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Posts tagged ‘God’

The Stars

Capture-2

Billions of stars represent billions of hearts

Both alive and those that have gone before us

Which one would you say you are?

I’m THAT one, the one with extra sparkle

 

Twinkle, twinkle little star up in the sky

She’s up there singing a little tune

Watching me as I get my shine on

Her light still guides me as I learn

 

When our bodies die, our souls still live

It feels like they give the stars extra shine

When we feel extra sad or unsure of our paths

We can find comfort in the sky up above

 

Twinkle, twinkle little star up in the sky

Where are you on this cold night?

I need you more than ever right now

Can I hop on a cloud and see you?

 

Closing my eyes, I slow my breathing

Listening intently, trying to hear your voice

Willing the voices in my head to grow still

It takes great skill to quiet the noise

 

Twinkle, twinkle little star in the sky

Can you hear me as I call your name?

Is my voice being drowned out by your singing?

I miss singing with you and listening to your voice

 

I hear you, calmly telling me to let go

Let go and trust one we both love

The One that made these very stars I talk to

I feel her hands gently touch my hair

 

Twinkle, twinkle little star in the sky

I still struggle with worry and doubt

But I know deep down You’re with me

I think now I can finally get some sleep

 

Billions of stars represent billions of hearts

Both alive and those that have gone before us

Which one would you say you are?

I’m THAT one, the with the extra sparkle.

 

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Shine On

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Shrouded in darkness, unable to find the light

Told by many that she’d never amount to much

So for years, she remained mostly out of sight

Too afraid of being seen, of failing, and such

 

Somewhere in the dark, someone found her

He showed her that there is joy within the sun

That life is not meant to be lived in a hazy blur

But instead is to be enjoyed, to actually have fun

 

More so, He taught her about a forever love

That there’s one who would always be there, no matter how dark it became

And that there’s beauty and worth within her, recognized from up above

A worth that would burn brighter than the most fiery flame

 

He called her to be seen and heard

If she’d but open her heart and trust

She found truth within His word

Letting go so she could move forward was a must

 

Shine on, for you have a great future ahead

No longer shall you live a life void of light

A life within the sun, that’s what He said

Spread your beautiful wings and take flight

 

Raw Truth

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A soul that simply wants love and peace struggles with so much sorrow, stress, and heartache thrown her way. She knows that life is never perfect, but sometimes wonders why it has to be this hard.

She smiles and laughs a lot. She knows there’s still so much to be grateful for. But in all honesty, sometimes those smiles and laughs aren’t fully genuine. Sometimes she just wants to keep people from worrying about her or seeing how bad things can be for her or her family.

Sometimes she is the epitome of selflessness, giving of her talents, things that she owns, or her time, whether she’s really in a position to do so or not. There are times where she’s instead this being of such selfishness, where she can’t see beyond her own pain, needs, or desires. There are times when she makes it all about her.

Right now, she’s not okay at all and if being completely honest, she hasn’t been for awhile. She’s feeling so overwhelmed. She lets a fraction of that show for some to see sometimes, but often keeps much of it to herself. She thinks many just don’t want to deal with her pain, insecurities, doubts, and mental health issues.

She feels things intensely, all things. If she’s scared, sad, angry, worried, jealous, anxious, or even happy, she REALLY feels it and not just her own feelings, but those around her too. If someone she knows is hurting or even really happy, she feels it like she’s going through whatever it is the other is dealing with. Only those like her begin to understand what that’s like, that it feels like a blessing many times, but can feel like a burden too, most especially when they’re struggling themselves. It’s not something they can just shut off either, this is why sometimes she distances herself from others, not because she doesn’t care, but because she feels too much all at once.

She loves God and believes in the power of love, mercy, and forgiveness. Yet sometimes she struggles in her own sin and finds it hard to fully let go and move on. Some wounds haven’t fully healed, though it’s been decades. She has prayed with such genuine desire to be free of the pain and lingering anger that lives buried within and somehow she still can’t fully let go. She’s let go enough to stop the daily nightmares and to allow some to be in her life, to feel a powerful love for them and an honest desire to see them happy, but the pain is still there.

She knows she can be her own worst enemy and harshest critic. Sometimes she is so cruel to herself. Sometimes she makes herself cry from the way she speaks in her own head. Sometimes she doubts the kind things people say. She grew up feeling alone, unwanted, ugly, and not worthy of being truly loved. It’s hard to overcome years of feeling this way, years of being told she’s nothing, and years of being ignored. She’s trying, every day, so very hard, she’s trying. God loves her and He also sent many into her life that love her too. Part of her knows she’s loved beyond measure and that there’s so much good beyond the flaws. Part of her still struggles with doubts sometimes and then she feels guilty for feeling that way…

When some people only contact her because they want something, she feels unappreciated and used, worst of all is when it’s family that make her feel so awful. How can she cut ties with people whom she loves and yet feels may not truly love her in return?

She’s moody, a pain to know and love sometimes, talks an awful lot, is what some consider to be too sensitive, and a bit neurotic at times. In all honesty, she’s not always easy to get along with. Yet, she’s also very kind, generous to a fault much of the time, funny, great to talk to, and loving. She may not always be easy to stay connected to or be friends with, but feels maybe she’s worth it if you stick around.

Pet peeves are a long list with this one, but she has gotten better with keeping some of those feelings to herself. She’s, perhaps irrationally, irritated by loud eaters, IM speech and most especially when people use zero punctuation marks to separate thoughts, rude drivers, disorganization, improper use of words like they’re, their, and there, using words that aren’t words like irregardless, people messaging her about business opportunities she has zero interest in, mass messages and texts, chain messages, when people put empty containers away instead of disposing of them, cleaning up after grown ups, finding toilet paper rolls that are put on, what she feels, is the wrong way, and the list goes on….

She wants to be seen and heard…..

She wants to be enough, for her husband, her children, others in her family, her friends, her clients, and so much so, for her God. She wants to be enough for herself too….

If she feels a certain way about something or someone, do not try to change her mind. She will respect your feelings and beliefs, but she would appreciate it if others do the same for her.

She has so many unfinished projects out there. She wants to get better at starting a book or gift for someone and actually finishing them.

Though she’s happy with the life God has given her, sometimes she wonders what it might be like if she had made some better choices. Then she feels guilty for feeling that way. Clearly, life has turned out the way it has for a reason and to get here, the things that happened needed to happen. Yet, sometimes that’s hard to accept.

She really dislikes extreme heat or cold. Though things like humidity and horrible wind chill bother her and she will complain about them, she can’t see herself living anywhere than her home state, at least for quite a long while. When people tell her to move if she hates the weather, she is annoyed because it isn’t really that simple. Her whole life has been rooted to one state. In her mind, one doesn’t simply uproot everything because the weather sometimes sucks. Family, friendship, and love are pretty good reasons to stay. Yes, she may whine about weather now and then, but in reality, she’s home right where she’s at and doesn’t want to leave anytime soon.

She is, as I’m sure anyone reading this can guess, me. I could say a lot more. I could open up the floodgates. If I do, if I go into more detail, say more of what haunts me, what makes me who I am, who I was, and who I want to be, I hope you’ll not think less of me for doing so.

I feel I’m complex and yet not so difficult to know. If you really want to know me though, be warned, as mentioned before, I’m a handful. I think, perhaps, that you may find the journey worth it though.

My PTSD stems from being emotionally neglected by my mom, sexually and physically abused by one of her boyfriends, being either neglected or treated like garbage by my dad, the things that happened in my foster homes, and being raped by someone I thought cared for me.

Some days, I feel okay. Some days, I think I’m mostly over what’s happened. I’ve mostly forgiven my mom. I love her more than I can say. Having her in my life means more than I can say. Her happiness is important to me. She is a gift from God. Some days though, something triggers painful memories and then I feel so angry that she wasn’t there for me when I needed her most, that she didn’t defend me, and that she left me to deal with what her, now, ex had done to me all on my own. She’s never really talked through this with me and she likely never will. I’m trying to accept that and most days, I’m okay with it. Some days are hard though, really hard.

My dad was so mean, outright mean, for so long. We have also made peace. He did apologize for hurting me and that means a lot to me. He knows he put me through so much and that I didn’t deserve it. Funny though, we don’t talk much. He’s locked up, so that’s part of it. Another part of it is that we just don’t have much to say to one another. We’re so different, in many ways. We have the same birthday and I can count, on one hand, how many times he’s wished me happy birthday. He’s not a sappy, saying I love you type and I very much am. It does hurt that we’ve never been close, even though I know a large part of that is because that’s just who he is. I long for a closeness, with him, and others I just don’t have. Sometimes I feel like I was born into the wrong family.

I know I burned bridges when I was young. I lied, stole, and caused so much mistrust when I was much younger. Some excuse it because of all I went through. Some never got over it, it seems. Some have gotten past it and know I’m not that person anymore. I do feel guilty sometimes still. I was hurt a lot, but I wasn’t innocent, free of hurting others either. I don’t feel that I deserved what happened to me anymore, but I also believe those I hurt didn’t deserve it either. I’m just glad that me died years ago and am grateful for those who either stuck by me or who let me back in when they saw that I’m different. (That’s why I often give many chances when I’m hurt, because others did that for me. I’m still learning when enough is enough though.)

I’m not okay and I’m not okay because of stuff going on with my son, things he’s dealing with at his dad’s, fighting to bring him home, money stuff, having several loved ones die in a few week’s time, a car accident, and trying to deal with it all at once. It feels like too much many days. I do keep pushing forward, one foot at a time, but some days it feels like I’m not going anywhere. Some days, I feel so lost and sometimes I’m so sick of acting like I’m happy when I’m not….

I look at my children and want more for them. I’m trying to be the good that I learned from my parents and not the bad. I know I have and will likely mess up again, but I’m going to keep trying, every day. I believe my kids know how much I love them and that they know I’ll always fight to give them a good life. Some days, I fear I’ll fail, but the fear never causes me to give up. I fall sometimes, but I always get back up and keep trying. I am that way with my hubby, my friends, family, and clients too. The day I stop trying is the day God decides I’m done.

Speaking of being done, I think this post is just about finished. I’ve not said it all, but then I don’t think I’ll be truly done for years to come. For now, I think this is enough. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I needed to free these thoughts, some of which I’ve written about before and I’m sure to again, and others maybe you’ve never seen before. All of which though, well, they were taking up needed space that I’d like to free up for other thoughts right now.

I’ve got clients to concentrate on, so that I can take the best photos I possibly can for them. I’ve got kiddos that need me to be alright. I’ve got a hubby that deserves a happier and healthier me more often. I’ve got a God and community to serve, to give my best to. So, with that, I’ll say au revoir, for now. Thanks, again, for spending this time with me. Until next time, much love and may you find a reason to smile as often as possible.

 

*photo taken by me at Regner Park, a couple of years ago.*

I Won’t Go Quietly, Good Sir…

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I’m part of a women’s bible study that focuses on Ruth and five habits of a woman that doesn’t quit. It’s definitely made an impact already.

I’ve been known to give up when nothing was working the way I wanted or before I even began if I thought there was a decent chance of failure. I don’t even know how many books I started that never got finished or how many opportunities I’ve missed out on due to fear or frustration.

Being a part of this group has really opened my eyes. I don’t want to be that person who shies away from remarkable chances anymore. Sometimes we have to take a risk to get to where we want to be. The greatest things in life are often gotten through hard work and risks taken.

Faith in Him and His plan isn’t always easy to have, in fact many times we’re challenged and feel unsure if He knows what He’s doing. But, it’s in those times when we need to draw nearer and trust that things will work out according to His great design. Trust in His plan may not come easy, but it’s always worth it.

It may appear that I’ve gotten off topic, but I assure you that faith and trust in His plan is part of what helps keep us from quitting. Left to my own devices, I’ve quit, failed, and messed up more times than I can count. When I let Him in and let Him guide me, no matter how great or difficult things may be, this is when things work out.

I’m a work in progress, we all are. Every day, every moment is another challenge, a chance to keep going or to quit. Every moment is a choice to trust Him or to go it alone. I won’t lie, I know my pride will get in the way and there will be times I think I can do it all alone. There will be things I quit, things I think I could never accomplish. But, my sincere hope is that I’ll continue to grow, learn, and do better.

There are many wonderful opportunities awaiting me, if I have the courage to go for it. With Him, they’re possible, I just have to remember and trust in that, in Him. One day, one moment at a time….but know this fear, I won’t go quietly. God is with me, so you may knock me over, but you will not keep me down.

What My Voice Can’t Say….

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Darkness Crept In

The lonely heart wept

For the darkness within crept

While happiness slept

 

Part-time Love

You swear you’ll be there

But then you break promises

And fade out of sight

 

Seeking Direction

I look at the map

Trying to find the way home

Feeling blindsided

 

A New Hope

I need a new hope

The old one within has died

Please relight the flame

 

What My Voice Can’t Say

Sorrow grips my lips

The red sea finds me again

Help me find my voice

Quoth My Bi-Polar, Nevermore

BipolarBehavior1

Upon this ledge, my soul stood staring

Tired of the cries of injustice blaring

Needing to quiet my thoughts before I lose my sanity

There’s too much greed, cruelty, and vanity

 

Darkness threatens to overtake me

Daily I fight the demons within for all to see

Some days I feel like letting them win

Perhaps it would be easier to just give in

 

Tango with the monsters inside my brain

Let them sing that haunting refrain

At least I’d always have someone to talk to

The needs of the one outweigh the needs of the few

 

But somehow I find strength within

Each day, I let that fight inside me begin

He helps me get through each day

He’s with me always, every step of the way

Lazy Sunday

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The morning started out busy

Chores galore for us all to do

In this heat, it was enough to make me dizzy

But now we’re able to relax

Such a good feeling, being able renew

 

Baseball, chatting, & just spending time together

I love having this time to spend with my family

We’re a silly flock that is of the same feather

And yet so different, such individuals that are unique

Thanks be to Him for this gift of true beauty

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