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Posts tagged ‘pain’

Raw Truth

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A soul that simply wants love and peace struggles with so much sorrow, stress, and heartache thrown her way. She knows that life is never perfect, but sometimes wonders why it has to be this hard.

She smiles and laughs a lot. She knows there’s still so much to be grateful for. But in all honesty, sometimes those smiles and laughs aren’t fully genuine. Sometimes she just wants to keep people from worrying about her or seeing how bad things can be for her or her family.

Sometimes she is the epitome of selflessness, giving of her talents, things that she owns, or her time, whether she’s really in a position to do so or not. There are times where she’s instead this being of such selfishness, where she can’t see beyond her own pain, needs, or desires. There are times when she makes it all about her.

Right now, she’s not okay at all and if being completely honest, she hasn’t been for awhile. She’s feeling so overwhelmed. She lets a fraction of that show for some to see sometimes, but often keeps much of it to herself. She thinks many just don’t want to deal with her pain, insecurities, doubts, and mental health issues.

She feels things intensely, all things. If she’s scared, sad, angry, worried, jealous, anxious, or even happy, she REALLY feels it and not just her own feelings, but those around her too. If someone she knows is hurting or even really happy, she feels it like she’s going through whatever it is the other is dealing with. Only those like her begin to understand what that’s like, that it feels like a blessing many times, but can feel like a burden too, most especially when they’re struggling themselves. It’s not something they can just shut off either, this is why sometimes she distances herself from others, not because she doesn’t care, but because she feels too much all at once.

She loves God and believes in the power of love, mercy, and forgiveness. Yet sometimes she struggles in her own sin and finds it hard to fully let go and move on. Some wounds haven’t fully healed, though it’s been decades. She has prayed with such genuine desire to be free of the pain and lingering anger that lives buried within and somehow she still can’t fully let go. She’s let go enough to stop the daily nightmares and to allow some to be in her life, to feel a powerful love for them and an honest desire to see them happy, but the pain is still there.

She knows she can be her own worst enemy and harshest critic. Sometimes she is so cruel to herself. Sometimes she makes herself cry from the way she speaks in her own head. Sometimes she doubts the kind things people say. She grew up feeling alone, unwanted, ugly, and not worthy of being truly loved. It’s hard to overcome years of feeling this way, years of being told she’s nothing, and years of being ignored. She’s trying, every day, so very hard, she’s trying. God loves her and He also sent many into her life that love her too. Part of her knows she’s loved beyond measure and that there’s so much good beyond the flaws. Part of her still struggles with doubts sometimes and then she feels guilty for feeling that way…

When some people only contact her because they want something, she feels unappreciated and used, worst of all is when it’s family that make her feel so awful. How can she cut ties with people whom she loves and yet feels may not truly love her in return?

She’s moody, a pain to know and love sometimes, talks an awful lot, is what some consider to be too sensitive, and a bit neurotic at times. In all honesty, she’s not always easy to get along with. Yet, she’s also very kind, generous to a fault much of the time, funny, great to talk to, and loving. She may not always be easy to stay connected to or be friends with, but feels maybe she’s worth it if you stick around.

Pet peeves are a long list with this one, but she has gotten better with keeping some of those feelings to herself. She’s, perhaps irrationally, irritated by loud eaters, IM speech and most especially when people use zero punctuation marks to separate thoughts, rude drivers, disorganization, improper use of words like they’re, their, and there, using words that aren’t words like irregardless, people messaging her about business opportunities she has zero interest in, mass messages and texts, chain messages, when people put empty containers away instead of disposing of them, cleaning up after grown ups, finding toilet paper rolls that are put on, what she feels, is the wrong way, and the list goes on….

She wants to be seen and heard…..

She wants to be enough, for her husband, her children, others in her family, her friends, her clients, and so much so, for her God. She wants to be enough for herself too….

If she feels a certain way about something or someone, do not try to change her mind. She will respect your feelings and beliefs, but she would appreciate it if others do the same for her.

She has so many unfinished projects out there. She wants to get better at starting a book or gift for someone and actually finishing them.

