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Posts tagged ‘memories’

Maybe

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When the life of someone you love slips away, your first reaction may be to shut down. Maybe you cry your eyes out. Maybe you feel hopeless and helpless. Maybe you hold your child extra tight. Maybe you say extra prayers. Maybe you wonder why. Maybe you try to be grateful for a life that is still yours. Maybe the emotional part of your brain aches in ways you can’t explain. Maybe you wish things were different. Maybe you feel guilty for still being here. Maybe a part of you is thankful for all you have. Maybe you are confused. Maybe you are torn. Maybe you are just trying to find a way to push forward. There is just so much loss, heartache, and pain. But, we have to keep going while it’s our time to be and maybe we need to find ways to help others do the same. Maybe. Maybe.

Rest in peace, my dear friend, Latasha Greer. You will live on through your girls, your husband, and all else who love you. You changed our lives and touched our hearts. For that, you’ll never be forgotten.

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Sharing a Nectarine

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Two girls sharing a nectarine
One so very young
The other not so much
Singing songs of the summer
Dreaming of picnics and swings

As the snow falls outside so steadily
The girls play the day away inside
Singing EIO, EIO and giggling
Making noises and nonsense
Just two girls so silly and as close as can be

A color collage adorns notebooks and walls
The so very young girl proud of her art
The not so young girl sighs and then smiles
“What a beautiful rainbow you’ve made, love.”
These days will fly by with the winter moon

The seasons will come and go, as they’ve always done
The very little girl will become not so little
And the not so young girl will grow older still
We may as well make the most of the colorful days
Let us sing songs about little spiders and twinkling stars today

Tomorrow, maybe the very little girl will have new dreams
While these days aren’t always so easy
With the tantrums and hearing her yell no
There’s also so much joy in chocolate covered kisses
And in the bedtime stories and goodnight hugs

Two girls sharing a nectarine
One so very young
The other one not so much
Singing songs of the summer
Still dreaming of picnics and swings

***photo taken by Briggett Wills of Life Photography in June of 2018***

 

Raw Truth

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A soul that simply wants love and peace struggles with so much sorrow, stress, and heartache thrown her way. She knows that life is never perfect, but sometimes wonders why it has to be this hard.

She smiles and laughs a lot. She knows there’s still so much to be grateful for. But in all honesty, sometimes those smiles and laughs aren’t fully genuine. Sometimes she just wants to keep people from worrying about her or seeing how bad things can be for her or her family.

Sometimes she is the epitome of selflessness, giving of her talents, things that she owns, or her time, whether she’s really in a position to do so or not. There are times where she’s instead this being of such selfishness, where she can’t see beyond her own pain, needs, or desires. There are times when she makes it all about her.

Right now, she’s not okay at all and if being completely honest, she hasn’t been for awhile. She’s feeling so overwhelmed. She lets a fraction of that show for some to see sometimes, but often keeps much of it to herself. She thinks many just don’t want to deal with her pain, insecurities, doubts, and mental health issues.

She feels things intensely, all things. If she’s scared, sad, angry, worried, jealous, anxious, or even happy, she REALLY feels it and not just her own feelings, but those around her too. If someone she knows is hurting or even really happy, she feels it like she’s going through whatever it is the other is dealing with. Only those like her begin to understand what that’s like, that it feels like a blessing many times, but can feel like a burden too, most especially when they’re struggling themselves. It’s not something they can just shut off either, this is why sometimes she distances herself from others, not because she doesn’t care, but because she feels too much all at once.

She loves God and believes in the power of love, mercy, and forgiveness. Yet sometimes she struggles in her own sin and finds it hard to fully let go and move on. Some wounds haven’t fully healed, though it’s been decades. She has prayed with such genuine desire to be free of the pain and lingering anger that lives buried within and somehow she still can’t fully let go. She’s let go enough to stop the daily nightmares and to allow some to be in her life, to feel a powerful love for them and an honest desire to see them happy, but the pain is still there.

She knows she can be her own worst enemy and harshest critic. Sometimes she is so cruel to herself. Sometimes she makes herself cry from the way she speaks in her own head. Sometimes she doubts the kind things people say. She grew up feeling alone, unwanted, ugly, and not worthy of being truly loved. It’s hard to overcome years of feeling this way, years of being told she’s nothing, and years of being ignored. She’s trying, every day, so very hard, she’s trying. God loves her and He also sent many into her life that love her too. Part of her knows she’s loved beyond measure and that there’s so much good beyond the flaws. Part of her still struggles with doubts sometimes and then she feels guilty for feeling that way…

When some people only contact her because they want something, she feels unappreciated and used, worst of all is when it’s family that make her feel so awful. How can she cut ties with people whom she loves and yet feels may not truly love her in return?

She’s moody, a pain to know and love sometimes, talks an awful lot, is what some consider to be too sensitive, and a bit neurotic at times. In all honesty, she’s not always easy to get along with. Yet, she’s also very kind, generous to a fault much of the time, funny, great to talk to, and loving. She may not always be easy to stay connected to or be friends with, but feels maybe she’s worth it if you stick around.

Pet peeves are a long list with this one, but she has gotten better with keeping some of those feelings to herself. She’s, perhaps irrationally, irritated by loud eaters, IM speech and most especially when people use zero punctuation marks to separate thoughts, rude drivers, disorganization, improper use of words like they’re, their, and there, using words that aren’t words like irregardless, people messaging her about business opportunities she has zero interest in, mass messages and texts, chain messages, when people put empty containers away instead of disposing of them, cleaning up after grown ups, finding toilet paper rolls that are put on, what she feels, is the wrong way, and the list goes on….

She wants to be seen and heard…..

She wants to be enough, for her husband, her children, others in her family, her friends, her clients, and so much so, for her God. She wants to be enough for herself too….

If she feels a certain way about something or someone, do not try to change her mind. She will respect your feelings and beliefs, but she would appreciate it if others do the same for her.

She has so many unfinished projects out there. She wants to get better at starting a book or gift for someone and actually finishing them.

Though she’s happy with the life God has given her, sometimes she wonders what it might be like if she had made some better choices. Then she feels guilty for feeling that way. Clearly, life has turned out the way it has for a reason and to get here, the things that happened needed to happen. Yet, sometimes that’s hard to accept.

She really dislikes extreme heat or cold. Though things like humidity and horrible wind chill bother her and she will complain about them, she can’t see herself living anywhere than her home state, at least for quite a long while. When people tell her to move if she hates the weather, she is annoyed because it isn’t really that simple. Her whole life has been rooted to one state. In her mind, one doesn’t simply uproot everything because the weather sometimes sucks. Family, friendship, and love are pretty good reasons to stay. Yes, she may whine about weather now and then, but in reality, she’s home right where she’s at and doesn’t want to leave anytime soon.

She is, as I’m sure anyone reading this can guess, me. I could say a lot more. I could open up the floodgates. If I do, if I go into more detail, say more of what haunts me, what makes me who I am, who I was, and who I want to be, I hope you’ll not think less of me for doing so.

I feel I’m complex and yet not so difficult to know. If you really want to know me though, be warned, as mentioned before, I’m a handful. I think, perhaps, that you may find the journey worth it though.

My PTSD stems from being emotionally neglected by my mom, sexually and physically abused by one of her boyfriends, being either neglected or treated like garbage by my dad, the things that happened in my foster homes, and being raped by someone I thought cared for me.

Some days, I feel okay. Some days, I think I’m mostly over what’s happened. I’ve mostly forgiven my mom. I love her more than I can say. Having her in my life means more than I can say. Her happiness is important to me. She is a gift from God. Some days though, something triggers painful memories and then I feel so angry that she wasn’t there for me when I needed her most, that she didn’t defend me, and that she left me to deal with what her, now, ex had done to me all on my own. She’s never really talked through this with me and she likely never will. I’m trying to accept that and most days, I’m okay with it. Some days are hard though, really hard.

My dad was so mean, outright mean, for so long. We have also made peace. He did apologize for hurting me and that means a lot to me. He knows he put me through so much and that I didn’t deserve it. Funny though, we don’t talk much. He’s locked up, so that’s part of it. Another part of it is that we just don’t have much to say to one another. We’re so different, in many ways. We have the same birthday and I can count, on one hand, how many times he’s wished me happy birthday. He’s not a sappy, saying I love you type and I very much am. It does hurt that we’ve never been close, even though I know a large part of that is because that’s just who he is. I long for a closeness, with him, and others I just don’t have. Sometimes I feel like I was born into the wrong family.

I know I burned bridges when I was young. I lied, stole, and caused so much mistrust when I was much younger. Some excuse it because of all I went through. Some never got over it, it seems. Some have gotten past it and know I’m not that person anymore. I do feel guilty sometimes still. I was hurt a lot, but I wasn’t innocent, free of hurting others either. I don’t feel that I deserved what happened to me anymore, but I also believe those I hurt didn’t deserve it either. I’m just glad that me died years ago and am grateful for those who either stuck by me or who let me back in when they saw that I’m different. (That’s why I often give many chances when I’m hurt, because others did that for me. I’m still learning when enough is enough though.)

I’m not okay and I’m not okay because of stuff going on with my son, things he’s dealing with at his dad’s, fighting to bring him home, money stuff, having several loved ones die in a few week’s time, a car accident, and trying to deal with it all at once. It feels like too much many days. I do keep pushing forward, one foot at a time, but some days it feels like I’m not going anywhere. Some days, I feel so lost and sometimes I’m so sick of acting like I’m happy when I’m not….

I look at my children and want more for them. I’m trying to be the good that I learned from my parents and not the bad. I know I have and will likely mess up again, but I’m going to keep trying, every day. I believe my kids know how much I love them and that they know I’ll always fight to give them a good life. Some days, I fear I’ll fail, but the fear never causes me to give up. I fall sometimes, but I always get back up and keep trying. I am that way with my hubby, my friends, family, and clients too. The day I stop trying is the day God decides I’m done.

