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Posts tagged ‘present’

Dear Future Me

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So many of us have imagined what we’d say to younger versions of ourselves if we got the chance. Oh the advice we’d give, the wisdom we’d share. Perhaps then we’d have avoided some of the hard times?

I, myself, have written such letters to versions of myself that are long gone. But today, I wondered what I might say to a future versions of myself, were I given the opportunity to meet her. Might it go something like this….

Dear Future Me,

You don’t exist yet, but I’m hoping that when you do and you get the chance to read this that you’ll take what I have to say to heart.

So far, you have spent so much time worrying, over analyzing things, focusing on things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things, and dwelling on what was instead of what is and what could be. Let me say this, stop. Life is too short to stress so much. If you’re here, able to read this, take a moment to count your blessings and then go out and make the most of the time you have.

How many sleepless nights have you spent worrying about things that worked themselves out in the end? How many times have you needlessly panicked? Let’s not focus so much on what is out of our control or sweat the small things.

Instead, let’s shape the moments we can into ones full of love and laughter. Give when you can. When the hard times come, remember you’ve gotten through worse and push forward believing this too is another hurdle we’ll get over. You may roll your eyes at this, but deep down you know there’s wisdom in what I’m telling you.

Things won’t always be sunshine and roses and nor will they always be dark and depressing. There’s light and dark throughout every stage in life. Find courage in the tough times, let wisdom grace you, and learn from them. Find joy in the wonderful moments, may love touch you, and may you let it do the same for others.

You’ve made it this far, keep going! I believe in you, as do many others. Here’s to tomorrow letting us see its wondrous beauty and all it has in store.

Sincerely,

The you you once knew

 

*What would you tell the you of tomorrow?*

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A Question I Ask Thee…

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I feel like many only skim over blogs and don’t take the time to fully read them. So many times, I see blogs that ask people for their input and people just simply “like” the blog, but don’t leave any feedback. I think that’s wrong. If we’re really going to be a part of this community, we should share more with one another and I don’t mean just writing more blogs, but commenting on one another’s work and becoming something bigger, something greater, something with more heart.

Yesterday, I wrote such a blog, one that asked for feedback and not one person answered the question I posed. Why? Why did everyone simply hit “like” and then continue to scroll past? I don’t want to just write blogs and have people lightly read what I have to say. I want people to engage in conversation with me and with others. I try to participate in other’s blogs as often as I can, even spark conversations with others that commented. This is a community, one that should be ready to grow together. We need to work on doing that more. I am guilty of it too sometimes, but I am getting better at it.

So, I am going to try this again and see if anyone is really paying attention to what I am saying. Yesterday, I asked those who happen to read it that day who their greatest influence in life is and why. I am going to pose that same question today. Today though, I am kindly asking for you to comment, to actually participate. I want to get to know my readers and anyone else who might stumble upon my blog. I am here for so much more than sharing my thoughts and feelings. I want to get to know others, be inspired by you, and hopefully inspire you as well. Let’s work together to make this place even better!

I am going to pose another question today as well. And the proof that you’ve really read this will be in your comments below. 😉 We all have events in our lives that shape us into who we are today. I want you to take a moment and think about what is one of the events in your life that has shaped you the most and how has it done so? Please share with me and with others. Me and myself want to know, and my avid readers!  Side note: That was a Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire quote! 10 points to the house that can tell me who said it! 😉

I have had a lot of major events in my life that have shaped me into the person I am today. It is hard to say which one has shaped me the most, but I am going to pick one, because otherwise we’d be here all day. 😉 Being a foster kid was definitely an experience I won’t forget. I had been molested as a kid and had to be taken from my home. That in and of itself shaped me quite a bit. I live with PTSD because of it, but I have been learning to not let it define me. But that’s not the experience I want to delve into today. Being a foster kid is something I want to talk to you about today.

