4 out of 5 dentists recommend this WordPress.com site

Posts tagged ‘moving forward’

No one, Nothing, Everything

FB_IMG_1576597329324

No one, nothing
No one but me, nothing
Nothing but sounds
One ear rests upon my pillow
While the other searches
Searching for meaning
The clock ticks
Echoing in my head
Cars pass by every now and again
Sirens blaring
Proving one thing
Time doesn’t stop
Life continues on
No matter what is happening within
The world keeps on spinning
The weight of that hits
I feel dizzy
Though I’m laying down
I think I’ll just lay here awhile longer
As my thoughts consume me
I don’t hear the clock
So purposefully, my ear searches
Time can’t stop
Ah ha!
There it is once more
Tick tick tock
Goes the little clock
Visions of a white rabbit
Appear in my head
Come with me, he says
Down the hole
Let’s see where we’ll go
Spinning, spiraling down, down, down
Thump!
I expected to feel pain as I landed
I did not
Instead I felt comfort
I sat up and looked about
No tables with goodies
Nothing said eat or drink me
But everything did look strange
So strange indeed
The white rabbit was gone
I was alone
Or so I thought
Strawberry haired fairies fluttered by
Singing the sweetest tune
After a spell, I felt I could drift away
Then just as suddenly as it all began
It stopped
Looking around, I searched
With my one good eye
I saw swirls of color
As I lost focus
Everything became clearer
The sound of children laughing filled my ears
I saw no one
Still, the sound remained
I stood and walked about
Trying to find the children
The more I looked
The less I found what I was looking for
I stood motionless
Shutting my eyes, I retreated within
My ears listened
But more than that, so did my soul
With the essence of a child
And soul of an old warrior
I am
Birds chirped
Their war song was clear
Not a war among great lands
It’s a war within
Fight!!
This is your fight song
Cooed the blue jays
Rise up!!
All at once, everything changed
I found myself back on the couch
Just listening once again
To the clock and its ever present ticking
The cars still drove on by
The sirens were gone
Light crept in
The wind blows
As things stay the same
They change
I change
Today, I rise
You will not win
Not today
No, today is mine
Let’s go.

Wings

 

Lying in a pool of sweat and poor decisions

Feeling weak and afraid

With years of addiction weighted on her

She lifts her weary head, trying to find the light

 

A heart once made of gold

Had turned to stone over the years

As the granite begins to crack

Sorrow and anguish pour out in a steady stream

 

Crying silent tears, she whispers softly

“Please, help me.”

Pain turned her towards temptation

Temptation that promised to ease her suffering

 

That suffering did lessen for a time

She even found herself feeling happy

But that was only an illusion

Once it faded, the pain was even worse than before

 

It crippled her, a little at a time

She didn’t even notice until she was so far gone

Ashamed, she withdrew from the world

Until she was all alone, feeling helpless and powerless

 

As her longing for change grew, a spark ignited and grew within

The darkness that surrounded her didn’t seem as confining

Within it, she found some strength to stand

A light started to shine in from the East

 

She turned her gaze towards it and could feel its warmth

Slowly, she moved in its direction

Talking within her own mind along the way

Hoping and praying for a new beginning

 

“Please help me.”

She said again, but louder this time

A sense of peace began to fill her soul

The chains fell from her like heavy weights

 

Wings that had been pinned down for so long emerged

Bent and unsteady still from years of damage

They fluttered with uncertainty, rather irregularly for awhile

It was going to take time for healing, but the process had begun

 

As she opened up about her past

Letting down her guard and letting herself begin to trust

Making amends also to those she’d hurt along the way

Her wings gained strength and her aura glowed with such radiance

 

One day, as she sat on a lush green patch of grass

She saw a purple butterfly nearby

Silently, she watched it flutter to and fro

Admiring its beauty and confidence

 

It landed on her bare feet and seemed to look at her

Staying as still as possible, she basked in this great gift

A sense of calm filled her soul as it stood upon her foot

She tilted her head ever so slightly, her dark brown hair caressed her cheek

 

The clouds parted and the sun shone through

The butterfly flew away towards the East

Turning her head towards the path it took

She saw a little church across the way

 

She stood, as she felt this strong urge to draw nearer to it

Hesitantly, she made her way inside

At the back of the sanctuary, she sat quietly

Bowing her head, she spoke silently

 

“I’ve made a mess of things and I blamed others for so long…

Including You, feeling abandoned

Now I see You never left me

It was me who left You…”

 

Tears touched her olive cheeks

Letting them fall, she apologized and asked for guidance

Though she’d begun to heal and move forward

She still had a long way to go

 

