4 out of 5 dentists recommend this WordPress.com site

Posts tagged ‘past’

So much to say…

20191008_083420

I have a lot to say right now. I stared at this screen for a little bit, unsure of where to begin. I couldn’t think of a clever title for this, so it is what it is…

I meant to write more in 2019 than I did. There were several times where I thought to myself, I really should blog, it’s been awhile and then I got busy and forgot.

It’s now 2020… Alright, where is the Jetson life I thought we’d be living? Honestly, I’m okay without flying cars, robot maids, etc. I wouldn’t necessarily mind being able to push a button and have my food be ready. Though, with an instant pot, that’s pretty close. 🤣

2019 brought a lot of loss, heartache – both literally and figuratively, stress, and struggle. It did also bring some joy, laughter, fun times, and good memories made. Overall, in all honesty, I am happy 2019 is over. There are lessons and memories I’ll take from it though.

One of the biggest things that happened in 2019 was my son coming home to live with us full-time, for the first time in 14 years, I got primary placement back. At first, I was so happy. I had fought for this for so long. I remember the tears, the heartache, stress, sleepless nights, and fighting it took to get to this point and finally, it was over.

About a month or so in, the high wore off and our troubles began. In the 14 years that I had limited time with my son, a chip grew on his shoulder, one that has become a mountain.

He’s angry at the world. His dad didn’t listen, was there physically and yet not there for him a lot of the time, kept trying to turn him into something he’ll likely never be, pushed him away, and refused to give him the one thing he’d been asking for over 13 years – to live primarily with me.

I struggled with my mental health issues, still do sometimes, and I was sometimes mentally checked out. I was too soft on him, to try to balance out how strict his dad was being. I was trying to be what I thought he needed, but I think I missed the mark more than I ever meant to. I sometimes was too self involved. As he was growing, neither his dad or I were really what he needed, I just didn’t fully see that until recently.

He was picked on in school for being different. He eventually fought back and that led to trouble. Coupled with mental health issues that were starting to present themselves, feeling torn between Mom and Dad, and a host of things going on inside his head, he was going down a path that would lead him towards darkness, a darkness I’m afraid of.

Early on, he was acting out. He was crying out. His dad didn’t listen. I kept telling him bad things would happen if he kept ignoring our son’s cries for help and to be heard. The tall tales increased, stealing started, fighting in school/class began, and antagonistic behavior towards his step-mom grew to a frightening level.

Fast forward to 2018. He tried running away in January and then in May, he got to a point where he pulled a knife and held onto it, scaring his step-mom, who by this point now had two little kids of her own and was also babysitting for someone. After talking to them, they finally listened somewhat and took him to a behavioral health facility. He was there for roughly two weeks. They tweaked the meds he was on while there. At first, he refused to see or talk to his dad and step-mom. After I talked to him, he finally decided to open up and talk to them. He seemed to learn a lot in his time there.

After a month or two, things went back to normal and in time, got worse on all fronts. He was actively stealing often, in more trouble at school, was alienating the few friends he had, and things at his dad’s were getting dangerous, to all involved. In that time, I began the court process, once again, (As I had gone through it in 2007-2009) to bring my son home.

In November of 2018, the court said they would leave it as is until the summer. I would then get primary placement for a trial run and if all went well, it could stay that way. Things seemed to be looking up.

On February 7th, 2019, things reached their breaking point for my son, his step-mom, and his dad. Cops were involved on both sides. He was taken to shelter care. We picked him up and he’s been here since.

Like stated earlier, things were fine for a month or so. I was taking him to school over an hour away until the court made the change a little more official, about a month later. He started going to school here then. Within two weeks, he was already getting into trouble here.

After all the fighting we did to make this happen and him swearing to me he’d start making better choices and that this change would help him grow and mature, it hurt my soul to see he was continuing this self destructive behavior. He was still lying, stealing, fighting, etc. He was also beginning to cause problems with his little sister, problems that go beyond simple sibling rivalry. His outbursts became violent. He would break things when he didn’t get his way/was angry. Now, I knew this wouldn’t be a quick fix, but he wasn’t working at changing and it was hard to watch and deal with. Therapy started and meds were tweaked and at first, there seemed to be an improvement.