Speaking of being done, I think this post is just about finished. I’ve not said it all, but then I don’t think I’ll be truly done for years to come. For now, I think this is enough. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I needed to free these thoughts, some of which I’ve written about before and I’m sure to again, and others maybe you’ve never seen before. All of which though, well, they were taking up needed space that I’d like to free up for other thoughts right now.

I’ve got clients to concentrate on, so that I can take the best photos I possibly can for them. I’ve got kiddos that need me to be alright. I’ve got a hubby that deserves a happier and healthier me more often. I’ve got a God and community to serve, to give my best to. So, with that, I’ll say au revoir, for now. Thanks, again, for spending this time with me. Until next time, much love and may you find a reason to smile as often as possible.

 

*photo taken by me at Regner Park, a couple of years ago.*

School Is In Session!

I can hardly believe my first born is a high school freshman. How did time fly by so quickly? I remember when he was a little boy, holding my hand to cross the street. Part of me is so excited for him to grow up, to see what his future holds. Will he go to college? What career will he pursue? Will he get married? Will he have kids? Will he travel the world? Will he be happy? I want only the best for my young man.

Part of me is really sad watching him grow up so fast. There are times I wish that he needed me for everything. Sometimes I miss singing him to sleep, teaching him how to read, playing with his Matchbox cars and racing them throughout the house, having our Disney Channel marathon New Years Eve celebrations, and just knowing I still had so many years left to enjoy his childhood. Watching your child grow up is a bittersweet feeling.

 

My daughter is almost a year and a half, but I know I will blink my eyes and she will be in high school. I am trying to enjoy every phase of hers, remembering just how quickly flies by. From the teething to the tantrums, it’s all worth it. Every smile she gives me, each hug, every cuddle, and each moment we spend together is precious. I am enjoying the firsts. I missed many of those with my son, so I am trying to make the most of it this time around.

Both of my children are precious, not ready to let them go. Luckily, I don’t have to just yet. From soccer games to seemingly endless renditions of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, I still have many moments of their childhood to savor. I know my son isn’t overjoyed about school beginning, but I have high hopes that this will be his best year yet. Here’s to an amazing year ahead, the sky is the limit! Go get ’em! And parents, let us not waste a single moment we have with them. From homework to teenage angst, we must remember that this too shall pass and not forget to enjoy the good moments. 🙂

A World Offline

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The internet doesn’t get vacation days

All across the world, we plug in and tune out

Games, blogs, & pictures, it’s hard to stay away

Even now, I sit here on my laptop with doubt

 

Remember when we ventured outside to explore?

As great as the online world can sometimes be

Isn’t there a life outside of it that means more?

More than words on a screen for all to see

 

I go through spurts of heavy world wide web presence

And ones completely unplugged from it all

Trying to find a healthy balance between them, in essence

Sometimes it’s not easy to do and I hit a wall

 

I try to remember to take a break now and then

To get face to face time, each day create a beautiful memory

To enjoy fully the life that I have before it’s taken

And with that said, it’s time to unplug and be free

 

A New Venture

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I have been passionate about photography since I was given my first camera, which was my mom’s old 35mm. For quite some time now, I have been thinking about having a photography business of my own. Capturing lifelong memories is an incredible thing, in my mind. Over time, our memories fade and pictures are one way to revisit and renew them for us.

Well, I finally decided to go for it. I created a Facebook business page for my work, been putting the word out to family and friends on there, and now I am reaching out to my WordPress family! Help me spread the word and get my business going! I want to capture precious moments for as many people as I can.

My mission statement, if you will, is to create lifelong memories and to do it with honor, integrity, and love. I want my heart to show in every picture I take and for everyone who has my work on their walls and in their photo albums to know that they’re more than just clients. Each person I work with will be treated with respect and compassion.

My goal is to be a great photographer, always learning and to be a good mom at the same time. I have a four and a half month old daughter that is my light. I didn’t spend nearly enough time with my son when he was small and I regret that. I want to make sure she has that time and energy. I feel this is a job I can work around my husband’s work schedule most times and also be able to take her with me when I can’t. I want her early years to be full of memories of time spent with me, learning and growing. I also want to do something that will help add income to our household at the same time and feel good about myself and the work I do at the same time.

Thank you in advance for your never ending support. You, my amazing friends and family, inspire me daily to do and become more. Every step forward is partially in thanks to each of you.

Here is the link to my site if you want to check it out and share it with others: Carissa Gray Photography

Now, go out and make the most of today! Capture each precious moment!

Fly High, Lou Lou

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Sunshine and two piece suits

Music blaring, getting lost in it

I’d braid your hair, you’d do mine

Laughing, singing, and loving life

 

Staying up late, watching movies

Playing exhilarating games of Yahtzee

Talking for hours about anything and everything

You had my back, as I had yours

 

There are days when I come close to calling you

But then I remember you’re gone

You touched my life in inexpressible ways

Your love has left an everlasting mark upon my soul

 

Once my cousin, always my friend

Death doesn’t separate us

A part of you lives within me

I’ll love you until my days come to an end.

 

Aimee Lyn Steinseifer: 11/13/1974 – 05/02/2016

 

Your life was more than just a beginning or an end. You lived all those years in between to their fullest. You’re missed, deeply, every day. ♡

 

 

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