Though she’s happy with the life God has given her, sometimes she wonders what it might be like if she had made some better choices. Then she feels guilty for feeling that way. Clearly, life has turned out the way it has for a reason and to get here, the things that happened needed to happen. Yet, sometimes that’s hard to accept.

She really dislikes extreme heat or cold. Though things like humidity and horrible wind chill bother her and she will complain about them, she can’t see herself living anywhere than her home state, at least for quite a long while. When people tell her to move if she hates the weather, she is annoyed because it isn’t really that simple. Her whole life has been rooted to one state. In her mind, one doesn’t simply uproot everything because the weather sometimes sucks. Family, friendship, and love are pretty good reasons to stay. Yes, she may whine about weather now and then, but in reality, she’s home right where she’s at and doesn’t want to leave anytime soon.

She is, as I’m sure anyone reading this can guess, me. I could say a lot more. I could open up the floodgates. If I do, if I go into more detail, say more of what haunts me, what makes me who I am, who I was, and who I want to be, I hope you’ll not think less of me for doing so.

I feel I’m complex and yet not so difficult to know. If you really want to know me though, be warned, as mentioned before, I’m a handful. I think, perhaps, that you may find the journey worth it though.

My PTSD stems from being emotionally neglected by my mom, sexually and physically abused by one of her boyfriends, being either neglected or treated like garbage by my dad, the things that happened in my foster homes, and being raped by someone I thought cared for me.

Some days, I feel okay. Some days, I think I’m mostly over what’s happened. I’ve mostly forgiven my mom. I love her more than I can say. Having her in my life means more than I can say. Her happiness is important to me. She is a gift from God. Some days though, something triggers painful memories and then I feel so angry that she wasn’t there for me when I needed her most, that she didn’t defend me, and that she left me to deal with what her, now, ex had done to me all on my own. She’s never really talked through this with me and she likely never will. I’m trying to accept that and most days, I’m okay with it. Some days are hard though, really hard.

My dad was so mean, outright mean, for so long. We have also made peace. He did apologize for hurting me and that means a lot to me. He knows he put me through so much and that I didn’t deserve it. Funny though, we don’t talk much. He’s locked up, so that’s part of it. Another part of it is that we just don’t have much to say to one another. We’re so different, in many ways. We have the same birthday and I can count, on one hand, how many times he’s wished me happy birthday. He’s not a sappy, saying I love you type and I very much am. It does hurt that we’ve never been close, even though I know a large part of that is because that’s just who he is. I long for a closeness, with him, and others I just don’t have. Sometimes I feel like I was born into the wrong family.

I know I burned bridges when I was young. I lied, stole, and caused so much mistrust when I was much younger. Some excuse it because of all I went through. Some never got over it, it seems. Some have gotten past it and know I’m not that person anymore. I do feel guilty sometimes still. I was hurt a lot, but I wasn’t innocent, free of hurting others either. I don’t feel that I deserved what happened to me anymore, but I also believe those I hurt didn’t deserve it either. I’m just glad that me died years ago and am grateful for those who either stuck by me or who let me back in when they saw that I’m different. (That’s why I often give many chances when I’m hurt, because others did that for me. I’m still learning when enough is enough though.)

I’m not okay and I’m not okay because of stuff going on with my son, things he’s dealing with at his dad’s, fighting to bring him home, money stuff, having several loved ones die in a few week’s time, a car accident, and trying to deal with it all at once. It feels like too much many days. I do keep pushing forward, one foot at a time, but some days it feels like I’m not going anywhere. Some days, I feel so lost and sometimes I’m so sick of acting like I’m happy when I’m not….

I look at my children and want more for them. I’m trying to be the good that I learned from my parents and not the bad. I know I have and will likely mess up again, but I’m going to keep trying, every day. I believe my kids know how much I love them and that they know I’ll always fight to give them a good life. Some days, I fear I’ll fail, but the fear never causes me to give up. I fall sometimes, but I always get back up and keep trying. I am that way with my hubby, my friends, family, and clients too. The day I stop trying is the day God decides I’m done.