After getting through Summer school, he was enrolled in an online school. As public school hadn’t ever worked well for him, it was time to try something different. Again, he swore things would be better without all of the distractions.

At first, things were fine. And then… He started to slack off, bailing on classes and only putting so much effort into his school work. His issues with sister were increasing. He got in trouble for stealing, again. Things were reaching a boiling point.

Meds were tweaked again and again, things were a little better and then they weren’t. The stress levels were high on all sides. My husband loves my son, but then there’s our daughter to consider and he made it known that for him, she comes first. Feeling torn between my children, I was unsure what to do. I knew things couldn’t continue as they were though.

After all of court stuff for what he’d been doing, he was placed on supervision. Those every other week meetings generally went alright. But, this last meeting didn’t go well. It led to him storming off. He didn’t like the rules and said he couldn’t live here. Once shelter care was explained to him, he said that wouldn’t work either. He got dramatic and said he could either live on the streets or kill himself. We explained those weren’t viable options. We kept trying to explain why it’s important he take his school work seriously and that what’s being asked of him isn’t any more than what many parents expect. He didn’t care about any of that and left the room, stomping up the stairs to his room.

That left my hubby, who got home from work, the social worker, and myself to talk. She said she’d give us the night to think about things and would see what we wanted to do in the morning. I talked to his dad and to my husband. In the end, it was decided to have him taken to shelter care. The cruelty to his sister, disrespectful behavior towards my hubby and I, trashing things and taking off, the lies, the taking things from us, the bailing on school stuff, etc needed to be stopped and we felt helpless to help him. Everything we’d tried wasn’t working.

He left peacefully yesterday, but wasn’t happy. He fought with me on the phone, clearly not ready to change. He kept trying to bait me, as is his way, and eventually I hung up. They did get him to do school work, saw that by the emails I got from the school when things got turned in. I don’t know where his mind is at today, but he’s got court in a few hours. I just want things to get better for my son, for our family.

My almost four year old shouldn’t be afraid of my 17 year old. My brilliant 17 year old shouldn’t be failing in school. Our family shouldn’t be feeling such constant tension. We should be able to spend time together as a family. We shouldn’t have to lock our bedroom door. We should be able to trust him with our daughter. We should be able to trust him in general. This whole situation sucks.

I pray to God for healing, light on the path we should each take as individuals and as a family, peace, love to help us grow closer again, for the pain to stop…. My soul aches and I just want the ache to end. I pray that this is the beginning to better days.

This isn’t the only thing going on, but it is definitely one of the biggest. One thing at a time, right? Then maybe we can focus on our marriage, finances, health, time with friends, etc more? I’m trying to be many things to many people. Sometimes I forget to be what I need for myself. I’m working on it. I’ll always be working on it, as I’m sure everyone will be. Our evolution only stops, or should stop anyway, when we die. While we’re here, we’re growing as people.

I hope that I can become a better me all the time, ever learning and changing. I want to be a better mom, wife, daughter, friend, business owner, photographer, writer, singer, cook, camper, nature lover, inhabitant of this world, Christian, and overall person.

I want to be someone people love, respect, look up to and admire, get inspired by, and that will be remembered as someone who gave, loved, and lived her life the best she could. I want that dash in between my birthday and the day I die to represent a life well lived.

I have hurt and been hurt. My parents hurt me. My mom was hurt by her parents. My grandparents had their own tales, some good and some not so good. I wanted to give better to my kids. Have I?

At 17, my grandma was pregnant and eloped to another state to get married. She’d already given up a child for adoption. She was in love with a man who wasn’t so nice a lot of the time. She gave birth to my uncle. They worked to later raise three kids. She did the best she could, but her best wasn’t enough to protect my mom from her own dad or provide what her kids really needed.

At 17, my mom was ready to bail and did at 18, married an abusive jerk. She left. She had me at 20. She did her best. Her best led me to foster care when I was abused by her boyfriend. That led to years of pain for us both. If I’m being honest, I think that pain is with us yet. She made a certain amount of peace with her mom, but I don’t think she ever fully let go. I haven’t fully let go yet and I’m still trying.

