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Posts tagged ‘moods’

Ramblings of a Bi-polar Nature

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Riding high on a wave of intense mania

Energetic and ready to take on the world

That is until some little thing gets on my nerves

Now it feels like everything is going wrong

And I’m dwelling on every bad thing that’s ever happened

Don’t look at me wrong, I’ll likely snap at you

Though after I’m done ruining everyone’s day

I will feel horribly guilty and tear myself down

Feeling like the worst thing to ever happen to those I love

I’ve fallen into a pool of regret, guilt, and shame

Not seeing a way out of the sadness I’ve slipped into

Wishing for a life preserver so I can pull myself out

Up and down so often I feel dizzy and unsure of where I am

Why does it have to be like this?

I try writing, talking, praying, singing, walking, and more

Sometimes these things help tremendously

And I am so grateful for the support system in my life

Sometimes though, nothing seems to work

And I don’t see a way out or feel the love that’s there

I feel like a yo-yo and I just want to cut the strings

This journey has been rough and is likely to always be

But I know I am not on this path alone

What I go through touches more lives than just my own

My mood swings hurt more than just me

Over the years, I have driven many away

It’s hurt when relationships end and I feel like I have failed

Yet once again, people feel like they can’t deal with it anymore

I do have to say though, that in the most recent years

It’s gotten easier to deal with and as that’s happened

And the bonds formed have lasted, not so easy to break

I will say this now, hoping all will understand

Each of you that stands by me helps more than you know

You make it easier to get through each difficult day

You remind me that each phase will pass

You make me smile, see the beauty within

Your love, loyalty, and devotion is my greatest weapon

When great anger or sadness threaten to take me down

Your support wields within my hands

And like a blaze of fire, conquers it, even if only for a little while

Every day is a struggle, but you make it easier to fight

I lose some individual battles, but the war is far from over

Each victory over my inner demons is celebrated

Bi-polar threatens my happiness and my sanity

But I will not let it win, for I have too many reasons to keep going

Many of them are those of you that are by my side

Thank you for reading this lengthy post

Sort of poetry, sort of prose, more like a solo therapy session

Go from this knowing how very loved you are

And how grateful I am to have each of you by my side.

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Within My Mind

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Within my mind, there are many moods, thoughts, feelings, fears, and dreams. It reminds me a bit of the movie, What Dreams May Come starring Robin Williams. Sometimes it’s so beautiful and one can’t help but be entranced with what they find. Melodies and harmonies that pair together like no other and vibrant colors that can light up the night’s sky, truly I could paint you a world that you’d never want to leave. And then there are times when I would barricade you from the entrance.

My mind can be a dark and scary, full of nightmares…combine every horror movie I have ever seen, every dark thought and fear, and you still haven’t a clue how bad of a place it can be. Sometimes it’s an angry place, though sometimes it’s just so full of despair. Don’t wade in the waters too deep. They may seem serene, but notice the chill in the air and the dark clouds that surround you? Don’t be pulled down, the voices inside me warn you. The ever changing winds can carry you from blissfully happy to sickeningly depressed to unhinged anger and then back to that peaceful place so fast you have no idea what just happened.

Overall, these days my life is fairly good and I do count myself as truly blessed. This doesn’t take away the demons that battle within me, but it does make it easier to fight them off. When it gets truly horrific, I go to God in prayer and He does help me. They’re never gone for good, but they can be kept at bay. Living with bi-polar and schizophrenia has not been easy, but with every passing day, it gets easier to deal with.

Over the years, I have been able to replace medication with music: both listening to it and singing it, writing, reading, taking walks, having long talks with those most trusted, prayer, and also a confidence within myself that tells me my illnesses do not own me. I will fight it for as long as I live and I must say this, I really have come a long way from where I was. I remember a day when most of my statuses were depressing. I really couldn’t see just how beautiful my life could be. I wanted a good life, but truth be told, I held it at arms length because I was scared of getting close to anything good. I am not scared anymore. Life isn’t always wonderful, but the journey is amazing.

Thanks to all who stick by me, who ignore the caution tape, and proceed full steam ahead…standing by me, weathering every storm, not just there when all is calm and peaceful. Seriously, thank you. Your friendship, loyalty, and love have been the sails I have needed many times when I wondered how I’d get through. And the most thanks goes to first, my Lord, my Savior for always being there, for always seeing me through, and for giving me such amazing blessings like family and friends like you that read these things. 😉 Also, thanks to my love…he knows that battles within me, and all he does is hold on tight when he needs to….promising to stand by me and his promises have always held true. Thanks to my closest of friends and relatives, both those who struggle the same way that I do, giving me people who can relate and truly help in ways I can’t explain….and those who don’t understand, but it doesn’t matter to them….you love me, you see the good in me, you pray for me, you help me through. For all each of you do, know this…I am thankful and I love you. ❤

Unapologetically Me

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Throughout my nearly 35 years, I have been criticized, much of that came from me. When people put me down, I took that a step further. I have been known to be my worst enemy. (Though I think that is true for many.) People tell me to accept them as they are, but some try to change me. For so long, I have bent over backwards trying to please people. I have now realized I am tired of being so many things to so many people and not what I ought to be to myself. The truth is, even I have been guilty of trying to mold someone, even slightly to meet my needs and I know it’s been wrong of me. I think we’re all guilty of that, even when we say we accept those we love as they are, we often don’t…not fully.

