s gotten easier to deal with and as that’s happened

And the bonds formed have lasted, not so easy to break

I will say this now, hoping all will understand

Each of you that stands by me helps more than you know

You make it easier to get through each difficult day

You remind me that each phase will pass

You make me smile, see the beauty within

Your love, loyalty, and devotion is my greatest weapon

When great anger or sadness threaten to take me down

Your support wields within my hands

And like a blaze of fire, conquers it, even if only for a little while

Every day is a struggle, but you make it easier to fight

I lose some individual battles, but the war is far from over

Each victory over my inner demons is celebrated

Bi-polar threatens my happiness and my sanity

But I will not let it win, for I have too many reasons to keep going

Many of them are those of you that are by my side

Thank you for reading this lengthy post

Sort of poetry, sort of prose, more like a solo therapy session

Go from this knowing how very loved you are

And how grateful I am to have each of you by my side.

Our Greatest Foe – Our Own Minds

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There are endless enemies among us, but there is often no greater foe than the demons that live within us.

Every single day is a battle against ourselves, fighting the evil that’s within us all. But make no mistake, even though sometimes we lose, it’s always worth the fight.

There’s much good within us too and to see it in play is an amazing thing. So I encourage each of you that feels like they’re struggling today to fight, fight to keep those inner demons at bay and let your good shine through. ♡♡♡

The Not So Easy Christian Life

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Some say that God won’t give you more than you can handle

But here’s the thing, sometimes it still feels like it’s too much

Sometimes we feel like we’re drowning and like there’s no way out

Sometimes we doubt and sometimes we lose faith

 

Some say that God will always provide a way out of temptation

But guess what, sometimes we don’t see the way out

And sometimes we blatantly wish not to see it

Sometimes we want to give in to it and just dive in head first

 

Some say that it must be so easy to be a Christian

But in truth, sometimes it’s really not so easy

We’re constantly judged, seen as holier than thou

Sometimes people won’t give us the chance they want to be given

 

Some think we don’t struggle the way others do

But that’s not true, we do and sometimes we feel alone

Sometimes we fail, we fall short, and fall down

And sometimes we need understanding, compassion, and forgiveness

 

Those that truly love and follow Christ are not pure rays of sunshine

There is light and dark within all of us

And for as much as non Christians wish to be seen, heard, and not judged

We wish the same thing for ourselves too

 

It’s not just so simple to stay on the path that God has set before us

There are those that call themselves Christian, but then judge harshly

Which makes everyone who wears that title look bad

And it is frustrating to those who are just trying to show His love

 

The life of a Christian is not simply about going to church

It’s not just about giving, donating, and giving of our time

There is so much more to it than people on the outside see

We just want people to open up their eyes and see us for who we are

 

We have flaws, insecurities, doubts, and struggle with life too

What gets us through that is God, prayer, and one another

Though sometimes we don’t just simply get through it

Do you not see that we’re human too?

 

We’re mocked, criticized, put down, and shut out

Some hear the word Christian and turn us away

We have been beaten and killed for our beliefs

And not just in foreign countries, but here at home as well

 

Being a Christian is about more than a title

More than wearing a cross around our necks

More than about the scriptures we quote

And more than just the words we sing in worship

 

It’s about love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness

It’s about being a beacon of light and of hope to others

It’s about that while we know we too fall short

That there is someone that loves us no matter what

 

It’s about showing the same to everyone else

Which includes ourselves, which isn’t always so easy to do

It’s about the chance at salvation He’s given us

And about spreading His word, so that others may believe too

 

It’s not about judgement, for none of us have that right

It’s not about who has the nicest home, clothes, and car

It’s not about your past or how dark it may have been

It’s about your future and how amazing it can be

 

The reality of it all is that we know not everyone will agree

Some will continue to hate us, but we’re still called to try

And as much as you want respect for your beliefs

We want the same from you in return

Hello June

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Well, the first five months of the year have been interesting. 2014 started out with a car accident. I was trying to stop at a yellow light and my car hit a patch of ice. My car slid out, went over the median, and took down a traffic light. It was so scary. No one was hurt and my boyfriend was able to repair my car. My job ended because my boss was having issues dealing with his business failing and he couldn’t afford the payroll each week. By the time February started, I was feeling pretty rough. Though I still was grateful for the life God has given me. I had a temp. job, but that didn’t last long either. My b/f and I tried to see the bright side of me not working, that I could take care of our puppy and work on her potty training.

I did what I could to be an equal in our home by taking care of Lucy during the day, cleaning, cooking, running errands, etc. I still felt horrible not being able to contribute much. My neighbor did offer me some money to clean her home once a week. It was something and was happy to help her as well because she’d been so busy. Then I was given another temp. assignment, which I am still working. But not long after, I got bronchitis, so badly that it lasted a month. I tried over the counter medicine, but nothing was working. So, finally I gave in and went to a walk in clinic. The doctor knew within minutes what was wrong and got me the medicine that I needed. I am lucky to have such an understanding boss. At the time I was sick, her husband had the same thing, so she said she understood.

All was well, but then this Wednesday on my way to work I got into a bad car accident. It was my fault. I wasn’t paying enough attention. On the off ramp, I noticed the light was green and that traffic was starting to move, but only the cars at the front of the line had moved, which I failed to notice until it was too late. I tried to stop, but my brakes locked up and the next thing I knew, I was breathing in the dust from the airbag. It was a very frightening morning. Luckily, all involved are okay. (The lady I hit slid into a third car, but that woman is okay and her car didn’t appear to have any damage.) Unluckily, my car is totaled and the lady I hit couldn’t drive her car away either. I feel so horrible about all of it. Everyone tells me that I was hurt the worst and since they’re only minor injuries, it’s a blessing because that means I didn’t hurt anyone. But, that lady’s car is so badly damaged. I know that our lives are more important and believe me, I am grateful we’re all okay. I know things will be alright in the end, especially because Doug has been so helpful and supportive. I am beyond blessed to have him in my life and my friends too that have been so wonderful.

I do hope though that with the beginning of June that things look up a bit. I pray for healing, for the ability to forgive myself, for job security, for financial wellness for our little family, and for good times for not only our family, but all in my life. Hello June, please bring with you such joy, friendship, happiness, and love that we can find by opening our hearts and working hard towards our goals.

Life: Live It

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When the rain falls, don’t hide yourself away

Learn how to dance your way through the storms

And when the sun is shining brightly upon you

Don’t take a single minute of that for granted

 

Life is a series of ups and downs

A crazy roller coaster ride of emotions

There are lessons to learn

And memories to be made

 

Your heart will be broken

And you might break a few yourself

You’ll know loss and pain

Disappointment and strife visits us all

 

And while there are times it seems easier to give up

In the end, it’s always worth it to find your way through

Even though it may not seem that way at the time

The dark times don’t last forever

 

Though neither do the good ones

So when they’re upon you

Remember to appreciate each moment

Cherish every laugh, smile, kind word, and embrace

 

Love boldly with every fiber of your soul

Don’t let loss or fear of rejection hold you back

Feel every single emotion unashamedly 

Embrace change, take risks, and always be true to yourself

 

We were born to be an individual work of art

Original, truly one of a kind

Don’t blend in just to gain acceptance 

Or even just to go unnoticed

 

Life isn’t always easy

And we don’t always understand why

Or how things happen the way that they do

But it’s all worth it in the end

 

Having faced lots of loss and pain myself

I have come to realize that life is short

Quite fleeting and fickle

Taking us from this world many times without notice

 

And I have decided that I want my life to mean something

For however long I am to walk this earth

I want to have touched people’s hearts

To love those around me with all I have each day

 

For without love, what is there really?

I know that is why I am here

To be a friend, to help, to give, to heal

That is what I will leave behind, a great legacy of love

 

(And I encourage you to do the same.)

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