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No Shame in Walking Away

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When you see someone you love in need

Often times the first instinct is to help out

You want to erase all pain, sorrow, & doubt

To see their minds at ease & hearts freed

 

Sometimes, things work out for those we love

Our efforts are successful & they’re grateful

Other times, things go awry and instead they’re hateful

Or we’re simply taken for granted & we cry to heaven above

 

Why is that sometimes those who are supposed to be closest to us

Are the ones that cause us the most heartache & pain

It should be easy to walk away from those only interested in what they can gain

But when there’s bonds that tie, it’s often not easy to leave without a fuss

 

Sometimes we never find the strength to walk away

For we’re family, family sticks together always, right?

Other times though, we rid the toxic from our sight

And we see there’s no shame in not wanting to stay

 

We ought to look out for one another, especially our family

But there’s nothing wrong with not tolerating abuse

Sometimes we find after trying to help for so long, what’s the use?

One can only try for so long before they need to set themselves free.

What My Voice Can’t Say….

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Darkness Crept In

The lonely heart wept

For the darkness within crept

While happiness slept

 

Part-time Love

You swear you’ll be there

But then you break promises

And fade out of sight

 

Seeking Direction

I look at the map

Trying to find the way home

Feeling blindsided

 

A New Hope

I need a new hope

The old one within has died

Please relight the flame

 

What My Voice Can’t Say

Sorrow grips my lips

The red sea finds me again

Help me find my voice

The Ties That Bind

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As I mourn the loss of a dear friend

I am reminded that life still goes on

13 days ago, my daughter was born

I could let grief swallow me whole

But what good would that do those I have left?

 

Throughout life, we face so much

There are hardships – financially, physically, and emotionally

We face death and say goodbye to so many we love

Ridicule, pain, loss, and more threaten to pull us down

But if that’s all we focus on, then yes life is indeed sad

 

However, we also are blessed with so much good as well

Friendships, family, laughter, joy, and love

New jobs, new homes, children and grandchildren too

There’s so much to look forward to if we have our eyes open to it all

We must learn from the hard times and appreciate the good ones

 

It’s not just about the day we’re born or the day we die

It’s about all of the days in between

Did we make it a life worth living?

That’s what we need to ask ourselves while we’re still here

And do all we can to make sure that answer is yes

 

It’s hard in the face of death to focus on life

Succumbing to grief would be so easy

But I believe that those we lose would want us to keep going

To make the most of the time we’re given

And to continue to strengthen the ties that bind

 

So that’s what I am trying to do

Live my life in such a way that would honor those I have lost

To make the most of each day that He gives me

Loving those I have left

And letting them love me

How Do You Let Go?

let go

I am a person that believes in forgiveness, no matter who you are or what you’ve done, not just those that we feel are worthy of forgiveness. And I know I too mess up and seek that from others. So, if I want that from people, I know I should be able to do the same for them.

There are people in my life I still have a hard time fully forgiving. I have let go enough that I want them in my life and that just the thought of losing them tears me apart. And most days, things seem fine. But there are days when I realize the hurt is still there. How do you let go completely? How do you make it so that when the bad memories resurface, you’re not filled with pain and resentment?

I am nearly 37 years old and most of the things done to me were many years ago and yet when the memories make their way to the forefront of my thoughts, the pain feels new. I hate that the anger and hurt still exist within me. I have been praying, talking with God, for years and asking for healing. I wonder sometimes though if the pain will live with me forever and that is not something I want. I want to let go.

My parents tore my life apart from an early age and throughout my early adulthood. My dad preferred alcohol and secluding himself over bonding with his family. He has hurt many over the years, not just me. Many still cling to their anger and sense of betrayal when it comes to him and wonder why I don’t fully do the same. And I think they assume it’s just so easy for me, that I hold him in some false sense of being. I know what he’s done and the pain he’s caused. I am not blind. Some forget that I too suffered because of him.

He called me names, often insinuated that my mother cheated on him and that I wasn’t his daughter – though he always refused every offer to get a paternity test done, threatened my life more than once, put me down, didn’t contact me when I was with my mom – not even on OUR birthday, and just made me feel outright unloved. He seemed to feel zero shame for what he was putting me or any of us through. I still find it hard to understand him sometimes.

Though he sort of explained his behavior towards me and apologized when I was 21, things have have never been easy between us. I did reach out to him a few years ago, because despite everything, he is my dad and I love him. But, I must admit, I find it hard to write to him because when he does write back now and then, his letters are filled with anger at the justice system, family not being there, and life in general. He has burned so many bridges and hurt so many people and sometimes I wonder where his sense of humility is. I feel torn between being there for him and just walking away sometimes. I love him, so much and I have had horrible nightmares about losing him, ones that leave me in tears. But then, the past comes back to me sometimes and I feel so hurt still. Again I ask, how do I let that go?

My mom and I are in a wonderful place these days and I thank God for that. Our story isn’t any easier, in fact I think it might be a bit more difficult. When I was little, she and I were close. But then, when I was about seven or eight, things began to feel strained. I remember how often she made me feel alone, whether she was home with me or left me with someone else so she could go out. The worst was when she was in the same room with me and yet I felt so alone, it was like she was gone anyway. We’d gotten to a point where we no longer connected.

And when I was 10, things really took a turn for the worse still. She met a man at the State Fair, where she’d decided to work for the summer, so she could make some extra money. I know we needed it, she was raising me alone. When she first introduced him to me, I wasn’t sure what to think and then, I thought perhaps he could be a good guy, after all my mom liked him. In very little time, she had him move in with us. Months later is when things went terribly wrong.

He began to molest me and I finally got the nerve to tell my mom, after some time. She told me she’d confront him. In the end, it didn’t do any good and he kept doing it. After awhile, I told her again and still no change. The last time I told her, I was 13. She told me that if he did it again, he’d be out. Yet things still didn’t change and I’d had it. So, I wrote about what I was going through. A friend I had made while riding the city bus to school had noticed me writing it and saw how upset I was. She asked me what was wrong, so I showed her my notebook. She told me I needed to get help, only I didn’t know where to start. So when I was at school, a classmate also noticed I was upset and asked me what was wrong. I was surprised, she was someone I didn’t talk to much and yet, I showed her what I’d written on my way to school. She told me we needed to go the school counselor, so I went with her. I showed him what I’d written and by the end of the day, I was taken from my home.

I stayed with a friend and her family for a couple of days and then I was put into foster care. My mom had been given a choice the night the cops got involved and she chose him. He was arrested, but after he was released until the trial, she let him live with her. I felt so betrayed and part of what still sticks with me is that her mom looked the other way too. She was sexually abused by my grandfather and my grandma didn’t do anything. She wasn’t there for my mom or my uncles when they needed her and now my mom was doing the same thing to me. My mom still hasn’t totally let her pain and anger go either and yet she was able to break my heart. It’s still a sore subject between us, what happened when I was a teenager. She didn’t know how to be there for me, I get that more now than I did back then. Mental health issues run in my family and I know how hard it can be some days to be a good parent and even tougher still when your child is going through it too. But, the pain I feel over what happened is still so real. And like my dad, I have nightmares about losing her and they hurt me every time. I cry at the thought of losing her. She means so much to me, more than I could ever say. I want to let it all go, all of it, but I don’t know how to fully do so. How do you it? Is it really possible for me to not feel the pain anymore?

And, another thing I wonder about sometimes is how can you be overall be so very happy with your life the way that it is and yet still miss parts of the past, especially parts it feels like I shouldn’t? How does one put the past where it truly belongs, in the past, and leave it there? I know we all remember things from our past from time to time, there’s nothing wrong with that, unless one is still trying to live in it. The good and the bad, it’s done and I don’t to dwell on it. The pain exes caused me and that I caused them, the good times I had with them, the friends I left behind and the ones who walked away from me, the mistakes I made with my son and now the fear I’ll let my baby down too, and so on. I want to live in the here and now while I am here to live it. Any advice? How have any of you let go and moved forward?

I feel so horrible sometimes that I still struggle with this, with the anger, the pain, and the inability to let it all go. I know I am only human and shouldn’t beat myself up, but sometimes it’s so hard. I love my family, all of them, and no matter what any of them has done or I have done, I just want us to be close. I want to remember daily that I am not the me I once was and that I am doing the best I can to not repeat those mistakes, especially the ones I made regarding my son. I want to show him constantly that I am here and my baby who will be born in April that I am going to be there from the beginning. I want my husband to know that I am trying the best I can to support him, be a good wife and partner, and that no matter what, we’re in this together. I want my friends to know that I am here and will do what I can to be a good friend and hope that they will do the same for me. Life is about today and making each one we’re given better than the last, about loving and being loved. I just struggle with dealing with things sometimes. I know we all do and I am not alone in this. Blame it on the hormones or just thoughts that have haunted me for years, but I needed to get this out. Any wisdom or thoughts are welcome and appreciated.