After awhile, she stood up to go

Drying her face with her sleeve

She looked back briefly and smiled

I’ll be back, she thought with resolve

 

As the sun hit her face once more

Her wings expanded and this time fluttered with more certainty

Through Him, she found strength within

Strength that gave her the courage to move forward

 

Her story doesn’t end here

In fact, it’s just beginning

She’s found the path towards redemption, peace, and belonging

Proving that even in the darkest hour, it wasn’t too late

 

She knows she’ll fall along the way

But knows who is there to catch her when she does

As the sun begins to set, emitting gorgeous hues of purple, red, and orange

Her wings lift her up and she soars off into the sky, finally able to fly.

 

 

So much to say…

20191008_083420

I have a lot to say right now. I stared at this screen for a little bit, unsure of where to begin. I couldn’t think of a clever title for this, so it is what it is…

I meant to write more in 2019 than I did. There were several times where I thought to myself, I really should blog, it’s been awhile and then I got busy and forgot.

It’s now 2020… Alright, where is the Jetson life I thought we’d be living? Honestly, I’m okay without flying cars, robot maids, etc. I wouldn’t necessarily mind being able to push a button and have my food be ready. Though, with an instant pot, that’s pretty close. 🤣

2019 brought a lot of loss, heartache – both literally and figuratively, stress, and struggle. It did also bring some joy, laughter, fun times, and good memories made. Overall, in all honesty, I am happy 2019 is over. There are lessons and memories I’ll take from it though.

One of the biggest things that happened in 2019 was my son coming home to live with us full-time, for the first time in 14 years, I got primary placement back. At first, I was so happy. I had fought for this for so long. I remember the tears, the heartache, stress, sleepless nights, and fighting it took to get to this point and finally, it was over.

About a month or so in, the high wore off and our troubles began. In the 14 years that I had limited time with my son, a chip grew on his shoulder, one that has become a mountain.

He’s angry at the world. His dad didn’t listen, was there physically and yet not there for him a lot of the time, kept trying to turn him into something he’ll likely never be, pushed him away, and refused to give him the one thing he’d been asking for over 13 years – to live primarily with me.

I struggled with my mental health issues, still do sometimes, and I was sometimes mentally checked out. I was too soft on him, to try to balance out how strict his dad was being. I was trying to be what I thought he needed, but I think I missed the mark more than I ever meant to. I sometimes was too self involved. As he was growing, neither his dad or I were really what he needed, I just didn’t fully see that until recently.

He was picked on in school for being different. He eventually fought back and that led to trouble. Coupled with mental health issues that were starting to present themselves, feeling torn between Mom and Dad, and a host of things going on inside his head, he was going down a path that would lead him towards darkness, a darkness I’m afraid of.

Early on, he was acting out. He was crying out. His dad didn’t listen. I kept telling him bad things would happen if he kept ignoring our son’s cries for help and to be heard. The tall tales increased, stealing started, fighting in school/class began, and antagonistic behavior towards his step-mom grew to a frightening level.

Fast forward to 2018. He tried running away in January and then in May, he got to a point where he pulled a knife and held onto it, scaring his step-mom, who by this point now had two little kids of her own and was also babysitting for someone. After talking to them, they finally listened somewhat and took him to a behavioral health facility. He was there for roughly two weeks. They tweaked the meds he was on while there. At first, he refused to see or talk to his dad and step-mom. After I talked to him, he finally decided to open up and talk to them. He seemed to learn a lot in his time there.

After a month or two, things went back to normal and in time, got worse on all fronts. He was actively stealing often, in more trouble at school, was alienating the few friends he had, and things at his dad’s were getting dangerous, to all involved. In that time, I began the court process, once again, (As I had gone through it in 2007-2009) to bring my son home.

In November of 2018, the court said they would leave it as is until the summer. I would then get primary placement for a trial run and if all went well, it could stay that way. Things seemed to be looking up.

On February 7th, 2019, things reached their breaking point for my son, his step-mom, and his dad. Cops were involved on both sides. He was taken to shelter care. We picked him up and he’s been here since.

Like stated earlier, things were fine for a month or so. I was taking him to school over an hour away until the court made the change a little more official, about a month later. He started going to school here then. Within two weeks, he was already getting into trouble here.

