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Posts tagged ‘sadness’

Maybe

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When the life of someone you love slips away, your first reaction may be to shut down. Maybe you cry your eyes out. Maybe you feel hopeless and helpless. Maybe you hold your child extra tight. Maybe you say extra prayers. Maybe you wonder why. Maybe you try to be grateful for a life that is still yours. Maybe the emotional part of your brain aches in ways you can’t explain. Maybe you wish things were different. Maybe you feel guilty for still being here. Maybe a part of you is thankful for all you have. Maybe you are confused. Maybe you are torn. Maybe you are just trying to find a way to push forward. There is just so much loss, heartache, and pain. But, we have to keep going while it’s our time to be and maybe we need to find ways to help others do the same. Maybe. Maybe.

Rest in peace, my dear friend, Latasha Greer. You will live on through your girls, your husband, and all else who love you. You changed our lives and touched our hearts. For that, you’ll never be forgotten.

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Trapped

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Trapped

Trapped without light

Without light

Without light, no sound

No sound

No sound but the voices in my head

The voices in my head

The voices in my head frighten me

 

Alone

Alone in the darkness

The darkness

The darkness brings an eerie comfort

An eerie comfort

An eerie comfort washes over me

Washes over me

Washes over me with an intensity

 

Depression

Depression takes hold of me

Takes hold of me

Takes hold of me and won’t let go

Won’t let go of my every thought

My every thought

My every thought grows darker

Grows darker by the hour

 

Tears

Tears flow violently

Flow violently

Flow violently into a puddle

Into a puddle

Into a puddle that continues to grow

Continues to grow

Continues to grow until it consumes me

 

Drowning

Drowning in pain

In pain

In pain and begging it to stop

Begging it to stop

Begging it to stop as the tears continue

The tears continue

The tears continue to swallow my soul

 

Numbness

Numbness takes over

Takes over

Takes over as I close my eyes

I close my eyes

I close my eyes and drift away

Drift away to a place full of light

Healthy mind, healthy body

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Some know this and some do not, that a healthy mind and a healthy body go hand in hand. It’s important to take care of yourself, in every way.

A month ago, I joined the Optavia program to better myself, mostly my physical self. What I’ve come to realize is, my mental health is just as important and when you work on them both, they effect each other.

Today, I began a four week challenge within the healthy habits group I’m in, that’s a part of the Optavia program. It’s a weight loss challenge, but it’s more about us as individuals, not for us to compete against one another. This isn’t The Biggest Loser, no one is getting voted off if they have a rough week.

One thing we’re supposed to do is work on a healthy goal each week. This week, mine is to focus on my mental health. I have struggled with mental health issues since childhood. I’ve learned to manage them much better over the years, but they still get the best of me some days. As of late, I’ve been more irritable. The mania has kicked in and I’ve been so short tempered and over stupid stuff.

My grandma just died, a week ago, so I’m sure that has a lot to do with it. Losing her is the hardest death I’ve had to deal with. I’ve lost family and friends over the years, but no one was super close to me, except one friend, who died nearly two years ago. I still have a hard time with that sometimes, more lately for some reason and now my grandma is gone.

She was not just “Grandma” to me, she was a second mom, a friend at times, and someone I could count on when I felt alone, when I had no where else to go, when I needed help with bills or needed a sitter for my son, or just needed to talk. She has done more for me than anyone else. As I write this, my heart aches. I feel the grief tearing at the scar tissue, ready to burst open to painful wounds.

I feel grief, sadness, and like a part of me is missing. Grief is the unfortunate price of love. I’m glad, in a way, to feel this pain. It means that the love we shared was real, that the connection we had was strong. But, oh, is it ever gut wrenching and sometimes outright debilitating.

Next comes the guilt I feel, over not being there enough the past few years. She did so much for me. When she needed someone to look after her, but wouldn’t admit it, I stepped in.

I took care of her on my own for over a year. It got increasingly difficult and eventually, I left and let my uncle step in. I feel awful. I made sure her home was clean, her meds were taken at the proper time, fought with her to shower and use her walker, paid her bills, ran her errands, did her laundry, made and transported her to appointments, cooked meals, and kept her company. It was difficult, but things seemed to be managed. I left and the house got destroyed all over again and she became a shut in.

I feel angry at myself for walking away when it got too hard and angry at my uncle for not doing more. He’s a big part of why I stepped in in the first place. I thought maybe though that things would be different this time. My mom also said I needed to focus on my son and relationship with my now husband. She told me not to feel guilty, that I was doing what I needed to do for my family. Yet, a part of me still feels so angry with myself. I need to let it go, but not sure how. I need to stop being angry with my uncle for letting things get the way they did, with my other family members for not being there at all, and with others, who like myself, maybe could have done more. I need to let go. She was old, unhappy, and in pain. It was time for her to be called home.

Something else weighing heavily on my mind is my son and this court situation. I need to stop obsessing over what I can’t control, give it to God, and pray for the best outcome for my boy. It’s easier said than done though. His well-bing and happiness are so important to me.

I fought the good fight, as it were, nine years ago. If I’m being honest, it went the way it needed to back then. I didn’t see that at the time. I didn’t lose and neither did his dad. Our son won, because he finally had a set schedule with me and that was much needed. His dad retained placement and I saw that as a slap in the face, but now I know it was what was best at that time.

Things have changed drastically over the years and I, along with many others, no longer feel this is what’s best, not for him or anyone closely involved. He has been asking us for years to have primary placement given back to me. His dad either ignored him, said let’s give it more time, or outright said it’ll never happen. I tried to work with him for years on this, but he won’t budge. Our son finally told me last summer, “He’ll never change his mind, Mom. You’ll need to go to court to make it happen.”