Speaking of being done, I think this post is just about finished. I’ve not said it all, but then I don’t think I’ll be truly done for years to come. For now, I think this is enough. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I needed to free these thoughts, some of which I’ve written about before and I’m sure to again, and others maybe you’ve never seen before. All of which though, well, they were taking up needed space that I’d like to free up for other thoughts right now.

I’ve got clients to concentrate on, so that I can take the best photos I possibly can for them. I’ve got kiddos that need me to be alright. I’ve got a hubby that deserves a happier and healthier me more often. I’ve got a God and community to serve, to give my best to. So, with that, I’ll say au revoir, for now. Thanks, again, for spending this time with me. Until next time, much love and may you find a reason to smile as often as possible.

 

*photo taken by me at Regner Park, a couple of years ago.*

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No Shame in Walking Away

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When you see someone you love in need

Often times the first instinct is to help out

You want to erase all pain, sorrow, & doubt

To see their minds at ease & hearts freed

 

Sometimes, things work out for those we love

Our efforts are successful & they’re grateful

Other times, things go awry and instead they’re hateful

Or we’re simply taken for granted & we cry to heaven above

 

Why is that sometimes those who are supposed to be closest to us

Are the ones that cause us the most heartache & pain

It should be easy to walk away from those only interested in what they can gain

But when there’s bonds that tie, it’s often not easy to leave without a fuss

 

Sometimes we never find the strength to walk away

For we’re family, family sticks together always, right?

Other times though, we rid the toxic from our sight

And we see there’s no shame in not wanting to stay

 

We ought to look out for one another, especially our family

But there’s nothing wrong with not tolerating abuse

Sometimes we find after trying to help for so long, what’s the use?

One can only try for so long before they need to set themselves free.

What My Voice Can’t Say….

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Darkness Crept In

The lonely heart wept

For the darkness within crept

While happiness slept

 

Part-time Love

You swear you’ll be there

But then you break promises

And fade out of sight

 

Seeking Direction

I look at the map

Trying to find the way home

Feeling blindsided

 

A New Hope

I need a new hope

The old one within has died

Please relight the flame

 

What My Voice Can’t Say

Sorrow grips my lips

The red sea finds me again

Help me find my voice

The Ties That Bind

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As I mourn the loss of a dear friend

I am reminded that life still goes on

13 days ago, my daughter was born

I could let grief swallow me whole

But what good would that do those I have left?

 

Throughout life, we face so much

There are hardships – financially, physically, and emotionally

We face death and say goodbye to so many we love

Ridicule, pain, loss, and more threaten to pull us down

But if that’s all we focus on, then yes life is indeed sad

 

However, we also are blessed with so much good as well

Friendships, family, laughter, joy, and love

New jobs, new homes, children and grandchildren too

There’s so much to look forward to if we have our eyes open to it all

We must learn from the hard times and appreciate the good ones

 

It’s not just about the day we’re born or the day we die

It’s about all of the days in between

Did we make it a life worth living?

That’s what we need to ask ourselves while we’re still here

And do all we can to make sure that answer is yes

 

It’s hard in the face of death to focus on life

Succumbing to grief would be so easy

But I believe that those we lose would want us to keep going

To make the most of the time we’re given

And to continue to strengthen the ties that bind

 

So that’s what I am trying to do

Live my life in such a way that would honor those I have lost

To make the most of each day that He gives me

Loving those I have left

And letting them love me

How Do You Let Go?

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I am a person that believes in forgiveness, no matter who you are or what you’ve done, not just those that we feel are worthy of forgiveness. And I know I too mess up and seek that from others. So, if I want that from people, I know I should be able to do the same for them.

There are people in my life I still have a hard time fully forgiving. I have let go enough that I want them in my life and that just the thought of losing them tears me apart. And most days, things seem fine. But there are days when I realize the hurt is still there. How do you let go completely? How do you make it so that when the bad memories resurface, you’re not filled with pain and resentment?

I am nearly 37 years old and most of the things done to me were many years ago and yet when the memories make their way to the forefront of my thoughts, the pain feels new. I hate that the anger and hurt still exist within me. I have been praying, talking with God, for years and asking for healing. I wonder sometimes though if the pain will live with me forever and that is not something I want. I want to let go.

My parents tore my life apart from an early age and throughout my early adulthood. My dad preferred alcohol and secluding himself over bonding with his family. He has hurt many over the years, not just me. Many still cling to their anger and sense of betrayal when it comes to him and wonder why I don’t fully do the same. And I think they assume it’s just so easy for me, that I hold him in some false sense of being. I know what he’s done and the pain he’s caused. I am not blind. Some forget that I too suffered because of him.

He called me names, often insinuated that my mother cheated on him and that I wasn’t his daughter – though he always refused every offer to get a paternity test done, threatened my life more than once, put me down, didn’t contact me when I was with my mom – not even on OUR birthday, and just made me feel outright unloved. He seemed to feel zero shame for what he was putting me or any of us through. I still find it hard to understand him sometimes.

Though he sort of explained his behavior towards me and apologized when I was 21, things have have never been easy between us. I did reach out to him a few years ago, because despite everything, he is my dad and I love him. But, I must admit, I find it hard to write to him because when he does write back now and then, his letters are filled with anger at the justice system, family not being there, and life in general. He has burned so many bridges and hurt so many people and sometimes I wonder where his sense of humility is. I feel torn between being there for him and just walking away sometimes. I love him, so much and I have had horrible nightmares about losing him, ones that leave me in tears. But then, the past comes back to me sometimes and I feel so hurt still. Again I ask, how do I let that go?

My mom and I are in a wonderful place these days and I thank God for that. Our story isn’t any easier, in fact I think it might be a bit more difficult. When I was little, she and I were close. But then, when I was about seven or eight, things began to feel strained. I remember how often she made me feel alone, whether she was home with me or left me with someone else so she could go out. The worst was when she was in the same room with me and yet I felt so alone, it was like she was gone anyway. We’d gotten to a point where we no longer connected.

And when I was 10, things really took a turn for the worse still. She met a man at the State Fair, where she’d decided to work for the summer, so she could make some extra money. I know we needed it, she was raising me alone. When she first introduced him to me, I wasn’t sure what to think and then, I thought perhaps he could be a good guy, after all my mom liked him. In very little time, she had him move in with us. Months later is when things went terribly wrong.

He began to molest me and I finally got the nerve to tell my mom, after some time. She told me she’d confront him. In the end, it didn’t do any good and he kept doing it. After awhile, I told her again and still no change. The last time I told her, I was 13. She told me that if he did it again, he’d be out. Yet things still didn’t change and I’d had it. So, I wrote about what I was going through. A friend I had made while riding the city bus to school had noticed me writing it and saw how upset I was. She asked me what was wrong, so I showed her my notebook. She told me I needed to get help, only I didn’t know where to start. So when I was at school, a classmate also noticed I was upset and asked me what was wrong. I was surprised, she was someone I didn’t talk to much and yet, I showed her what I’d written on my way to school. She told me we needed to go the school counselor, so I went with her. I showed him what I’d written and by the end of the day, I was taken from my home.

I stayed with a friend and her family for a couple of days and then I was put into foster care. My mom had been given a choice the night the cops got involved and she chose him. He was arrested, but after he was released until the trial, she let him live with her. I felt so betrayed and part of what still sticks with me is that her mom looked the other way too. She was sexually abused by my grandfather and my grandma didn’t do anything. She wasn’t there for my mom or my uncles when they needed her and now my mom was doing the same thing to me. My mom still hasn’t totally let her pain and anger go either and yet she was able to break my heart. It’s still a sore subject between us, what happened when I was a teenager. She didn’t know how to be there for me, I get that more now than I did back then. Mental health issues run in my family and I know how hard it can be some days to be a good parent and even tougher still when your child is going through it too. But, the pain I feel over what happened is still so real. And like my dad, I have nightmares about losing her and they hurt me every time. I cry at the thought of losing her. She means so much to me, more than I could ever say. I want to let it all go, all of it, but I don’t know how to fully do so. How do you it? Is it really possible for me to not feel the pain anymore?

And, another thing I wonder about sometimes is how can you be overall be so very happy with your life the way that it is and yet still miss parts of the past, especially parts it feels like I shouldn’t? How does one put the past where it truly belongs, in the past, and leave it there? I know we all remember things from our past from time to time, there’s nothing wrong with that, unless one is still trying to live in it. The good and the bad, it’s done and I don’t to dwell on it. The pain exes caused me and that I caused them, the good times I had with them, the friends I left behind and the ones who walked away from me, the mistakes I made with my son and now the fear I’ll let my baby down too, and so on. I want to live in the here and now while I am here to live it. Any advice? How have any of you let go and moved forward?

I feel so horrible sometimes that I still struggle with this, with the anger, the pain, and the inability to let it all go. I know I am only human and shouldn’t beat myself up, but sometimes it’s so hard. I love my family, all of them, and no matter what any of them has done or I have done, I just want us to be close. I want to remember daily that I am not the me I once was and that I am doing the best I can to not repeat those mistakes, especially the ones I made regarding my son. I want to show him constantly that I am here and my baby who will be born in April that I am going to be there from the beginning. I want my husband to know that I am trying the best I can to support him, be a good wife and partner, and that no matter what, we’re in this together. I want my friends to know that I am here and will do what I can to be a good friend and hope that they will do the same for me. Life is about today and making each one we’re given better than the last, about loving and being loved. I just struggle with dealing with things sometimes. I know we all do and I am not alone in this. Blame it on the hormones or just thoughts that have haunted me for years, but I needed to get this out. Any wisdom or thoughts are welcome and appreciated.

 

Our Lives As Stories

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Every life is full of ups and downs

Sad moments and cheerful ones

Each journey has many stories to tell

They can inspire and help others

Each path we take, every time we stumble and fall

Even the ones we may feel don’t matter

Or the ones that are too devastating to share

They help light the way for others who are in dark places

Tell your stories, let your voice be heard

Write them upon the hearts of others

Show those around you that they’re not alone

And that there’s always a way through

Let people laugh with you and cry with you too

As you share with others, let them also share with you

For they too have lessons learned and wisdom to offer

May our lives come together, touch one another

I pray that my story has been and will continue to help others

Show them that others suffer, but that there’s a way out

There’s a way to heal, to forgive, and move forward

And that there’s more to life than just pain and sorrow

May they also see that there’s so much laughter and joy to be had

That there’s so much to live for, no matter how tough times might get

And that there’s so much love to both be received and taken

Never lose sight of that, hold onto hope, faith, & love all the days of your life

May my story be etched upon your soul, may it live with you

And may yours stay stay with me as well, always teaching me

Let us remember that it’s not just about one person, it’s about all of us

Co-existing in this big crazy mixed up world

Though each light can shine on its own

And even the smallest voice can be heard

Never think you’re not enough to make a difference

It all begins with just a spark

I’m telling my story for all to see

Hoping it does make a difference

Even if it’s just in the lives of a few

So how about you?

Rest In Peace, Marie Irene

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The tears have yet to dry, the sadness is still fresh upon our hearts when the news hits us that yet another friend has passed away. This one hits a little closer to home. This was someone I had talked to a lot over the years. Our sons had even become friends. It feels like yesterday when she and James were at our place celebrating Zach’s 6th birthday. A few years later, we got news that his dad had died. Suicide. 😦 She found him. She had to explain to her son that his dad was gone. All the while, she’s been battling Cystic Fibrosis. This young woman has gone through an awful lot and though we would go months without talking, when we would catch up, it would feel as if no time had passed. My heart is broken once more as I find that now it is she that has left us. Only recently, someone else I knew had passed. I didn’t know him well, but others I know did and my heart grieved for their loss. But now, I suffer a loss of my own as this time it’s also a friend of mine and what’s worse is thinking of James, now 11, who has lost both of his parents in just a few years time. There have been a lot of deaths within the various groups of friends that I have, many I haven’t known or known that well, but their deaths impacted many I know and so I felt pain. It is so sad, watching so many die around you. I know that life still goes on and that we best honor their memories by continuing to enjoy our lives while we have them to live. But, right in the very face of grief, that’s not so easy to think about. I do ask for prayer, for those that Marie has left behind to mourn her, most especially her son. She was so young. I am glad that she no longer suffers, but I really do miss her. Rest In Peace, sweet Marie Irene.

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