At 17, I was bounced between my mom, old foster mom, grandma, mom, and grandma again. I was so angry, hurt, depressed, and scared. I was diagnosed with bipolar at 19/20. I had my son at 23. I was an absolute wreck. I think over time, I’ve grown. I’m still a mess sometimes, but I think I’m in a much better place than I have been before.

At 17, my son is at shelter care because of his anger issues, refusal to do what’s expected of him, his harming his sister, and his need to control everything. He’s angry, scared, depressed. He’s struggling. He may want to be a she. He isn’t sure what he wants. He is trying to find his way.

On one hand, I believe I’m doing the right thing… He needs help, help we couldn’t alone give him. This could be a good thing for him, probably not right away, but eventually.

On the other hand, I still feel so awful that it ever got to this point. Sending my son away is killing a piece of my soul. I’m trying to keep the first point in mind so I don’t lose my mind completely.

Thank you to anyone who’s made it thus far, for reading what I’ve had to say. I hope that it’s perhaps touched something in you. If you’re going through any of this, know you’re not alone. Somehow, I’m making it. I am holding onto my faith, that things will work out. Please, I pray you’ll hold on too. And now I take another step forward….

When the Past Hurts Say Hello…

sunrise

Sometimes the past stays away for a long time and then unexpectedly knocks on the door, says hello, brings in their baggage, and wants to stay.

You hear a song, see something on TV, look at old pictures, find old things, have a conversation, read something, or have a dream that brings the memories of old to the surface. Though you’re living in the now, the past sometimes tugs at your sleeve, begging for your attention. Psst, don’t forget about me….

Sometimes our memories are pleasant, making us smile and laugh. Inside jokes, family gatherings, vacations, fun times with friends, your kid’s art projects and memorabilia collected throughout the years, something or someone that helped you grow and change for the better, firsts, buying your home, anniversaries of jobs, marriages, friendships, and so much more. While we should live for today, it’s okay to remember yesterday. It helped us become who we are today.

But sometimes, the memories and feelings they stir up are anything but pleasant. I had a moment like that this morning. Someone is celebrating their birthday tomorrow and dreads it each year, because they keep hoping their dad will acknowledge them and then is disappointed every time. I know this feeling. I share a birthday with my dad and he’s not once called, sent a letter, come to visit, asked me to visit, or done anything to wish me happy birthday. I’ve done so for him and every effort is ignored.

It’s hard to ignore the past when it’s part of your present. There’s still a part of me that longs for my dad’s love, effort to have a real relationship, and healing for all the pain over the years. Despite all he’s done, he’s my dad and I do love him. I think a part of him loves me, but sometimes I’m not really so sure.

I needed to lift myself out of the depression I felt trying to swallow me whole, but wasn’t sure how. I felt the tears coming and kept trying to stop them. I turn 40 this year and I still feel like a little girl begging my daddy to love me. How do I not dwell on this???

Some advice I gave this young person was though it’s easier said than done is to try to focus more on those who are there for them and less on those that aren’t. Advice can and is usually easier to give than take, but I knew I needed to try. I had just posted recently about moving forward, not staying in the past. I knew I owed it to myself and anyone I’ve given this advice to, to take it to heart myself.

A part of me does long for my dad’s love and attention, but if I dwell on that or anything else that I can’t control, I’ll be an emotional mess every day. I can’t control others or many situations, only myself and how I react to what happens. I may not have the affection I seek from him or many others, but I do get it from so many more. They show me love and it’s that love I should focus on, treasure, and give to them in return.

So, past and even present pain, I say this to you, you’re not welcome today. I will take your baggage for you, place it and you in an Uber, and send you on your way. You will not destroy me with your negativity, not today, no not today. I hope this helps even one of you who may be struggling this way yourself. May you know you are loved and use that as a light to get through to a good place. When the past hurts say hello, let us tell them goodbye.