I held out hope for a little bit, with every bad thing that happened, I hoped his dad would see this change needed to happen, but he’s just dug his heels in more. So, I decided I was done waiting and would honor my promise to my son, he’d asked me to promise that I’d never give up on him and that I’d fight to bring him home. So, that’s what I’m doing. It’s been stressful on everyone. I pray it goes well, that it’ll all have been worth it. I just want to see my son happy and successful.

It feels good to write about these things, to get them off my chest and not feel judged, like I need to vindicate or explain myself. It’s freeing to express my thoughts and feelings. I hope doing this more will help me live less bogged down mentally and become a better version of myself. I hope this will lead me to take better care of myself, in all ways.

I got a diffuser and essential oils for sleep and stress aides, better pillows to help with sleep, joined the Optavia program to help with my physical and emotional health, am working on praying more to help with my spiritual health, and am now turning back to my writing as well, to help myself grow. Here’s hoping and here’s to my health!

Until We Meet Again, My Friend

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I feel like I’m walking in a daydream

Like I’m in a world that isn’t real

How can it be real without you?

You’ve been a part of my life for so long

For longer than you weren’t in it

 

We were once inseparable, bound by invisible ties

Always together, always on an adventure

You brought out a fire in me I’d been afraid to light

Pushing me to believe in myself

You didn’t like it when people put themselves down

 

I could listen to you sing for hours

It was easy to get lost in the sounds of your voice

It was always more than just a song to you

Your soul was heard in every note you sang

It was if the songs had been written just for you

 

The sound of your laughter could brighten even my darkest days

The vision of your smile brings joy to my heart even now

I want to hold onto that, to picture you happy and healthy

And to let that smile keep me pushing forward

To do all I can to honor you and the life you lived

 

I don’t want to say goodbye, so I won’t

Instead I will say, “See you later.”

Dear friend, I feel confident that we will meet again

In a place where all will be well for us all

Death will not tear us apart

 

I do miss you greatly, I can’t pretend I don’t hurt

I have cried and will continue to cry for you

But, I will also live the remainder of my life to its fullest

That’s what I’d want you to do for me

I promise to always keep you in my thoughts and in my heart

 

For Aimee Lyn Steinseifer ❤

November 13th, 1974 – May 2nd, 2016

 

John, We Miss You

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As yet another soul leaves us
Tears are shed & hearts are broken
So young, still had so much potential
Why? Why was it his time now?
What we wouldn’t give to see him again

As our emotions are stretched thin
And we try to find solace from within
We find that we’re at a loss
How do you say goodbye to yet another friend?
How do you expect our hearts to mend?

“I’m sorry for your loss”
“My condolences” 
Are just a few things many will say
And while we know they mean well
None of that can bring him back

They say time heals all wounds
But that just isn’t true
Things never go back to the way they were
And the hole in your heart that they left
Well, it’s never filled

All that we can do is try to honor their memory
By living the rest of our days to the fullest
Somehow, through the pain
To keep moving forward
Though that sometimes seems impossible

John, I barely knew you
But some of my closest friends knew you well
I pray that in their time of sadness
That they will come together to honor your memory
By loving one another with all they have

You, along with many others we have lost along the way
Will never be forgotten within our hearts
You touched our lives in such a profound way
Wherever you are now, I hope that you know
You may be gone, but your light will live on in us

 

(Dedicated to John Moebs, may this honor you….may this honor all of the friends we have lost in recent past. Too many have left us and it has felt way too soon for us to have to say goodbye. We miss you all. I hope that we do our best to honor your memory by living lives filled with laughter, friendship, joy, and love.)

Let Love Win

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It takes a lot of energy to both love and hate, but only love gives something wonderful back to you. It isn’t always easy to love someone and certainly not always easy to forgive either, but it is worth the effort made. This is something to remember every single day we live, not just during the holidays, but many more become receptive to this kind of thinking during this time of year. Good will and peace unto all men, let us give thanks, give back, and give to one another, and hey Merry Christmas! This time of year can also be an extremely easy time to be stressed because of the shopping hassles, finances struggling even more than usual, traveling and hosting issues, missing people who have passed away even more than we normally do, and so on….but I strongly urge each of you who reads this to remember the goodness that comes with this time of year and not just now, but all year round as well. Don’t let hate, anger, stress, and sadness win. Give love and too, let it in. ❤

When Tears Fall

Heavy Downpour

When tears fall

Many assume that you’re upset

And while that is often times true

Tears can be shed out of happiness too

 

There are many reasons we cry

But many times, we don’t ask why

I have found one thing to be true

They come from intense emotions

 

“I laughed so hard that I cried.”

A saying I myself have demonstrated many times

Such joy erupting from my eyes

Oh what a feeling it is!

 

Fear has caused many tears over the years

When you think you’re about to die

Or lose someone you so well know

It’s astonishing the rate those tears flow

 

Babies, weddings, sappy movies, and the like

Yeah, they make me weep too

Or when someone says or does something to touch my heart

Oh how the waterworks start!

 

They have been caused by a deep anger as well

When someone offends you so

Heated words and tempers flared

The tears within are no longer snared

 

Tears have many stories to tell

If only we’re willing to listen well

It doesn’t make one weak to let your emotions go

If you feel it, it’s okay to show it

 

Some will judge, perhaps laugh

Maybe you were taught only the weak cry

Into your private life, your silence demands us not pry

Not all tears are visible on the outside

 

As the saying goes, to each their own

Though as for me, I do express how I feel

And who I am openly, for the world to see

I am not ashamed to be me

 

But to know me, you must pay attention

Listen well, but not only to my words

Hear what my actions say, one and all

So that you may know why my tears fall

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