I have seen many stories on Facebook lately from foster parents, about the kids they have taken in, and how rewarding it is to help kids in need. Those not in it for the money, but in it to help kids overcome the hands they were dealt, show them love, and give them good lives are truly amazing people. I lived in a few homes and I can testify that there are some truly wonderful people out there, with kind hearts that just want to help kids heal and see them thrive.

For many kids, it’s not an easy adjustment, even if the new situation is better than their old one. To take them from what they know and throw them into something and somewhere new with people they don’t know is hard. Trust is already a hard thing for them to give anyone and now here are new people who claim they only have their best interests at heart.

For me, it was hard. As hard as life was with my mom, I wasn’t sure what to think about being sent to live with people I didn’t know, especially when I’d also have to switch schools too. Everyone was a stranger. It took me awhile to adjust and being labeled a freak for being “in the system” was difficult. “What did you do to get put into foster care?” Really? Most of us didn’t do anything. Many of us were hurt, by those who are supposed to love us the most. But, it was and I am sure still is hard for outsiders to understand. I was told before that it was likely the only way they could react to us because they just didn’t know what to say or how to act. But, to a kid, that doesn’t make us feel any better. It still hurts.

I will say this though, I am grateful to those who took me in, cared for me, and did everything they could to help me move forward. I was shown a lot of patience and kindness in a time when I had known so little before. I was given hope. And now, as an adult, I know that I want to give back, to help others like I was helped. When we’re in a position to give back in that way, we will. My husband supports this as he knows how important it is to me and also wants to help kids who feel lost and alone, give them a chance at a happy childhood and the hope for a bright future.

Well, I said more than I planned on, though that is often the case with me. 😉 I hope you enjoyed reading. Now, if you’d be so kind and leave me some feedback and also share with me a part of yourself, that would so appreciated!!!!!! Let’s keep this community growing closer together!

Life’s Many Blessings

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I remember when I used to write in my blog daily and sometimes it was even more than once a day. Now, I am lucky if I write in this once or twice a month. It’s not that I have less to say, just less time to say it online. I have become so busy that I just haven’t had the time to really sit down and put my thoughts into writing. Sometimes I feel badly about that. Though, I know I am just out there living my life.

As Thanksgiving draws ever nearer, I am humbled more and more. I have so much to be thankful for. I wanted to take another opportunity to express that. There is a lot I could complain about, but there’s even more I can say thanks for. I think that’s something I should remind myself of more often. When I am having a tough day, I should tell myself how good I have it, and to not sweat the small stuff. It can be oh so easy to get upset over someone cutting me off on the road, someone being rude, something at work not going right, just not getting a good night’s sleep, and so on. Sometimes it’s hard to have the right perspective, but I know it can be done if worked on.

I know I will have rough moments and sometimes, rough days. But, my goal is to get better at appreciating what I have more and complain less. What I have can always be taken away and that’s something we should all remember. Our material possessions, money, and even our loved ones can disappear. Nothing lasts forever, not the good, but not the bad either. So, I need to get through the bad and learn from it, because there’s always something to learn, something to take from things. And, I need to appreciate the good much more. So, here I am today to say how very thankful I am for all the blessings in my life. The way I look at it too, the bad moments are blessings in disguise because so much good has come from it all in the end. For all I have learned, for all I have gone through, for all I have lost, for all I have gained, for who I was, for who I am, and where my life is headed…..I am deeply thankful.

So tell me, what is something your past has taught you? What are you thankful for??

The Past, Present, & Future

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It’s easy for us to admit when we trust the wrong people with our hearts, whether it be in friendships, family bonds, and most especially in romantic relationships. How easy is it though to admit when we’ve been the wrong one for someone else? Admittedly, I have been on both sides of the fence. I have both given my friendship, loyalty, and love to those who didn’t deserve it and I have been the one undeserving of theirs. In the end, I regret nothing though because I have learned something from each of them, been taught valuable lessons about my self, and even if it was only for a brief time, I also knew joy, laughter, and made good memories. My life now as it stands is wonderful. The rocky and sometimes painful path it took to get here has been absolutely worth it.