 

Our Lives As Stories

story of my life

Every life is full of ups and downs

Sad moments and cheerful ones

Each journey has many stories to tell

They can inspire and help others

Each path we take, every time we stumble and fall

Even the ones we may feel don’t matter

Or the ones that are too devastating to share

They help light the way for others who are in dark places

Tell your stories, let your voice be heard

Write them upon the hearts of others

Show those around you that they’re not alone

And that there’s always a way through

Let people laugh with you and cry with you too

As you share with others, let them also share with you

For they too have lessons learned and wisdom to offer

May our lives come together, touch one another

I pray that my story has been and will continue to help others

Show them that others suffer, but that there’s a way out

There’s a way to heal, to forgive, and move forward

And that there’s more to life than just pain and sorrow

May they also see that there’s so much laughter and joy to be had

That there’s so much to live for, no matter how tough times might get

And that there’s so much love to both be received and taken

Never lose sight of that, hold onto hope, faith, & love all the days of your life

May my story be etched upon your soul, may it live with you

And may yours stay stay with me as well, always teaching me

Let us remember that it’s not just about one person, it’s about all of us

Co-existing in this big crazy mixed up world

Though each light can shine on its own

And even the smallest voice can be heard

Never think you’re not enough to make a difference

It all begins with just a spark

I’m telling my story for all to see

Hoping it does make a difference

Even if it’s just in the lives of a few

So how about you?

Rest In Peace, Marie Irene

brokenheart

The tears have yet to dry, the sadness is still fresh upon our hearts when the news hits us that yet another friend has passed away. This one hits a little closer to home. This was someone I had talked to a lot over the years. Our sons had even become friends. It feels like yesterday when she and James were at our place celebrating Zach’s 6th birthday. A few years later, we got news that his dad had died. Suicide. 😦 She found him. She had to explain to her son that his dad was gone. All the while, she’s been battling Cystic Fibrosis. This young woman has gone through an awful lot and though we would go months without talking, when we would catch up, it would feel as if no time had passed. My heart is broken once more as I find that now it is she that has left us. Only recently, someone else I knew had passed. I didn’t know him well, but others I know did and my heart grieved for their loss. But now, I suffer a loss of my own as this time it’s also a friend of mine and what’s worse is thinking of James, now 11, who has lost both of his parents in just a few years time. There have been a lot of deaths within the various groups of friends that I have, many I haven’t known or known that well, but their deaths impacted many I know and so I felt pain. It is so sad, watching so many die around you. I know that life still goes on and that we best honor their memories by continuing to enjoy our lives while we have them to live. But, right in the very face of grief, that’s not so easy to think about. I do ask for prayer, for those that Marie has left behind to mourn her, most especially her son. She was so young. I am glad that she no longer suffers, but I really do miss her. Rest In Peace, sweet Marie Irene.

Though Yesterday Is Gone, We Still Remember….

its ok

When someone enters your life and becomes a huge part of your heart, they never truly leave. Losing a loved one isn’t something one ever truly gets over. A part of your heart always aches for them. It’s okay to grieve and at your own pace. Never let someone tell you it’s been too long, to just get over it. Do definitely keep on living for it is the best way to honor their memory, but remember that it’s okay to miss them, to hurt over their absence. I do not only speak of death, but also when a friendship or relationship falls apart and you go your separate ways. Losing someone in any way after they have meant so much to you is hurtful. I have lost so many to death, but I have also loved and then watched/help the relationship fall apart, made wonderful friends and then had those friendships dissipate, and have even had family ties broken over harsh words and difficult times. As each hole in my heart was created, I knew I’d never be the same again. At times I have even wondered, how exactly does one pick up the pieces and move on? How can life ever be the same again? Well, I have found that life can’t be the same as it was, but it’s not over. I still have plenty of reasons to live, to move forward, to smile, to enjoy life. But I won’t pretend that I don’t think of the past now and then, that I don’t grieve over those I have lost, that I am suddenly over the grief I have felt. I won’t let anyone diminish that, though nor will I let that grief take my life away. I want to cherish the time I have while it’s mine to work with. Just don’t judge me if tears fall when I look at pictures of those who were once a vital part of my life and remember, don’t let anyone do that to you. Our pasts may be over, but they do shape us into who we become. And yes, as I always say….just don’t stay in yesterday land for too long, remember where you are and that today is a pretty good place to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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