After all the fighting we did to make this happen and him swearing to me he’d start making better choices and that this change would help him grow and mature, it hurt my soul to see he was continuing this self destructive behavior. He was still lying, stealing, fighting, etc. He was also beginning to cause problems with his little sister, problems that go beyond simple sibling rivalry. His outbursts became violent. He would break things when he didn’t get his way/was angry. Now, I knew this wouldn’t be a quick fix, but he wasn’t working at changing and it was hard to watch and deal with. Therapy started and meds were tweaked and at first, there seemed to be an improvement.

After getting through Summer school, he was enrolled in an online school. As public school hadn’t ever worked well for him, it was time to try something different. Again, he swore things would be better without all of the distractions.

At first, things were fine. And then… He started to slack off, bailing on classes and only putting so much effort into his school work. His issues with sister were increasing. He got in trouble for stealing, again. Things were reaching a boiling point.

Meds were tweaked again and again, things were a little better and then they weren’t. The stress levels were high on all sides. My husband loves my son, but then there’s our daughter to consider and he made it known that for him, she comes first. Feeling torn between my children, I was unsure what to do. I knew things couldn’t continue as they were though.

After all of court stuff for what he’d been doing, he was placed on supervision. Those every other week meetings generally went alright. But, this last meeting didn’t go well. It led to him storming off. He didn’t like the rules and said he couldn’t live here. Once shelter care was explained to him, he said that wouldn’t work either. He got dramatic and said he could either live on the streets or kill himself. We explained those weren’t viable options. We kept trying to explain why it’s important he take his school work seriously and that what’s being asked of him isn’t any more than what many parents expect. He didn’t care about any of that and left the room, stomping up the stairs to his room.

That left my hubby, who got home from work, the social worker, and myself to talk. She said she’d give us the night to think about things and would see what we wanted to do in the morning. I talked to his dad and to my husband. In the end, it was decided to have him taken to shelter care. The cruelty to his sister, disrespectful behavior towards my hubby and I, trashing things and taking off, the lies, the taking things from us, the bailing on school stuff, etc needed to be stopped and we felt helpless to help him. Everything we’d tried wasn’t working.

He left peacefully yesterday, but wasn’t happy. He fought with me on the phone, clearly not ready to change. He kept trying to bait me, as is his way, and eventually I hung up. They did get him to do school work, saw that by the emails I got from the school when things got turned in. I don’t know where his mind is at today, but he’s got court in a few hours. I just want things to get better for my son, for our family.

My almost four year old shouldn’t be afraid of my 17 year old. My brilliant 17 year old shouldn’t be failing in school. Our family shouldn’t be feeling such constant tension. We should be able to spend time together as a family. We shouldn’t have to lock our bedroom door. We should be able to trust him with our daughter. We should be able to trust him in general. This whole situation sucks.

I pray to God for healing, light on the path we should each take as individuals and as a family, peace, love to help us grow closer again, for the pain to stop…. My soul aches and I just want the ache to end. I pray that this is the beginning to better days.

This isn’t the only thing going on, but it is definitely one of the biggest. One thing at a time, right? Then maybe we can focus on our marriage, finances, health, time with friends, etc more? I’m trying to be many things to many people. Sometimes I forget to be what I need for myself. I’m working on it. I’ll always be working on it, as I’m sure everyone will be. Our evolution only stops, or should stop anyway, when we die. While we’re here, we’re growing as people.

I hope that I can become a better me all the time, ever learning and changing. I want to be a better mom, wife, daughter, friend, business owner, photographer, writer, singer, cook, camper, nature lover, inhabitant of this world, Christian, and overall person.

I want to be someone people love, respect, look up to and admire, get inspired by, and that will be remembered as someone who gave, loved, and lived her life the best she could. I want that dash in between my birthday and the day I die to represent a life well lived.

I have hurt and been hurt. My parents hurt me. My mom was hurt by her parents. My grandparents had their own tales, some good and some not so good. I wanted to give better to my kids. Have I?

At 17, my grandma was pregnant and eloped to another state to get married. She’d already given up a child for adoption. She was in love with a man who wasn’t so nice a lot of the time. She gave birth to my uncle. They worked to later raise three kids. She did the best she could, but her best wasn’t enough to protect my mom from her own dad or provide what her kids really needed.

At 17, my mom was ready to bail and did at 18, married an abusive jerk. She left. She had me at 20. She did her best. Her best led me to foster care when I was abused by her boyfriend. That led to years of pain for us both. If I’m being honest, I think that pain is with us yet. She made a certain amount of peace with her mom, but I don’t think she ever fully let go. I haven’t fully let go yet and I’m still trying.