To Move Forward, We Must Stop Living in the Past…

moving_on

There’s a difference between letting the past guide us and living in it. Letting yesterday remind us of where we came from and showing us what to do and often times, not to do can be a good thing. But sometimes, we let the past consume us and forget to live for today and the days yet to come.

To see our potential, grow, and learn, we must move forward. It’s time to quit looking in the rearview mirror or else we might not see where we’re headed and crash. It can be easy to get lost in nostalgia or let the fear that the past stuck with us take over our minds, but it’s important not to forget the world keeps turning no matter what we do. We want to go along for the ride, don’t we? 😉

Dear Future Me

pastpresentfuture

So many of us have imagined what we’d say to younger versions of ourselves if we got the chance. Oh the advice we’d give, the wisdom we’d share. Perhaps then we’d have avoided some of the hard times?

I, myself, have written such letters to versions of myself that are long gone. But today, I wondered what I might say to a future versions of myself, were I given the opportunity to meet her. Might it go something like this….

Dear Future Me,

You don’t exist yet, but I’m hoping that when you do and you get the chance to read this that you’ll take what I have to say to heart.

So far, you have spent so much time worrying, over analyzing things, focusing on things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things, and dwelling on what was instead of what is and what could be. Let me say this, stop. Life is too short to stress so much. If you’re here, able to read this, take a moment to count your blessings and then go out and make the most of the time you have.

How many sleepless nights have you spent worrying about things that worked themselves out in the end? How many times have you needlessly panicked? Let’s not focus so much on what is out of our control or sweat the small things.

Instead, let’s shape the moments we can into ones full of love and laughter. Give when you can. When the hard times come, remember you’ve gotten through worse and push forward believing this too is another hurdle we’ll get over. You may roll your eyes at this, but deep down you know there’s wisdom in what I’m telling you.

Things won’t always be sunshine and roses and nor will they always be dark and depressing. There’s light and dark throughout every stage in life. Find courage in the tough times, let wisdom grace you, and learn from them. Find joy in the wonderful moments, may love touch you, and may you let it do the same for others.

You’ve made it this far, keep going! I believe in you, as do many others. Here’s to tomorrow letting us see its wondrous beauty and all it has in store.

Sincerely,

The you you once knew

 

*What would you tell the you of tomorrow?*

Holidays Aren’t On Tuesdays

20160719_103741

I was lying in bed, half awake this morning and thinking about our trash and recycling going out today. If there’s a holiday on our normal pick-up day, then they pick up the day before.

For some reason, my mind told me that there aren’t holidays on Tuesdays, thinking of Easter, Thanksgiving, etc. Though then I thought about Christmas, Fourth of July, etc and felt really silly. But, I thought my thought would make for a pretty cool blog title. Waste not! I just needed to figure out what I wanted to talk about.

Today’s date is memorable for a few reasons. As stated in my previous blog, today marks four years with WordPress. But, it signifies a couple other things as well.

Sixteen years ago today, I was in a car accident that nearly claimed my life. The circumstances were ones that could have been prevented. But, my friends and I made some stupid decisions and luckily, I can say we’re all still here living our lives. Lessons learned.

The last thing that makes today memorable is that my daughter, Claralynn turns three months. What an incredible three months it’s been, watching her grow and develop. I’m so blessed.

So today might not be a holiday, but it’s still a special day. People around the world are celebrating anniversaries, birthdays, promotions, new journies, and life in general. Though even without any “special” things going on, I still would say celebrate because you’re here, given another day to love and to live. So, make the most of it!

A Question I Ask Thee…

riddle me this

I feel like many only skim over blogs and don’t take the time to fully read them. So many times, I see blogs that ask people for their input and people just simply “like” the blog, but don’t leave any feedback. I think that’s wrong. If we’re really going to be a part of this community, we should share more with one another and I don’t mean just writing more blogs, but commenting on one another’s work and becoming something bigger, something greater, something with more heart.

Yesterday, I wrote such a blog, one that asked for feedback and not one person answered the question I posed. Why? Why did everyone simply hit “like” and then continue to scroll past? I don’t want to just write blogs and have people lightly read what I have to say. I want people to engage in conversation with me and with others. I try to participate in other’s blogs as often as I can, even spark conversations with others that commented. This is a community, one that should be ready to grow together. We need to work on doing that more. I am guilty of it too sometimes, but I am getting better at it.

So, I am going to try this again and see if anyone is really paying attention to what I am saying. Yesterday, I asked those who happen to read it that day who their greatest influence in life is and why. I am going to pose that same question today. Today though, I am kindly asking for you to comment, to actually participate. I want to get to know my readers and anyone else who might stumble upon my blog. I am here for so much more than sharing my thoughts and feelings. I want to get to know others, be inspired by you, and hopefully inspire you as well. Let’s work together to make this place even better!

I am going to pose another question today as well. And the proof that you’ve really read this will be in your comments below. 😉 We all have events in our lives that shape us into who we are today. I want you to take a moment and think about what is one of the events in your life that has shaped you the most and how has it done so? Please share with me and with others. Me and myself want to know, and my avid readers!  Side note: That was a Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire quote! 10 points to the house that can tell me who said it! 😉

I have had a lot of major events in my life that have shaped me into the person I am today. It is hard to say which one has shaped me the most, but I am going to pick one, because otherwise we’d be here all day. 😉 Being a foster kid was definitely an experience I won’t forget. I had been molested as a kid and had to be taken from my home. That in and of itself shaped me quite a bit. I live with PTSD because of it, but I have been learning to not let it define me. But that’s not the experience I want to delve into today. Being a foster kid is something I want to talk to you about today.

I have seen many stories on Facebook lately from foster parents, about the kids they have taken in, and how rewarding it is to help kids in need. Those not in it for the money, but in it to help kids overcome the hands they were dealt, show them love, and give them good lives are truly amazing people. I lived in a few homes and I can testify that there are some truly wonderful people out there, with kind hearts that just want to help kids heal and see them thrive.

For many kids, it’s not an easy adjustment, even if the new situation is better than their old one. To take them from what they know and throw them into something and somewhere new with people they don’t know is hard. Trust is already a hard thing for them to give anyone and now here are new people who claim they only have their best interests at heart.

For me, it was hard. As hard as life was with my mom, I wasn’t sure what to think about being sent to live with people I didn’t know, especially when I’d also have to switch schools too. Everyone was a stranger. It took me awhile to adjust and being labeled a freak for being “in the system” was difficult. “What did you do to get put into foster care?” Really? Most of us didn’t do anything. Many of us were hurt, by those who are supposed to love us the most. But, it was and I am sure still is hard for outsiders to understand. I was told before that it was likely the only way they could react to us because they just didn’t know what to say or how to act. But, to a kid, that doesn’t make us feel any better. It still hurts.

I will say this though, I am grateful to those who took me in, cared for me, and did everything they could to help me move forward. I was shown a lot of patience and kindness in a time when I had known so little before. I was given hope. And now, as an adult, I know that I want to give back, to help others like I was helped. When we’re in a position to give back in that way, we will. My husband supports this as he knows how important it is to me and also wants to help kids who feel lost and alone, give them a chance at a happy childhood and the hope for a bright future.

Well, I said more than I planned on, though that is often the case with me. 😉 I hope you enjoyed reading. Now, if you’d be so kind and leave me some feedback and also share with me a part of yourself, that would so appreciated!!!!!! Let’s keep this community growing closer together!

Yesterday Made You Who You Are Today

past-present-future

I saw a post on Facebook today that my cousin shared about not regretting your past, no matter how many mistakes you made or what they were. Everything that was done in all of your yesterdays has shaped you into who you are today.

It is easy to put yourself down for mistakes you’ve made and to regret choices made in the past. “If only I hadn’t done….” or “I wish I never would have said….” And sometimes we beat ourselves up even more for things we wished we had said or done, but for reasons of our own, we didn’t.

Something I have learned over the years is, what’s done is done. Beating yourself up over the past doesn’t change anything. And as for things not done, either it wasn’t the right time for those things to happen or maybe they just weren’t meant to happen at all. That is for you to determine. If you still feel that you should go out and do something, don’t make the excuse that your time has passed. If it is something that means a lot to you and it can be accomplished, go for it! If it’s something you know was only for a certain time, then you need to let it go. Either way, find ways to make peace with what was and with what is. And never stop dreaming and working towards what can be.

I used to berate myself over the many bad choices I made, the people I hurt, and the people I trusted that hurt me. I put myself down for the person I was and I held myself back from becoming who I wanted to be. I thought I couldn’t be someone worthy of respect, trust, true friendship, and love. I thought I was destined to mess up and be alone.

Looking back, I am glad I didn’t hold onto those views and that eventually, with a lot of support and love, I overcame the old me. As alone as I thought I was, I realized I had more people beside me than I ever knew. But, it was more than that, I realized there was more to me than my mistakes and my dysfunctional past. I could overcome all of it and be someone I was proud to be. Every mistake, lesson learned the hard way, broken heart, and bad thing that has happened has made me into who I am today. I no longer beat myself up over or regret the paths I took, the things I did that, the people I spent my time with, or what has happened to me.

And, I would use my past to help others learn that they can also overcome theirs and that they too can be what and who they want to be. I feel that we all have untapped potential, can learn and grow all the days of our lives, can inspire as much as we’ve been inspired, can give so much, and be the person we want to be. The past may be written, but the future hasn’t been yet. So, I urge everyone who reads this to take comfort in that and to never give up on themselves. No matter how dark your days were, know that they can get brighter if you allow them to. Don’t let your past define you. Allow your past to make you into who you long to be.

 

Author Joanne Reed

This is Your Quest - Your Mission to Find Happiness

MANAGING YOURSELF

“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free.

Inner Peace

True wealth is the wealth of the soul

Improve Life

We are ready to solve your problems. [free]

the !n(tro)verted yogi

a topsy-turvy life of quietude

Jalvis Quotes

Poems, Literature, Articles, Musings & Quotes Collection - By Vishal Dutia

Life & Style

Stories, ideas, reviews

life at the moment

Random self talk

Alex Markovich

author, artist, theater director

Lifenvi

Live life in a livable environment.

Space Time Bae

Throwing my soul into the cosmos.

WORLD OF WORDS

An Amateur Poet's World

Poetry collection

Work by Rain Alchemist

Rain Coast Review

Thoughts on my life... by Donald B. Wilson

Perception

feelings, thoughts and dilemmas

a Canadian In Brazil

Travel Tips for Canadians interested in Brazil

Breathing Words

Where Words Breathe

Rocky

Star

Writing with Strangers

[The Poetry Blog]

Nature Poetry by Jamie Whorton

Nature poetry, photography, and other poetry

Freedomistheluxuryiseek

I Write to express my inner world💎☯️

Amazing Story Amazing Life

This site is about my view of life, my journey and experiences.

tinytotspoetry

I AIM TO PLEASE THE YOUNG AND YOUNG AT HEART WITH POEMS DESIGNED FOR KIDS. READ ALONG WITH YOUR SMALL TOTS FOR FUN.. LET'S MAKE RHYMING FUN AND EXCITING!!!

Poetry Prayer Peace

Do you know how much I love you? More than all the stars in the sky.

Parties & Events

Stories, ideas, reviews

WordPress Tutorials

WordPress Tutorials

✞♫♪ untamedpraise ♪♫ ✞

Psalm 139: 23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!

The Self-Talk Show

Your most important show!

Maybe Crazy Help

A Lifestyle Blog With Self-Help Advice

Organic Tree Nutrition

You are what you absorb

In Dianes Kitchen

Recipes showing step by step directions with pictures and gadget reviews

Emma Ortega Negrete

YOUR EMPOWERMENT COACH TRANSFORMING YOU TO YOUR AUTHENTIC HIGHEST SELF!

FARAH PINKLADY

Beauty & Lifestyle Blogger

SHOPPINGFIX

My Vanity and Closet

River of Word Flow

Rhymes and Reasons

#MILLENNIALLIFECRISIS

I dont have the answers, just a lot of questions.

%d bloggers like this: