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Posts tagged ‘love’

Rinse. Repeat.

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Find your passion.

Be so busy doing what you love that negativity sees you don’t have any time for it anymore.

Rinse. Repeat.

We’re not on this earth simply to pay bills, stress, or mourn.

Laugh, make memories, love…..

Chase your dreams….

Rinse. Repeat.

Shine On

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Shrouded in darkness, unable to find the light

Told by many that she’d never amount to much

So for years, she remained mostly out of sight

Too afraid of being seen, of failing, and such

 

Somewhere in the dark, someone found her

He showed her that there is joy within the sun

That life is not meant to be lived in a hazy blur

But instead is to be enjoyed, to actually have fun

 

More so, He taught her about a forever love

That there’s one who would always be there, no matter how dark it became

And that there’s beauty and worth within her, recognized from up above

A worth that would burn brighter than the most fiery flame

 

He called her to be seen and heard

If she’d but open her heart and trust

She found truth within His word

Letting go so she could move forward was a must

 

Shine on, for you have a great future ahead

No longer shall you live a life void of light

A life within the sun, that’s what He said

Spread your beautiful wings and take flight

 

Day 21 and Beyond

 

FB_IMG_1543882138265How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

The world may never know…

 

Day zero: Insanity ensued.

Day one: Okay, let’s just take a moment to breathe.

Day two: Trying to process what has happened.

Day three: Uncertainty looms

Day four: A likely outcome awaits, but can’t quite reach it.

Day five: Snowed in. No answers yet.

Day six: Long drives, little sleep, what gives…

Day seven: A week now it’s been, any answers would be nice…

Day eight: Pay the piper day for a young man.

Day nine: Plans cancelled, day feels like a loss, but makes the best of it.

Day ten: Crickets chirp.

Day eleven: Honoring a great man that fought to break race barriers and end race wars.

Day twelve: Keep on driving….

Day thirteen: Work hard, get things done.

Day fourteen: We just want to know how to proceed. Driving gets tiresome.

Day fifteen: Still driving.

Day sixteen: Family day.

Day seventeen: Winter, feel free to go home…

Day eighteen: Day off, yet not quite.

Day nineteen: Answers at long last!!!!

Day twenty: Today, we work on moving forward.

Day twenty-one and beyond: We shall see where our paths take us…..

 

The world may not know exactly what our days ahead look like, I sure don’t. What I do know though is that they will be days filled with love. We’ll face hard times and struggle, I’m sure of that too. We will laugh and have great days. Life is full of ups and downs. Through them all, we’ll face them as a family. I’m looking forward to day 21 and beyond.

 

***picture taken at a wedding I shot in Manitowoc on September 29th, 2018***

We Didn’t Let Ourselves Go…

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To all of you who sometimes feel like being a parent has caused you to let your body/looks go, like you’re not the you that you were when you could just do as you pleased, or like you’re not sure who you are anymore….

You didn’t let yourself go, you let yourself grow.

Becoming a parent, at least for me, is sometimes very stressful, but it is also the most fulfilling and wonderful thing I’m able to do.

I don’t get all dolled up like the days of old, go out with friends several nights a week, plan my next grand adventure to who knows where, or think mostly of just myself and what I want. Is that sometimes depressing? Now and then, yes.

If I’m being completely honest, sometimes it’s hard watching my friends without kids have such “freedom” to go wherever and do whatever they want, well compared to me it feels that way sometimes. I can’t just go out on a Tuesday night for ladies night, drive to Colorado with my bestie just to meet her friends and do some sightseeing without worrying about what or who I’m leaving behind, or work on the music career I had hoped to have.

Well, I could, because life is a series of choices and many times when we say, “I didn’t have a choice.”, that’s not actually true. However, with one’s specific moral compass, we often feel like we didn’t have any other choice, because that other choice or choices weren’t something we could bring ourselves to do or we didn’t think we could live with the consequences.

Anyway, so I could do many things that I don’t, but I choose not to because it’s not just about me anymore. I have a husband and two children that are greatly effected by many of the choices I make. I gave up a lot for them and sometimes it is hard, but it’s so worth it. Being given the chance to raise these two kiddos and to be married to someone I consider one of my best friends, yes I have more than one best friend, are amazing blessings.

Do I ever feel like I let myself go? Sometimes. Currently, I’m sitting here in lounge wear with messy hair, feeling exhausted because I’ve been awake since 4:30am. I drove my son to Appleton in crappy weather so he could go to school and have been dealing with a cranky toddler all morning. I know I look tired and worn out. It’s worth it though, especially when my son and daughter give me hugs, tell me they love me, want to spend time with me, and make me feel what I do for them matters.

When I really think about it, I didn’t really give up on myself or my dreams and nor did I let myself go. I let myself grow. Becoming a mom has opened my heart, eyes, and way of thinking. It’s also helped me change how I live.

There’s zero shame in turning down countless invites to see local bands or to go out with friends. It is important to make time for yourself. It gives us a chance to rejuvenate, grow, learn, relax, remember what we love to do outside of being a parent or spouse, and so on. But, it’s also important to remember the life or lives we brought into the world and know that they need us. That is both humbling and empowering, knowing that we’re needed so much, needed to teach, guide, nurture, nurse, inspire, and love.

As they learn and grow, so do we. So, I will say it again, I didn’t and nor did you let yourself go. We’re allowing ourselves to grow.

 

***photo taken by me last winter***

How Did You Love?

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Dreaming big, reaching for the sky
You could be the next world renowned chef
Or an astronaut going millions of miles high
What about an actress accepting an Oscar for a big role
Or a great composer overcoming being deaf

Maybe you dream of playing for the NFL
Or how about finding a cure for heart disease
You could write a novel that inspires others to write as well
Or how about revolutionizing the tech world
Or a great photographer getting gigs overseas

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do great things
Or with wanting to make a name for yourself
Along the way, just don’t let conceit color your wings
Don’t lose your soul to the world
Or let your ability to care for others sit on a dusty shelf

When we one day leave this world behind us
What will we be remembered for?
Achievements and titles held are things others may discuss
But would it be worth it if we’d lived a life void of love?
Money, fame, and success are grand, but in life, there’s also so much more.

So dream big and please do reach the sky
Go after those goals, accomplish them all
Just don’t lose sight of life’s joy as your days fly by
When others think of you, will they know how you lived, how you loved?
Will it be a life lived to the fullest, maybe one of the fullest of all?

Sharing a Nectarine

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Two girls sharing a nectarine
One so very young
The other not so much
Singing songs of the summer
Dreaming of picnics and swings

As the snow falls outside so steadily
The girls play the day away inside
Singing EIO, EIO and giggling
Making noises and nonsense
Just two girls so silly and as close as can be

A color collage adorns notebooks and walls
The so very young girl proud of her art
The not so young girl sighs and then smiles
“What a beautiful rainbow you’ve made, love.”
These days will fly by with the winter moon

The seasons will come and go, as they’ve always done
The very little girl will become not so little
And the not so young girl will grow older still
We may as well make the most of the colorful days
Let us sing songs about little spiders and twinkling stars today

Tomorrow, maybe the very little girl will have new dreams
While these days aren’t always so easy
With the tantrums and hearing her yell no
There’s also so much joy in chocolate covered kisses
And in the bedtime stories and goodnight hugs

Two girls sharing a nectarine
One so very young
The other one not so much
Singing songs of the summer
Still dreaming of picnics and swings

***photo taken by Briggett Wills of Life Photography in June of 2018***

 

Treading Water

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Wading in, feeling the sand beneath her feet

Wanting to feel the water upon her skin

Mindlessly, she keeps walking further in

Until she finds where the sky and water meet

 

As the water rises, she begins to tread water

Staying afloat takes all she has within her

Wanting to go back, but feeling so unsure

If she doesn’t return, would they forget about her?

 

Part of her wants to slip beneath the surface

Just give in to the weight that’s pulling her down

Yet another part of her doesn’t want to drown

What she wonders though is, why stay, what’s my purpose?

 

Feeling like all she does is daily fight to stay above

Sometimes it just feels like a pointless endeavor

But then, she thinks about those in her life and the bonds no one could sever

She knows one reason she keeps going is because of a life that’s filled with love.

 

 

***picture taken on North Captiva Island in October of 2018***

My Everything

Here is a short and sweet one today…

Before becoming a mom, I didn’t know what it really meant to love someone unconditionally, without hesitation. I just wanted to take a few moments to say how blessed I am to be a mom to these two beautiful souls. They give me a sense of purpose, that I’m to help guide them into adulthood and to love them always.

**Pictures taken by me, first one in our yard on October 14th, 2018 and the second one at Ridge Run in the summer of 2018**

Raw Truth

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A soul that simply wants love and peace struggles with so much sorrow, stress, and heartache thrown her way. She knows that life is never perfect, but sometimes wonders why it has to be this hard.

She smiles and laughs a lot. She knows there’s still so much to be grateful for. But in all honesty, sometimes those smiles and laughs aren’t fully genuine. Sometimes she just wants to keep people from worrying about her or seeing how bad things can be for her or her family.

Sometimes she is the epitome of selflessness, giving of her talents, things that she owns, or her time, whether she’s really in a position to do so or not. There are times where she’s instead this being of such selfishness, where she can’t see beyond her own pain, needs, or desires. There are times when she makes it all about her.

Right now, she’s not okay at all and if being completely honest, she hasn’t been for awhile. She’s feeling so overwhelmed. She lets a fraction of that show for some to see sometimes, but often keeps much of it to herself. She thinks many just don’t want to deal with her pain, insecurities, doubts, and mental health issues.

She feels things intensely, all things. If she’s scared, sad, angry, worried, jealous, anxious, or even happy, she REALLY feels it and not just her own feelings, but those around her too. If someone she knows is hurting or even really happy, she feels it like she’s going through whatever it is the other is dealing with. Only those like her begin to understand what that’s like, that it feels like a blessing many times, but can feel like a burden too, most especially when they’re struggling themselves. It’s not something they can just shut off either, this is why sometimes she distances herself from others, not because she doesn’t care, but because she feels too much all at once.

She loves God and believes in the power of love, mercy, and forgiveness. Yet sometimes she struggles in her own sin and finds it hard to fully let go and move on. Some wounds haven’t fully healed, though it’s been decades. She has prayed with such genuine desire to be free of the pain and lingering anger that lives buried within and somehow she still can’t fully let go. She’s let go enough to stop the daily nightmares and to allow some to be in her life, to feel a powerful love for them and an honest desire to see them happy, but the pain is still there.

She knows she can be her own worst enemy and harshest critic. Sometimes she is so cruel to herself. Sometimes she makes herself cry from the way she speaks in her own head. Sometimes she doubts the kind things people say. She grew up feeling alone, unwanted, ugly, and not worthy of being truly loved. It’s hard to overcome years of feeling this way, years of being told she’s nothing, and years of being ignored. She’s trying, every day, so very hard, she’s trying. God loves her and He also sent many into her life that love her too. Part of her knows she’s loved beyond measure and that there’s so much good beyond the flaws. Part of her still struggles with doubts sometimes and then she feels guilty for feeling that way…

When some people only contact her because they want something, she feels unappreciated and used, worst of all is when it’s family that make her feel so awful. How can she cut ties with people whom she loves and yet feels may not truly love her in return?

She’s moody, a pain to know and love sometimes, talks an awful lot, is what some consider to be too sensitive, and a bit neurotic at times. In all honesty, she’s not always easy to get along with. Yet, she’s also very kind, generous to a fault much of the time, funny, great to talk to, and loving. She may not always be easy to stay connected to or be friends with, but feels maybe she’s worth it if you stick around.

Pet peeves are a long list with this one, but she has gotten better with keeping some of those feelings to herself. She’s, perhaps irrationally, irritated by loud eaters, IM speech and most especially when people use zero punctuation marks to separate thoughts, rude drivers, disorganization, improper use of words like they’re, their, and there, using words that aren’t words like irregardless, people messaging her about business opportunities she has zero interest in, mass messages and texts, chain messages, when people put empty containers away instead of disposing of them, cleaning up after grown ups, finding toilet paper rolls that are put on, what she feels, is the wrong way, and the list goes on….

She wants to be seen and heard…..

She wants to be enough, for her husband, her children, others in her family, her friends, her clients, and so much so, for her God. She wants to be enough for herself too….

If she feels a certain way about something or someone, do not try to change her mind. She will respect your feelings and beliefs, but she would appreciate it if others do the same for her.

She has so many unfinished projects out there. She wants to get better at starting a book or gift for someone and actually finishing them.

Though she’s happy with the life God has given her, sometimes she wonders what it might be like if she had made some better choices. Then she feels guilty for feeling that way. Clearly, life has turned out the way it has for a reason and to get here, the things that happened needed to happen. Yet, sometimes that’s hard to accept.

She really dislikes extreme heat or cold. Though things like humidity and horrible wind chill bother her and she will complain about them, she can’t see herself living anywhere than her home state, at least for quite a long while. When people tell her to move if she hates the weather, she is annoyed because it isn’t really that simple. Her whole life has been rooted to one state. In her mind, one doesn’t simply uproot everything because the weather sometimes sucks. Family, friendship, and love are pretty good reasons to stay. Yes, she may whine about weather now and then, but in reality, she’s home right where she’s at and doesn’t want to leave anytime soon.

She is, as I’m sure anyone reading this can guess, me. I could say a lot more. I could open up the floodgates. If I do, if I go into more detail, say more of what haunts me, what makes me who I am, who I was, and who I want to be, I hope you’ll not think less of me for doing so.

I feel I’m complex and yet not so difficult to know. If you really want to know me though, be warned, as mentioned before, I’m a handful. I think, perhaps, that you may find the journey worth it though.

My PTSD stems from being emotionally neglected by my mom, sexually and physically abused by one of her boyfriends, being either neglected or treated like garbage by my dad, the things that happened in my foster homes, and being raped by someone I thought cared for me.

Some days, I feel okay. Some days, I think I’m mostly over what’s happened. I’ve mostly forgiven my mom. I love her more than I can say. Having her in my life means more than I can say. Her happiness is important to me. She is a gift from God. Some days though, something triggers painful memories and then I feel so angry that she wasn’t there for me when I needed her most, that she didn’t defend me, and that she left me to deal with what her, now, ex had done to me all on my own. She’s never really talked through this with me and she likely never will. I’m trying to accept that and most days, I’m okay with it. Some days are hard though, really hard.

My dad was so mean, outright mean, for so long. We have also made peace. He did apologize for hurting me and that means a lot to me. He knows he put me through so much and that I didn’t deserve it. Funny though, we don’t talk much. He’s locked up, so that’s part of it. Another part of it is that we just don’t have much to say to one another. We’re so different, in many ways. We have the same birthday and I can count, on one hand, how many times he’s wished me happy birthday. He’s not a sappy, saying I love you type and I very much am. It does hurt that we’ve never been close, even though I know a large part of that is because that’s just who he is. I long for a closeness, with him, and others I just don’t have. Sometimes I feel like I was born into the wrong family.

I know I burned bridges when I was young. I lied, stole, and caused so much mistrust when I was much younger. Some excuse it because of all I went through. Some never got over it, it seems. Some have gotten past it and know I’m not that person anymore. I do feel guilty sometimes still. I was hurt a lot, but I wasn’t innocent, free of hurting others either. I don’t feel that I deserved what happened to me anymore, but I also believe those I hurt didn’t deserve it either. I’m just glad that me died years ago and am grateful for those who either stuck by me or who let me back in when they saw that I’m different. (That’s why I often give many chances when I’m hurt, because others did that for me. I’m still learning when enough is enough though.)

I’m not okay and I’m not okay because of stuff going on with my son, things he’s dealing with at his dad’s, fighting to bring him home, money stuff, having several loved ones die in a few week’s time, a car accident, and trying to deal with it all at once. It feels like too much many days. I do keep pushing forward, one foot at a time, but some days it feels like I’m not going anywhere. Some days, I feel so lost and sometimes I’m so sick of acting like I’m happy when I’m not….

I look at my children and want more for them. I’m trying to be the good that I learned from my parents and not the bad. I know I have and will likely mess up again, but I’m going to keep trying, every day. I believe my kids know how much I love them and that they know I’ll always fight to give them a good life. Some days, I fear I’ll fail, but the fear never causes me to give up. I fall sometimes, but I always get back up and keep trying. I am that way with my hubby, my friends, family, and clients too. The day I stop trying is the day God decides I’m done.

Speaking of being done, I think this post is just about finished. I’ve not said it all, but then I don’t think I’ll be truly done for years to come. For now, I think this is enough. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I needed to free these thoughts, some of which I’ve written about before and I’m sure to again, and others maybe you’ve never seen before. All of which though, well, they were taking up needed space that I’d like to free up for other thoughts right now.

I’ve got clients to concentrate on, so that I can take the best photos I possibly can for them. I’ve got kiddos that need me to be alright. I’ve got a hubby that deserves a happier and healthier me more often. I’ve got a God and community to serve, to give my best to. So, with that, I’ll say au revoir, for now. Thanks, again, for spending this time with me. Until next time, much love and may you find a reason to smile as often as possible.

 

*photo taken by me at Regner Park, a couple of years ago.*

Silence Speaks

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Silent days turned into months

Though no words were spoken

And no cruel deeds were done

A once close bond was broken

 

No one knows when it all began

When or how silence crept in

How it slowly extinguished a once strong flame

Sadness and regret are now found within

 

Once upon a time, the walls were full of joy and laughter

And through any hard times, love and support were given

How did a once great friendship become something like this?

Once fueled by love, they’re now fear driven

 

Afraid of change and afraid of failure

They don’t try to repair what’s not right

Unhappy, yet comfortable in what they’ve become

Plans they made, now faded from their sight

 

Some say it’s mean words and awful things done that ruin relationships

And sometimes that’s found to be very true

But other times, what kills a bond between two people is something else entirely

Sometimes it’s silence, indifference, and when people pull away that weakens the glue

 

Any relationship, with family, friendship, or between lovers needs some key things to survive

Trust, loyalty, respect, and love are high on that list

But there is so much more than that which helps a relationship thrive

Working together, having fun with each other, and communication sometimes are missed

 

Sometimes what drives two people apart wasn’t an issue from the start

And it doesn’t often happen right away

It’s, many times, caused from a long period of miscommunication or emotional distance

A successful relationship requires hard work from both people nearly every day

 

Harsh words can cut like a knife, this is true

And often cause more damage than physical damage done

But, let’s not forget that silence can speak just as loudly and cut just as deeply

Let’s speak and do it with love, most especially in the darkest times, so that the battle against broken hearts can be won….

 

 

*Photography done by myself, taken at the Milwaukee County Zoo last October.*

 

 

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