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Posts tagged ‘prayer’

The Stars

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Billions of stars represent billions of hearts

Both alive and those that have gone before us

Which one would you say you are?

I’m THAT one, the one with extra sparkle

 

Twinkle, twinkle little star up in the sky

She’s up there singing a little tune

Watching me as I get my shine on

Her light still guides me as I learn

 

When our bodies die, our souls still live

It feels like they give the stars extra shine

When we feel extra sad or unsure of our paths

We can find comfort in the sky up above

 

Twinkle, twinkle little star up in the sky

Where are you on this cold night?

I need you more than ever right now

Can I hop on a cloud and see you?

 

Closing my eyes, I slow my breathing

Listening intently, trying to hear your voice

Willing the voices in my head to grow still

It takes great skill to quiet the noise

 

Twinkle, twinkle little star in the sky

Can you hear me as I call your name?

Is my voice being drowned out by your singing?

I miss singing with you and listening to your voice

 

I hear you, calmly telling me to let go

Let go and trust one we both love

The One that made these very stars I talk to

I feel her hands gently touch my hair

 

Twinkle, twinkle little star in the sky

I still struggle with worry and doubt

But I know deep down You’re with me

I think now I can finally get some sleep

 

Billions of stars represent billions of hearts

Both alive and those that have gone before us

Which one would you say you are?

I’m THAT one, the with the extra sparkle.

 

See the Beauty & Be the Beauty

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If I could only paint you a beautiful picture

Showing you the wonders that await you

So I choose to use my words instead

No rhymes and maybe less than eloquent

But, perhaps you’ll still see the beauty within

 

Spacious mountains and crystal clear waters

Beautiful flowers, statuesque trees, & cute animals

I want you to see it all over the years

As they all change and grow, so will you

I hope that you see the beauty that surrounds us

 

More than just what you can see with your eyes

I hope that you can see and appreciate much more

The beauty within the souls of those in your life

May you see the kindness, gentility, and grace

And may you also possess these traits yourself

 

May you show kindness to others, even on a rough day

Show compassion and understanding to those who need it

And yet be firm when the situation calls for it as well

See the beauty all around you and be the beauty for others

That is my sincerest prayer for you, my darling daughter.

Rest In Peace, Marie Irene

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The tears have yet to dry, the sadness is still fresh upon our hearts when the news hits us that yet another friend has passed away. This one hits a little closer to home. This was someone I had talked to a lot over the years. Our sons had even become friends. It feels like yesterday when she and James were at our place celebrating Zach’s 6th birthday. A few years later, we got news that his dad had died. Suicide. 😦 She found him. She had to explain to her son that his dad was gone. All the while, she’s been battling Cystic Fibrosis. This young woman has gone through an awful lot and though we would go months without talking, when we would catch up, it would feel as if no time had passed. My heart is broken once more as I find that now it is she that has left us. Only recently, someone else I knew had passed. I didn’t know him well, but others I know did and my heart grieved for their loss. But now, I suffer a loss of my own as this time it’s also a friend of mine and what’s worse is thinking of James, now 11, who has lost both of his parents in just a few years time. There have been a lot of deaths within the various groups of friends that I have, many I haven’t known or known that well, but their deaths impacted many I know and so I felt pain. It is so sad, watching so many die around you. I know that life still goes on and that we best honor their memories by continuing to enjoy our lives while we have them to live. But, right in the very face of grief, that’s not so easy to think about. I do ask for prayer, for those that Marie has left behind to mourn her, most especially her son. She was so young. I am glad that she no longer suffers, but I really do miss her. Rest In Peace, sweet Marie Irene.

Ms. Hyde

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There is a song by Halestorm called Mz. Hyde and I found that I could identify with it a bit. Living with Bi-Polar disorder, well sometimes I am Ms. Hyde and sometimes I’m Dr. Jekyll, just depends on the day, sometimes the moment. And, one really never knows in advance which girl you will be dealing with, including myself. 😉 Dealing with Schizophrenia hasn’t been easy either, seeing & hearing things that I swear are real and really haven’t had many in my life who can relate. Here’s a poem that talks about my struggles with Bi-Polar & Schizophrenia, how it shapes my life, and how I refuse to let it hinder me.

Yesterday I was all sunshine & roses, just as happy as can be

Today, well it seems that’s entirely a different story

And tomorrow might just bring a whole new wave of emotions

They say it’s due to a chemical imbalance in my brain, but I refuse to take their potions

 

Once upon a time, before I truly understood what was going on inside of me

The things that went on inside of my mind terrified me, the voices wouldn’t let me be

Back then, I was ashamed & kept much of went on inside of me to myself

I didn’t want to know what would happen if I let my feelings fall off the dusty shelf

 

I was already labeled a freak for being poor, smart, & one who cried so easily

To many in school & even at home, it seemed my feelings were viewed as measly

So the voices within & the books I read were my best of friends

I could journey beyond with them to places where evil lost and love won in the end

 

I found I’d rather live my life in fairy-tales, where the characters seemed so real

The joy I found there, knowing they didn’t judge me never lost its appeal

I wanted to have friends in the land called reality

But very few seemed to have interest in truly getting to know me

 

As the years went by, the darkness within my mind grew

Some knew I had issues, but as to what they were, no one had a clue

There did come a time when I did turn to medicine & therapy

I wanted to have a mind that was at least somewhat healthy

 

Pills really did more harm than good in the end, so eventually I quit

Though therapy did often help out, that I can truly admit

It helped to have someone unbiased for me to talk to

Someone that didn’t freak out about my mind hosting a wild zoo

 

It’s been years since I have taken an anti-depressant or seen a therapist

I decided that I wanted to find a way to live without those aids to assist

I turned to writing, music, prayer, photography, talking it out, & even meditation

So now I am happy to say that I can lead a happy life without costly therapy & medication

 

My own brands of therapy have proven to be quite successful for me

Anyone who really knows me has told me the positive changes are easy to see

I found that opening up about my struggles has been a good thing after all

I just had to find the courage to break down that giant wall

 

Gone are the days I let my mental health issues hinder my life

Yes, there are days when it’s difficult to handle the inner strife

And it’s true that being a part of my world can be difficult at times

But those who have stuck around found it worth it to listen to my rhymes

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An Insomniac’s Tale

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As the last light of the day fades away

I find my mind trying to lead me astray

My body is weary and ready for rest

But my thoughts try to take me on a most lengthy quest

 

Thus is the way it goes most every night

I fight dragons and demons with all my might

Just to try and get a little sleep

Wishing for lullabies instead of haunting melodies that make me weep

 

Help me oh God, I cry unto thee

Grant me peace and serenity

Take away my nightmares and let me find rest

Go with me in my dreams and let them be blessed

God Is In Control

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One hand upon the steering wheel

The other is resting upon the door frame

My GPS is telling me where to go

I feel like I’m in total control

 

The sun is shining upon me

It’s warming my skin

Today is one of those days

That I could make anything happen

 

To make this day even better

There needs to be music blaring

So I reach to turn on the radio

DJ, play all of my favorite songs

 

That’s when it happened

I was so in the zone

That I didn’t see

The deer right in front of me

 

I saw him turn his head to look right at me

And I swear he looked right into my soul

He stood tall, refusing to budge

In a panic, I slammed on the brakes

 

That’s when I cried out

Lord, please help me!

I need You, please take control

I can’t get through this on my own

 

As my car skidded closer

The more frightened I became

And the faster my tears fell

Please Lord, let this be a tale I live to tell

 

It was as if the deer heard my pleas to God

He looked at me one last time and then fled

My car came to a stop in the middle of the road

I pulled over to the side to regain composure

 

How funny, in the blink of an eye

One’s direction in life can do a total 180

It could have been my turn to say goodbye

To have been parted from this world

 

But God heard me, heard my heart

He told me my time is not yet done

I know it was not by my will that I survived

It is God that was and always is in control

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, words escape even me sometimes….

I have been known throughout my life to be one who often has the right thing to say to someone, who can help, who often knows how to cheer one up, who knows how to make things better, & who has great advice. (though doesn’t always take it myself. *laughs*) I have been called an Empath since childhood. Even if I haven’t been through something, I am able to put myself in their shoes, and feel the emotions as if I were going through it myself…which has often led me to being able to be there for others.

Sometimes that “gift” can be a bit overwhelming, especially when going through a lot myself at any given time. Taking on my problems and others can be a bit daunting, but overall I am glad I have the ability to be there for so many people. I am the helper, healer, giver, motivator, and I am okay with that most of the time. Now and then, I need that in return, but usually I am alright.

However, there are times when someone is going through something and even I lack the proper words to say, sometimes I just don’t know what to do. I wish not to offend anyone and I know that there are times that while something might comfort me, it might not be what helps them. Sometimes all I can really do is be there, listen if they need me to, hug them, cry with them. I know that means a lot, but sometimes I feel horrible when I can’t heal, fix, or change the situation. I should not beat myself up over it, some things in life just can’t be made better. Sometimes all we can do is find ways to help people cope, it’s just difficult sometimes to do.

Today would be the 33rd wedding anniversary for my boyfriend’s parents. His mom died on November 17th, 2012. It’s been a bit rough for him, his sisters, his dad, and her parents. Getting through their first Christmas, New Years, some of their birthdays, etc has been difficult for them. I never know quite what to do or say when I know they’re hurting.

She had an obsession with the number three, hence May 3rd being their anniversary. She even felt the need to have three kids, even though Doug’s dad was fine with two kids. I am grateful for her love of the number three, Doug is their third child. 🙂 Anyway, so this would have been a major anniversary for her, it being the 33rd. Doug’s dad is struggling with this and tonight they’re going out to eat at a place they liked to go have pizza, play cards, and just have a good time as a family. I have been invited, so I will go, to show my support for Doug and Phil. I don’t know if either of his sisters will be there, but I can imagine either way that today must be hard for them too, especially with Mother’s Day being next Sunday. My heart breaks for them as I type this. My eyes sting from the tears and I have to keep pausing so that I can wipe the tears away.

My mom and I haven’t always been close. In fact, we’ve been “at war” as it were for years at a time. We’ve begun the healing process and I am grateful to be where we’re at now, even more so considering the many I know who don’t have their mom around anymore. I wish I could take the pain away from Doug, from his family. God had a reason she was to leave at this time, one we don’t understand, especially given the circumstances…but we know God is good. Doug has an amazing family, so grateful they have one another to lean on through all of this. Doug tells me that my support means a lot to him and I know that it does. Still, sometimes I wish I could do more. Sometimes I wish I had just the right words to say, that there’d be a way to make things alright for him, for all of them. I have grown to love not only Doug, but his family as well. I know I can’t make things right, all I can do is be here. Though it doesn’t feel like enough to me, I know it’s all I can do right now, and I know that through my lack of words, Doug knows I care and will support him through this and everything we each face….because we’re no longer going through things alone, we face things together.

I pray for healing and for peace for Doug and his family. Let their love for You and for one another help them through this. And help those surrounding them to be of comfort to them, to be patient, to be understanding, to be caring, to just be there. Maybe we won’t have the right words to say, but just allow us to be the comfort and care that they need. I also pray for my cousins Chris, Scott, & Kari…and their dad, Mother’s Day will be rough for them too as they still struggle with the loss of their mom, my aunt Debbie. I pray for all who will struggle to get through that day, as many have lost their mom. I also thank You for giving me more time with my own mother. I am blessed. I often complain about what is going wrong in my life, beg for a job lead to pan out, ask for financial help, whine about the weather, complain about not feeling well or about feeling “old”….but there is so much to be grateful for. Thank you for the many blessings…..for my parents, my step-mom, my son, his dad and step-mom, for my siblings, for my remaining aunts and uncles, for my cousins, for my nephews, for my niece, for my boyfriend, for his amazing family, for my friends, for my life, for my gifts and talents, for YOUR love….thank You. 

I pray that today is a day to remember and rejoice in the good times…somehow they will get through today as they have the other days that were especially hard for them…they will get through them because they love You and one another, their love and support will help them through…sometimes words can’t make things better, but love and support surely goes along way, even when it’s silent. ❤

My Plea

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Up, down, and all around
I’ve been looking all day
But my sanity is no where to be found
There’s so much I have to say
But the words won’t come, to my dismay

So isolated, feeling cut off from those I love
Frustrated and just at my wits end
Crying, I look to the Lord above
To my angry heart, please attend
Peace and tranquility, do send

It’s become so difficult to undertake the task
I know I’m the only one who is here for her each day
But all that’s now required is becoming too much to ask
Please Lord, help me before I lose my way
Renew my strength, give me the patience somehow I pray

The anger builds and sometimes I yell
The waves crash hard and throw me into the harsh sea
I know it’s not her fault, that much I can tell
But sometimes it’s just too much for only me
Take away the bitterness, please set me free

Wrap me up in your love, hear my plea
Remind me I’m not going through this alone
Show me who I am meant to be
And surround me with the friends I’ve known
The ones who have stood be me as I’ve grown

Together we’ve stood through many dark days
Weathering every storm, finding ways to dance in the rain
Then laughing when the sun comes out and basking in its warm rays
Thanking You I do for bringing us together and healing every pain
In the end, You helped me overcome every hurt, heartache, and strain

So again I ask You
Help me get through this, I feel so weak
I need love that’s true
Here I stand, humble and meek
Give me the strength, wisdom, and love that I seek

Would anyone like a slice of humble pie?

Only a couple of days ago, I asked in prayer for help to pay off my old student loan so that I could return to school and finally turn my life around. I also asked all of you and many other friends to pray for me. Prayer is so powerful and amazing.

Do you know what else is amazing? I happen to have the most amazing boyfriend on the planet. He told me that whatever I can’t gather together by early April for my loan, he will loan to me. He believes in me, what I am capable of doing with my life, and wants to see me succeed. I am beyond humbled right now.

Let me tell you more about this amazing man, shall I? He has stood by me through an awful lot. He puts up with my mood swings and never once loses his patience. He has gotten to know my son and made him a part of his life. My son adores him! He listens to me when I just need to vent. He holds me when I am upset. He proves he’s listening by remembering little things I said months ago and randomly talks about it. He makes me laugh. He holds my hand most times when we walk somewhere, even to the car. He never pushes me to do something I am not comfortable doing. He goes out of his way to see me smile. He gives of himself to his family and friends when they need him. He works so very hard to have the life that he has. His parents did an amazing job raising such a wonderful man. His faith is strong, something important to us both that connects us. I love this man with all of me. I love him as a fellow Christian, as my best friend, and as my soul mate.

I want to thank you all for your prayers, support, friendship, encouragement, and love. A part of me did indeed panic over how I was going to make this work. I wasn’t sure either if it was part of God’s plan. I wanted it to be a part of His plan for me and as it turned out, it appears to be because He provided a way to make furthering my education possible. Your support on here has made a lot of difference when it comes to staying strong and keeping the faith. Thank you, just thank you.

Would you pray for me?

I view many on here as my friends, people I truly respect and care about. Many of you have said you feel the same way. So, my friends, I ask those of you who pray to please pray for me. If you don’t believe in God, I will respect your decision not to pray. Any and all positive thoughts are appreciated as well.

I want to dig myself out of the hole that I created for myself when I was younger. I want to go back to school and get a degree in Business Administration, specializing in Accounting. I have been on the job hunt for awhile now and many of the jobs I look at require a degree. Alright, I’d love to have that piece of paper, giving me more edge over others who apply for the same job. Also, I know there is a lot more that I could learn about administrative jobs. The day I am done learning is the day I die. Lastly, I have wanted to learn accounting for years and this too would give me an edge, to have that knowledge. 

However, when I was 19, I went to college briefly. I got two loans, one of which has been paid off. The other, I neglected to pay for years. It went to the back burner of my mind and went on with rest of my life. It is now in default and the only way it can be brought out is to be paid in full. I can make payment arrangements, but it won’t be out of default until it is all paid. It can’t be consolidated and can’t be taken out of default after so many payments. I have tried talking with the collections agency and that is where it stands. If paid in full, $1,200 is needed and if paid in payments, $1,537.27 is needed.

Being without a job and living off what my grandma gives me for taking care of her makes it very difficult. She has enough to pay her bills and my basic needs, but that is it. So, I continue my job hunt and I also ask for any and all prayer and support possible. God works in mysterious ways, somehow things will work out the way that they are meant to.

Thank you in advance for your prayers, love, and support. I appreciate all of the support given thus far for my blog, you’re all amazing. ❤

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