Thank you to my past for teaching me lessons, sometimes the hard way. Thank you for the struggles, pain, and even loss for giving me courage and strength. Thank you for the laughter, friendships made and even lost, for the memories and the love. Thank you for who I was so that I can be who I am now. I’m sorry for the pain I caused anyone, more than I can say. My guilt drove me initially into depression, but eventually it led me to changing and for the better.

Thank you to my present for the many blessings in my life and for continuing to teach me and help me grow. Thank you to my future for offering up such hope and promise of wondrous things to come. To all in my life now, thank you for all you do. Your support, loyalty, and love means more to me than I’ll ever be able to say. Today, I see now that I’ve chosen wisely as I have great friends and an outstanding boyfriend that is also my best friend. My sincere hope is that you feel the same way about me.  The sun is shining today and with its bright light, I look upon today with hope, a grateful heart, and love for my life and all of you that chose to be a part of it. I love you all.

Weekly Writing Challenge: DNA Analysis

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DP Challenge

Your challenge is to take something intensely personal — the bits and pieces that make you YOU — and use them as a springboard for a post that makes a larger point and resonates with lots of other readers.

When I really think about me, who I am, who I was, who I will be, how others see me, how I want others to see me, and how I want to see myself…well, let’s say, the voices in my head keep my mind busy for hours.

Let’s start with who I am on the outside. This is me now.

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This was taken on Sunday, September 29th, 2013 at the Harley Davidson Museum. I look at this photo and I initially see someone who has really let herself go. Due to various birth control pills, not eating right, and not exercising as often as I should, I went most recently from about 138 to 183. 😦 The weight gain is about a lot more than my appearance. It plays a huge role in my health issues as well. My asthma is a lot worse and it hurts to do some of the most simplest of things, like bending over to tie my shoes. Sometimes I look at myself and I cry, especially when trying on dresses for the weddings we’ve gone to the in the past month. I still break out in acne now and then. I am 34 and really, I thought I was done with that. It started for me when I was 11-12 years old, though it’s no where near as bad now. That doesn’t bother me so much these days. I do believe I have pretty eyes. As a kid, I wanted to have blue eyes and blonde hair, thought that I was plain with brown eyes and brown hair. I have evolved in my way of thinking. 😉 I like my hair too, except when it won’t cooperate. It snarls easily and doesn’t hold curls very well. It is a very pretty color though and when it wants to work with me, I can get it to look very nice. I like my little hands and little feet, have always been amused by how tiny they are. I have nice teeth and a nice smile. In some ways, I find myself very attractive, though in others, not so much, not so much at all. I believe this is a struggle many of us deal with.

Then there is Doug. He looks at me and while he knows I need to lose weight, he still sees me as beautiful. When I begin to beat myself up over my physical appearance, he looks at me with love in his eyes and tells me he thinks I am beautiful. He also tells me he believes in me and that together, we’ll both get to where we want to be, and to never give up. My friends tell me I am beautiful, inside and out. God sees us all as His beautiful children. I know that to many it doesn’t matter so much what I look like anyhow, they see me as beautiful because of who I am, not what I look like. I try every single day to see myself as that beautiful individual that so many others look at. The song Beautiful by Christina Aguilera plays in my mind. “I am beautiful no matter what they say.” & “I am beautiful in every single way.” are two lines I say to myself. I am not the petite girl I once was, but that doesn’t mean I am suddenly ugly. Beauty isn’t dependent on weight. Yes, I need to lose weight, but more so for health reasons, not to impress anyone. 

Who am I, I mean, really, who am I? When I get beyond my physical appearance, I see a very complex person. In some ways, I am quite childish, always have been. I admit I can be very immature sometimes. I also still love Disney movies, Hello Kitty, Rainbow Brite, and so on. I am not ashamed of the bits of childhood that still amuse me. I can throw tantrums when I am upset and get easily offended at times.

Then there are bits of me that make me seem so much older than I really am. Sometimes it seems as if my soul is way older than I am. The way I think, write, talk, dream, and even some of my interests can paint a picture of someone much older than 34, nearly 35. I like to use big words, spend hours reading, talk about things that some my age find boring, and often wish I’d been born decades earlier. As much as I like a lot of current things like bands, t.v. shows, clothing styles, and so on…I also find that I am quite attracted to the way life was in decades past. Sometimes I wish I’d grown up when my grandparents did, or even before then. I wonder what it would have been like to be at an old fashioned sock hop, go to a diner that had girls on skates for waitresses, what it would have been like to see Frank Sinatra live, and so on. I even dream about living back in the Renaissance era and many other time periods. I like Celtic music, the way the women dressed in the big Celtic dresses, and sometimes dream about meeting Merlin.

My mind wanders easily and is prone to daydreaming & fantasizing. When in reality, I like to get philosophical at times and debate about various topics. Though talking about religion can cause fights, because sometimes what starts out as a healthy talk gets heated. I tend to tell how I feel, listen to how others feel, and when we disagree…we just agree to disagree. I don’t put others down for how they feel, but I expect the same respect shown to me in return. I generally find myself to be quite respectful, polite, and good to others. Though, I have my moments when I can be rude and come off as arrogant, usually when talking about something I feel I know an awful lot about. I am very sarcastic, but it’s in good nature. I’m very impatient and stubborn. My moods change at will, it can be interesting. I have bi-polar disorder and am considered to have borderline Schizophrenia, but am no longer medicated. I have found ways to deal with this over the years in a healthier way. Not everyone can do this and I don’t look down on anyone who truly needs medication. It is just sad though that the way society works is, “hey, you have such and such issue, guess what…there’s a pill for that.” I wish they’d try other methods first and really work with us to have a lifestyle not so dependent on medications. Yes, I can also tend to switch topics and go on random tangents. 😉 

Sometimes I appear so simple to understand. I love God, my faith has helped me through so much. I love my family and friends. I will do whatever I can, when I can to help those around me. I love my son more than my own life. In general, I am loving. I love music…singing, writing lyrics, listening to it. I love the written word, both reading it and writing it. I love to laugh and make others do so as well. Those who have known me awhile and have been patient enough to get through the complex walls of mine would tell you I am not so tough to understand, though they do admit that I am good at throwing them a curveball now and then, ya know with all of my randomness. 😉 

In general, there is a lot of good and bad within me. There has always been both light and dark within me, but I believe that to be true of everyone. I do feel that overall, I am a good person. I make mistakes, but I am human. I try to learn from my mistakes and grow. Sometimes I fall, but I always find my way back up. With God, good friends, and family…I find my way to push forward. I didn’t always feel that way about myself though. Want to see a little bit of me from way back?

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This was me the summer before eighth grade, so the summer of 1992. I was about 4’10” or so, maybe 85 pounds, riddled with acne from time to time (luckily in that picture, I only see the one by my upper lip lol), wore big glasses mostly, and definitely was NOT a trend setter. Back then, a lot of my general characteristics were the same as they are now: stubborn, moody, shy at times, talkative around those I am comfortable with, intelligent, a bit of a geeky side, food lover, someone who loves to read, sing, take pictures, etc. But believe it or not, I was a lot harder on myself then than I am now. Singing a solo wasn’t going to happen, even though I would dream about it often. The thought of even approaching a guy I had a crush on scared me. I didn’t have the slightest clue on how to apply make-up or do my hair, nor did I really try to learn. I beat myself up mentally daily, a lot worse than I do now. I also had a serious problem with lying, mostly to get attention, would create elaborate stories and try to captivate people, and draw people to me. I was even more of an attention hound then. I also had a big problem with stealing, mostly change from my mom’s jar. I found looking back that I either stole from people I was jealous of in one way or another or people that hurt me, though sometimes it was just because I really wanted something and knew we’d never be able to afford it. I was quite the troubled youth. Part of me wanted to be good, to please God, to make my mom proud of me, to not be an outcast. Other parts of me fought with that. At the time of that picture, I was being molested by my mom’s boyfriend. I was also not so close to my mother and felt I didn’t have anyone to turn to much of the time. I cried a lot, fought within my own mind often, and just didn’t know what to do.

Oh hey, here’s another one of me from my early adult years:

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I was nearly 22 in this picture, this was taken in October of 2000. I was starting to feel better about my appearance, though still struggled with confidence. had a lot of growing up to do yet, but was working on it. Looking back, I am ashamed of what I did in my childhood, teenage years, and early adulthood. I pushed a lot of people away with my constant complaining, the antics I’d pull to hold onto people, and so forth. I have grown up a lot. Yes, I still say and do things I am not so proud of, but I am actually quite proud of how I have changed. I am still the outcast to some family members, but not to the ones who bothered to get to know me. The ones who cast myself and others out are those that assumed we are a certain way because of our parents. I have some very supportive relatives and am blessed that way. I am also blessed to have some wonderful friends who got to know me, as I was, and as I am…who have accepted me and love me. I have a wonderful boyfriend who shows me that love can last, that it can be strong, and real. I have a son who showed me what true and unconditional love was, who showed me how to love someone more than life itself. God shows me daily how true, real, and strong love can be.

Many see me in many different ways. I don’t care about most of their views. The ones whose opinions really matter to me are the ones that I love, that love me. If I hurt them or do something to disappoint them, that’s when I am hardest on myself. They forgive me long before I forgive myself. I don’t care necessarily if I am dressed to impress anyone, but I want those I love to see me in a good light. I find myself often going beyond what is expected of me to prove to them how much I care about them and I know deep down that it’s not necessary. I just have to be me, been working on that. I know my friends, boyfriend, and close family members see me as someone who is loving, generous, hardworking, polite, kind, strong, capable, and yes…a talker, stubborn, and prone to moodiness, but they take all of me, the good and the bad, just as I do them. The opinion I care the most about is my son’s. Growing up, I know how it felt to wonder about my parent’s love. I don’t ever want my son to feel like he’s not loved, like his feelings don’t matter, like I don’t care about his thoughts and dreams. I also want my son to see someone he can look up to, someone that will teach him, and someone who will be here for him. I want him to get the best from me. His dad, step-mom, myself, and my boyfriend all try to do the best we can for him. We want the best for Zach. He’s a pretty cool kid, just take a look for yourself:

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This is my son, taken a few weeks ago on the day of his debut as a football player. Go Rams! 🙂 This is the person who has changed my life the most. I thank God for him every single day. We struggle, like my mom and I did….but like my mom and I, the love we feel for one another is strong and we’re committed to working on our relationship. We’re bonded in a way no one could ever possibly sever the ties. I do all I can each day to make him proud of me, just as I know he does the same….because it’s really something parents and children do, work hard to make them proud of us. I will always keep trying, even when he’s grown.

I am a work in progress, as I believe we all are. I am not where I was and am happy about that. I do know though that I have a long way to go. Actually, I don’t think I’ll be done evolving, growing, and bettering myself until the day I am gone from this world. That is just how I look at it. Well, I think I am done with this challenge. I don’t know what any of you have gotten from reading this, but I hope perhaps you each see me more clearly now. I do apologize for the ramblings, the tangents, and the topic switching. 😉 Thank you for reading and stop by again anytime! 

A message to the past

Dear Past,

I am writing this letter to tell you it’s over. I can’t spend every day with you anymore. The truth is, I have outgrown you. Now and then, we have had our good times. You have made me smile and laugh when pleasant memories enter in. So, I can’t say this is an easy thing for me to do. The truth is though, there have been more bad times than good with you. Often times, it’s the harsh memories you choose to share with me and I am done living that way. I can’t live within yesterday. I regret to inform you that I have found someone better for me. The present treats me with me with more respect, values me, and doesn’t hold my former mistakes against me. It has shown me that there is so much life left to live and has given me such hope that any tomorrows I am given will be brighter and full of so much love and laughter. I will miss you now and then, but I know that it is for the best that we part ways. Thank you for everything, for every lesson you taught me, for the good times, and for making me who I am today. I am sure I will look at pictures now and then, but only to remember the good times. Your hold over me is done, no longer can you hold me back or hold me down. Our time together has certainly been one heck of a journey, but it’s end has come. Every end is bittersweet, but sometimes you just have to let go so you can embrace what is to come. Thank you again! Maybe when we see one another again, the bitterness will be gone and we can be friends. If not, well, I will still carry the good memories with me always.

Sincerely,

The new me

Appreciating where you are….

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I was inspired by Evan‘s blog today. Sometimes it is hard to give yourself credit for where you currently are in life because we’re often too busy dwelling on where we want to be instead of where we are now, what we have already accomplished. I am so guilty of doing that, so busy focusing on what I haven’t yet achieved. I beat myself up too much mentally, so many of us do, perhaps without even realizing it. We can be our worst critics and find it hard to accept praise when we feel we could have done so much better or that we should be in a better place than where we are.

If you met up with my 16 year old self and asked me where I’d be when I am my current age of 34, I would have given you an answer like this: I’d have graduated college, be working a job I really love, be happily married, and have two or three kids. I’d be the soccer mom, taking her kids to their practices, still busy writing and maybe even have something published, be active in church and probably a member of the choir, and just have an overall busy and successful life.

If you’d asked me that same question when I was 25, I’d probably has said: I know I didn’t do it as early as I’d planned, but I will still be done with school, working a decent job, maybe happily married, at least happily dating a wonderful man who accepts my son, still writing and maybe have something published, and hopefully busy with music, church, etc.

If you’d asked me this when I was 30, I’d have said: I will either be done with school or at least nearly finished, be working a good job, losing hope on the happily ever after thing…but still hoping somehow though that I have found the right guy, working on my writing, be busy with church and music, hoping to have more time with my son, and just trying to do the best that I can.

Here I am now at 34, not exactly where I’d envisioned myself. I, for so long, berated myself as many other people did for not being successful, for not being like so many others in my family. This last year has changed a lot, not just my circumstances, but how I view myself, my past, my present, and my future. I may not have a degree, a husband, any of my writing published, and so on, BUT…I have accomplished quite a bit.

My 20-23 year old self was consumed with being accepted, hanging out with the wrong people, getting into trouble, and not being responsible. My 24-28 year old self was slowly getting her act together, but still had a long way to go. My 29-33 year old self was beginning to feel better about where I was headed. So, where am I now?

I am starting school, been accepted and everything, in April. Everything with my grandma since July of 2012 has been so trying and the old me would have given up a long time ago. I have had my moments of weakness, but I have pulled through. I have an amazing boyfriend, one whom I truly believe I will be marrying one day. He is amazing with my son, treats me with such respect and love, and is good to my friends and family. I am still writing and now sharing it with more people than I ever have before. I am connecting more with God than I have in a long time, keeping my faith alive…which has got me through so much. I am much braver when it comes to my music. I even auditioned for America’s Got Talent last year via YouTube. I didn’t get anywhere, but I did try.

I am bolder, more confident, more responsible, more comfortable with who I am, and am truly proud of all I have overcome and achieved. I may not be where I want to be, but I am a lot closer than I have ever been. I don’t see a failure when I look in the mirror anymore. I see someone who is trying, someone who is capable of doing such great things, someone who has already accomplished a great deal, someone who is worthy of respect, success, and love. It was a long road, I tripped, and fell many times along the way. Here I stand now, dust brushed off, and ready to keep moving forward.

Where will I be when I am 40 or even 35 when I have my birthday this year? I really couldn’t say. I have dreams and goals, which I will pursue. I will also though remember to live in the moment that is now. Where I am now is not bad and I must remember that. My wish for all of you is that you can do the same.

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inkbiotic

A mish mash of interesting words and snippets from the foolish disaster that is my life

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