At 17, I was bounced between my mom, old foster mom, grandma, mom, and grandma again. I was so angry, hurt, depressed, and scared. I was diagnosed with bipolar at 19/20. I had my son at 23. I was an absolute wreck. I think over time, I’ve grown. I’m still a mess sometimes, but I think I’m in a much better place than I have been before.

At 17, my son is at shelter care because of his anger issues, refusal to do what’s expected of him, his harming his sister, and his need to control everything. He’s angry, scared, depressed. He’s struggling. He may want to be a she. He isn’t sure what he wants. He is trying to find his way.

On one hand, I believe I’m doing the right thing… He needs help, help we couldn’t alone give him. This could be a good thing for him, probably not right away, but eventually.

On the other hand, I still feel so awful that it ever got to this point. Sending my son away is killing a piece of my soul. I’m trying to keep the first point in mind so I don’t lose my mind completely.

Thank you to anyone who’s made it thus far, for reading what I’ve had to say. I hope that it’s perhaps touched something in you. If you’re going through any of this, know you’re not alone. Somehow, I’m making it. I am holding onto my faith, that things will work out. Please, I pray you’ll hold on too. And now I take another step forward….

Maybe

CollageMaker_20190317_130700126.jpg

When the life of someone you love slips away, your first reaction may be to shut down. Maybe you cry your eyes out. Maybe you feel hopeless and helpless. Maybe you hold your child extra tight. Maybe you say extra prayers. Maybe you wonder why. Maybe you try to be grateful for a life that is still yours. Maybe the emotional part of your brain aches in ways you can’t explain. Maybe you wish things were different. Maybe you feel guilty for still being here. Maybe a part of you is thankful for all you have. Maybe you are confused. Maybe you are torn. Maybe you are just trying to find a way to push forward. There is just so much loss, heartache, and pain. But, we have to keep going while it’s our time to be and maybe we need to find ways to help others do the same. Maybe. Maybe.

Rest in peace, my dear friend, Latasha Greer. You will live on through your girls, your husband, and all else who love you. You changed our lives and touched our hearts. For that, you’ll never be forgotten.

Day 21 and Beyond

 

FB_IMG_1543882138265How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

The world may never know…

 

Day zero: Insanity ensued.

Day one: Okay, let’s just take a moment to breathe.

Day two: Trying to process what has happened.

Day three: Uncertainty looms

Day four: A likely outcome awaits, but can’t quite reach it.

Day five: Snowed in. No answers yet.

Day six: Long drives, little sleep, what gives…

Day seven: A week now it’s been, any answers would be nice…

Day eight: Pay the piper day for a young man.

Day nine: Plans cancelled, day feels like a loss, but makes the best of it.

Day ten: Crickets chirp.

Day eleven: Honoring a great man that fought to break race barriers and end race wars.

Day twelve: Keep on driving….

Day thirteen: Work hard, get things done.

Day fourteen: We just want to know how to proceed. Driving gets tiresome.

Day fifteen: Still driving.

Day sixteen: Family day.

Day seventeen: Winter, feel free to go home…

Day eighteen: Day off, yet not quite.

Day nineteen: Answers at long last!!!!

Day twenty: Today, we work on moving forward.

Day twenty-one and beyond: We shall see where our paths take us…..

 

The world may not know exactly what our days ahead look like, I sure don’t. What I do know though is that they will be days filled with love. We’ll face hard times and struggle, I’m sure of that too. We will laugh and have great days. Life is full of ups and downs. Through them all, we’ll face them as a family. I’m looking forward to day 21 and beyond.

 

***picture taken at a wedding I shot in Manitowoc on September 29th, 2018***

When the Past Hurts Say Hello…

sunrise

Sometimes the past stays away for a long time and then unexpectedly knocks on the door, says hello, brings in their baggage, and wants to stay.

You hear a song, see something on TV, look at old pictures, find old things, have a conversation, read something, or have a dream that brings the memories of old to the surface. Though you’re living in the now, the past sometimes tugs at your sleeve, begging for your attention. Psst, don’t forget about me….

Sometimes our memories are pleasant, making us smile and laugh. Inside jokes, family gatherings, vacations, fun times with friends, your kid’s art projects and memorabilia collected throughout the years, something or someone that helped you grow and change for the better, firsts, buying your home, anniversaries of jobs, marriages, friendships, and so much more. While we should live for today, it’s okay to remember yesterday. It helped us become who we are today.

But sometimes, the memories and feelings they stir up are anything but pleasant. I had a moment like that this morning. Someone is celebrating their birthday tomorrow and dreads it each year, because they keep hoping their dad will acknowledge them and then is disappointed every time. I know this feeling. I share a birthday with my dad and he’s not once called, sent a letter, come to visit, asked me to visit, or done anything to wish me happy birthday. I’ve done so for him and every effort is ignored.