Well I am going to work harder at truly accepting others as they are and this extends to myself as well. I am done trying to please everyone. People have tried to emotionally toughen me up over the years, constantly telling me I am too sensitive, emotionally needy, and that I need to grow a thicker skin. I often felt like I was viewed as too weak and those views became my own. I am henceforth done apologizing for “crying over spilled milk”, getting offended when people say or do something that hurt my feelings, being too mushy, and for being too emotionally needy. I am flawed in the eyes of many, even my own, but I know that I am a good person at heart. I may talk too much at times, have annoying habits, be more stubborn than a toddler who refuses to give up their favorite toy or take a nap, and so on. I can admit I am so far from perfect, but I have to say if you want me to accept you as you are, then I ask you do the same for me. Let us compromise, not who we are, but in how we treat one another and not because we have to, but because we want to.

When manic, sometimes I fly off the handle and later, feel bad about it. When I am truly wrong for how I have treated someone, I will go to them and apologize. I won’t apologize for who I am, but I will apologize when I am in the wrong. Sometimes I can be crass and insensitive, even though my very nature generally is quite sensitive. I suppose that’s a part of living with bi-polar disorder. My moods fluctuate on a whim and I can be quite unpredictable. Which me will you get this afternoon? Will she differ from the woman you saw this morning? I used to take medication to try to “fix” myself and have sought out therapy as well. The medications usually turned me into merely a reflection of who I am and/or they made me physically ill. Therapy did help, probably helped more than any other “treatment”. However, lack of insurance and/or money usually interrupted things. Over time, when I went without, I began to find other ways to deal with my Schizophrenia, A.D.H.D, O.C.D, and Bi-polar disorder. I found ways to not let it hinder me, but instead, it’s often nurtured my creativity. Yes, sometimes I lose control of myself, but usually I do just fine. I am done seeing myself as broken or needing to be fixed. It’s all a part of who I am. Some people truly need medication just to function, to be able to do their day to day tasks. I am not trying to say there isn’t a place for that, but I have been able to get to a point I can live a fairly normal life without any of it. I am proud of how far I have come. I am not who I want to be, but nor am I who I once was and I am happy about that.

I am usually known to be compassionate, giving, tender, the one to go to when you’re upset and need a friend, the one who will understand, the one who won’t judge, and the one who always has a smile ready. My disorders do not define me, my very core goes way deeper than any of that. Those who have taken the time to truly get to know me see I am more than any of that and that I am more than who I was. They see the potential of who I could become, but also love for who I am right now. We have our moments when we clash and yeah, wish one could be more or less one way or another. Like I said before, I really want to work on that. I love my friends and family for who they are. We all change a lot over the course of our lifetime and sometimes it’s because of how those around us have influenced us. I think in the end though, our changes should never simply be to please others. Our changes should happen not because we feel we have to do so, but because we want to. No matter where you are in the course of your growth, you should be unapologetically you and I will be unapologetically me.

Dark Side

The sun is shining

The air is just right

Smells of summer still linger

I try with all I have to enjoy it

But inside, the darkness grows

Sometimes I’m so optimistic

The hope I feel is so strong

It fills me up

Sends me soaring

Truly feeling like I could fly

There are times when I’m just here

Not feeling much of anything

It’s sort of discomforting

But right now

I’d take that over this

When the depression takes hold

And the storms rage inside my head

It feels like an endless battle

The waters seek to take me down

To drown any hope from my soul

I always have some fight in me

Or I wouldn’t yet be here

But that doesn’t change the pain

Doesn’t ease it

Doesn’t take it away

I’m always at constant war within myself

Fighting demons inside my mind

The darkness trying to take me

Trying to snuff out the light

Clawing at the goodness in my heart

I will always fight it

But people need to understand

Or at least try to

There will be many times

When the darkness is inescapable

God is my light

The rock on which I stand

That keeps me going

But sometimes I slip

And I become blind

My moods shift like the tides

Sometimes I ride high for awhile

Flying about on the winds of hope and love

But then the dark waters take me down

Anger festers, sadness grows

Though from these ever changing winds

Brings about creativity

Flowing from my emotions

Are the very words my mouth can not speak

Painting you a portrait so vivid, so real

I do not wish to change who I am

Just perhaps strengthen my faith

So that when the storms hit

They’re easier to overcome

That is a daily battle

Don’t try to change me

Love me as I am

Accept the changing tides

Embrace me when I fall

And fly with me when I’m above it all

Can you do that?

Be there when I’m lying upon the rock

Being pulled in by the hands of darkness

Grab my hands

Let the rain from my eyes soak your shirt

Will you brave the wars of fire

Know how to handle the rage

Or will you run

I’m hoping you’ll stay

But I won’t force you

Today is a dark day

At the surface

Sadness seeks to pull me in

Will you be there?

Or will you run?

And when tomorrow comes

Where will you be?

I’m not easy to handle

Though I feel as if I’m worth it

Worth the effort to stick around

Everyone has a dark side

It just manifests itself differently

Within each soul

I can love yours

Can you love mine?

(inspired by Kelly Clarkson’s song: Dark Side)

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