It’s hard to ignore the past when it’s part of your present. There’s still a part of me that longs for my dad’s love, effort to have a real relationship, and healing for all the pain over the years. Despite all he’s done, he’s my dad and I do love him. I think a part of him loves me, but sometimes I’m not really so sure.

I needed to lift myself out of the depression I felt trying to swallow me whole, but wasn’t sure how. I felt the tears coming and kept trying to stop them. I turn 40 this year and I still feel like a little girl begging my daddy to love me. How do I not dwell on this???

Some advice I gave this young person was though it’s easier said than done is to try to focus more on those who are there for them and less on those that aren’t. Advice can and is usually easier to give than take, but I knew I needed to try. I had just posted recently about moving forward, not staying in the past. I knew I owed it to myself and anyone I’ve given this advice to, to take it to heart myself.

A part of me does long for my dad’s love and attention, but if I dwell on that or anything else that I can’t control, I’ll be an emotional mess every day. I can’t control others or many situations, only myself and how I react to what happens. I may not have the affection I seek from him or many others, but I do get it from so many more. They show me love and it’s that love I should focus on, treasure, and give to them in return.

So, past and even present pain, I say this to you, you’re not welcome today. I will take your baggage for you, place it and you in an Uber, and send you on your way. You will not destroy me with your negativity, not today, no not today. I hope this helps even one of you who may be struggling this way yourself. May you know you are loved and use that as a light to get through to a good place. When the past hurts say hello, let us tell them goodbye.

To Move Forward, We Must Stop Living in the Past…

moving_on

There’s a difference between letting the past guide us and living in it. Letting yesterday remind us of where we came from and showing us what to do and often times, not to do can be a good thing. But sometimes, we let the past consume us and forget to live for today and the days yet to come.

To see our potential, grow, and learn, we must move forward. It’s time to quit looking in the rearview mirror or else we might not see where we’re headed and crash. It can be easy to get lost in nostalgia or let the fear that the past stuck with us take over our minds, but it’s important not to forget the world keeps turning no matter what we do. We want to go along for the ride, don’t we? 😉

The Perceptions Square

In the material and spiritual realm

Upashna

In happiness my words I lack, in grief they overflow.

Discount Coupons Now

Save Money With Printable Coupons and Deals

Author Joanne Reed

This is Your Quest - Your Mission to Find Happiness

MANAGING YOURSELF

"Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it." ~ Kahil Gibran.

Inner Peace

True wealth is the wealth of the soul

Improve Life

We are ready to solve your problems. [free]

the !n(tro)verted yogi

a topsy-turvy life of quietude

Jalvis Quotes

Poems, Literature, Articles, Musings & Quotes Collection - By Vishal Dutia

Life & Style

Stories, ideas, reviews

life at the moment

Random self talk

Lifenvi

Live life in a livable environment.

Space Time Bae

Somewhere in the cosmos

WORLD OF WORDS

An Amateur Poet's World

Poetry collection

Work by Rain Alchemist

Rain Coast Review

Thoughts on life... by Donald B. Wilson

Perception

Until I know this sure uncertainty, I'll entertain the offered fallacy.

a Canadian In Brazil

Travel Tips for Canadians interested in Brazil

Breathing Words

Where Words Breathe

The Fragrance Writer

An Original Blend of Fragrance and Poetry

Nature Poetry by Jamie Whorton

Nature poetry, photography, and other poetry

Freedomistheluxuryiseek

I Write to express my inner world💎☯️

Amazing Story Amazing Life

This site is about my view of life, my journey and experiences.

tinytotspoetry

Aspiring to be the best at writing. Poetry lover, haiku and free verse to be precise, I hope to one day master

Poetry Prayer Peace

Even half-moons smile. There is beauty and joy, even in brokenness.

WordPress Tutorials

WordPress Tutorials

✞♫♪ untamedpraise ♪♫ ✞

Psalm 139: 23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!

The Self-Talk Show

Your most important show!

Motivational Coping & Healing

Rising Above the Hardships

Organic Tree Nutrition

You are what you absorb

In Dianes Kitchen

Recipes showing step by step directions with pictures and gadget reviews

Emma Ortega Negrete

YOUR EMPOWERMENT COACH TRANSFORMING YOU TO YOUR AUTHENTIC HIGHEST SELF!

FARAH PINKLADY

Beauty & Lifestyle Blogger

%d bloggers like this: