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Posts tagged ‘feelings’

Wordless

riddle me this

Thoughts jumble together

A mess hard to make sense of

Unable to stabilize

Open mouth, but no words come out

 

Being pulled in many directions

Everyone needs something

Scrambling to help them all

But unsure of how to help myself

 

Trying to get my feelings out

But not sure how to

I can’t find the words to express them

It’s not something I’m used to

 

Normally, the words fly freely

Like a bird upon a steady breeze

No matter how I feel, it is made known

But not today, today I just don’t know.

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Sometimes You Lose, But Sometimes You Win…

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A closed bulb that never bloomed shrinks in the darkness

Unable to find the light, feeling close to death

The time has gone by so swiftly

She thought she had more time….

 

Nearly 40 years have gone by

Quite likely she’s halfway through this life

This wasn’t the life she had planned

That’s what a voice whispers to her

 

She had big plans, many left unfulfilled

Dreams came and went over the years

Sitting all alone, wondering why

Why didn’t she do more, work harder?

 

The once brilliant violet hue is turning gray

But surely this isn’t how the story ends?

Can’t one still find a way while there’s still life within?

A troubled and discouaged soul asks the silent night air

 

Though inaudible to most, a tiny voice rings out in the night

There is time yet to get it right, if one decides to try

It’s only too late once you’re dead and dead you are not

The tiny voice has become loud enough for her heart to hear its words

 

You have a life, one so kindly given to you

Shall you continue to waste the precious time given to you?

Or perhaps, will you then open your eyes and move your limb so that you may finally break the curse

The one you set upon yourself, the one preventing you from truly living

 

But, I’m afraid, she replies quietly

I’ve messed up so many times, too many to count

I’ll likely just mess up once more, it’s a vicious cycle really

She hangs her graying head in doubt and sadness

 

Fear holds you back from what could be a wonderful life, my friend

The now booming voice calls out to her

Taking risks are a part of life, one that shouldn’t be ran away from

Instead, grab the bull by the horns and give it all you’ve got.

 

Sometimes you’ll fail, hear the word no, and lose too

But, you’ll also find strength, learn who you are, and find you’ll win sometimes as well

A life only half lived is sad and it’s such a waste of the precious gift of time given to you

Put away doubts, self pity, and fear today and embrace courage, hope, and the life the awaits you

 

Not totally convinced, but willing to try, if only to quiet the aching within

She lifts her head, dries her tears, and starts to stand

I’ll try, today yes, I will try to put fears and worries to rest

One day at a time, that’ll be all I can promise though

 

The voice replies, that’ll be all you or anyone can do

And when you do fall, don’t let it beat you or keep you down

Rise again, my beautiful and wonderful friend

Rise up, claim today as yours in Him, and see that while sometimes you lose, so do you also sometimes win.

 

 

Healthy mind, healthy body

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Some know this and some do not, that a healthy mind and a healthy body go hand in hand. It’s important to take care of yourself, in every way.

A month ago, I joined the Optavia program to better myself, mostly my physical self. What I’ve come to realize is, my mental health is just as important and when you work on them both, they effect each other.

Today, I began a four week challenge within the healthy habits group I’m in, that’s a part of the Optavia program. It’s a weight loss challenge, but it’s more about us as individuals, not for us to compete against one another. This isn’t The Biggest Loser, no one is getting voted off if they have a rough week.

One thing we’re supposed to do is work on a healthy goal each week. This week, mine is to focus on my mental health. I have struggled with mental health issues since childhood. I’ve learned to manage them much better over the years, but they still get the best of me some days. As of late, I’ve been more irritable. The mania has kicked in and I’ve been so short tempered and over stupid stuff.

My grandma just died, a week ago, so I’m sure that has a lot to do with it. Losing her is the hardest death I’ve had to deal with. I’ve lost family and friends over the years, but no one was super close to me, except one friend, who died nearly two years ago. I still have a hard time with that sometimes, more lately for some reason and now my grandma is gone.

She was not just “Grandma” to me, she was a second mom, a friend at times, and someone I could count on when I felt alone, when I had no where else to go, when I needed help with bills or needed a sitter for my son, or just needed to talk. She has done more for me than anyone else. As I write this, my heart aches. I feel the grief tearing at the scar tissue, ready to burst open to painful wounds.

I feel grief, sadness, and like a part of me is missing. Grief is the unfortunate price of love. I’m glad, in a way, to feel this pain. It means that the love we shared was real, that the connection we had was strong. But, oh, is it ever gut wrenching and sometimes outright debilitating.

Next comes the guilt I feel, over not being there enough the past few years. She did so much for me. When she needed someone to look after her, but wouldn’t admit it, I stepped in.

I took care of her on my own for over a year. It got increasingly difficult and eventually, I left and let my uncle step in. I feel awful. I made sure her home was clean, her meds were taken at the proper time, fought with her to shower and use her walker, paid her bills, ran her errands, did her laundry, made and transported her to appointments, cooked meals, and kept her company. It was difficult, but things seemed to be managed. I left and the house got destroyed all over again and she became a shut in.

I feel angry at myself for walking away when it got too hard and angry at my uncle for not doing more. He’s a big part of why I stepped in in the first place. I thought maybe though that things would be different this time. My mom also said I needed to focus on my son and relationship with my now husband. She told me not to feel guilty, that I was doing what I needed to do for my family. Yet, a part of me still feels so angry with myself. I need to let it go, but not sure how. I need to stop being angry with my uncle for letting things get the way they did, with my other family members for not being there at all, and with others, who like myself, maybe could have done more. I need to let go. She was old, unhappy, and in pain. It was time for her to be called home.

Something else weighing heavily on my mind is my son and this court situation. I need to stop obsessing over what I can’t control, give it to God, and pray for the best outcome for my boy. It’s easier said than done though. His well-bing and happiness are so important to me.

I fought the good fight, as it were, nine years ago. If I’m being honest, it went the way it needed to back then. I didn’t see that at the time. I didn’t lose and neither did his dad. Our son won, because he finally had a set schedule with me and that was much needed. His dad retained placement and I saw that as a slap in the face, but now I know it was what was best at that time.

Things have changed drastically over the years and I, along with many others, no longer feel this is what’s best, not for him or anyone closely involved. He has been asking us for years to have primary placement given back to me. His dad either ignored him, said let’s give it more time, or outright said it’ll never happen. I tried to work with him for years on this, but he won’t budge. Our son finally told me last summer, “He’ll never change his mind, Mom. You’ll need to go to court to make it happen.”

I held out hope for a little bit, with every bad thing that happened, I hoped his dad would see this change needed to happen, but he’s just dug his heels in more. So, I decided I was done waiting and would honor my promise to my son, he’d asked me to promise that I’d never give up on him and that I’d fight to bring him home. So, that’s what I’m doing. It’s been stressful on everyone. I pray it goes well, that it’ll all have been worth it. I just want to see my son happy and successful.

It feels good to write about these things, to get them off my chest and not feel judged, like I need to vindicate or explain myself. It’s freeing to express my thoughts and feelings. I hope doing this more will help me live less bogged down mentally and become a better version of myself. I hope this will lead me to take better care of myself, in all ways.

I got a diffuser and essential oils for sleep and stress aides, better pillows to help with sleep, joined the Optavia program to help with my physical and emotional health, am working on praying more to help with my spiritual health, and am now turning back to my writing as well, to help myself grow. Here’s hoping and here’s to my health!

The Cost of Empathy

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Most of the time, I feel my ability to empathize with others is a valuable trait. To be able to put myself in one’s situation and allow myself to feel as if I was going through whatever is going on has helped me help others. It, in many ways, is really a blessing. Empathy and sympathy are two different animals and not many realize that. To sympathize is simply to feel bad for someone and to empathize is to truly feel the sorrow, pain, anger, frustration, and so on yourself. Not everyone is able to empathize with others and when you’re able to use that ability to help someone and it’s successful, it’s an amazing feeling.

Sometimes though, it takes a lot out of you when you feel too much and often times, there’s not much you can do to get away from that. Sometimes seeing or hearing about bad things happening around the world will get to you. When there’s so much weighing on you, it can pull you into pits of despair. Sometimes that very thing we may call a blessing one day, well it can feel like a curse the next. It can be really hard to separate yourself from the pain that surrounds you, especially when you yourself have things going on.

When you’re struggling, some may even tell you it’s okay to take a step back from everyone else and focus on your own life and while you know on some level that they’re right, this overwhelming sense of guilt haunts you. “But they need me! What if I can help?” And doesn’t it sometimes help us when we’re able to help others? Yes, sometimes helping another can heal your own soul and what a gift that is. Sometimes though, it can be too much to handle. How though, do you convince yourself to actually put yourself first?

There is a great cost to one’s self when you empathize with others. We don’t always see it or wish to acknowledge it. Sometimes we feel that is why we’re here, to help others so that they’re not alone, so that we might do some good in this world, especially when there’s so much hate surrounding us. But to open yourself up and allowing other’s lives to touch your own and get to you, well it changes you. It can become depressing, keep you up at night, make it hard to eat or push you eat too much, cause crying fits you don’t always understand, and cause damage to your well-being and relationships. People may ask, “Why do you always put other’s needs ahead of your own?” “Why can’t you tell people no?”

Some find their ability to empathize a great strength, for it takes a lot to be able to do this. To make yourself vulnerable really does take courage not everyone possesses. Some though, they feel it is a weakness to make yourself a “slave” to others emotionally, if you will. Some feel that it makes you weak to be that vulnerable, to feel that much, and to allow it to drag you down. I feel, after really thinking about it these many years, that it is both, for me at least. I think it can make me strong, especially when it allows me to truly help another, to make things better for someone, even if just a little. I hate seeing people in pain, of any kind, especially those closest to me. If I can help ease their pain at all, I am glad to do it, most days. There are times when I feel it does hinder me though. There are times when I feel like it’s too much and that it’s taking its toll on me. Sometimes I do feel weakened by it.

I will admit that there are times when there is so much going on and my mind feels as if it’s going to come unhinged. And while there’s some feelings of guilt for “abandoning” people who need me, sometimes I admit it is best when I shut myself out from those around me so that I can focus on me for a moment, so I can think and sort things out. Sometimes I need a breather, some time to relax and let the stress levels come down. Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever needed to walk away from everyone else for a little bit so that you could fix your own problems? Have you ever felt so dragged down by what everyone around you is going through that you feel like you’re about to lose control of yourself? What do you do when you feel these things? And how do you convince yourself that you’re not being a bad friend or relative? How do you convince yourself that it’s okay to look out for you before others sometimes?

Mostly, I do feel being, what some call an Empath, is a good thing. But yeah, it really can cost you. The trick is to find a healthy balance, but often times we don’t know how to achieve that. I think it’s a learning process, one we may never fully succeed at, but perhaps get better at as the years go by. Here’s to learning, growing, helping  one another, and yet not neglecting ourselves. May we get even a little bit better each day and finding ways to improve both our lives and those around us.

Ramblings of a Bi-polar Nature

bipolar-disorder-mood

Riding high on a wave of intense mania

Energetic and ready to take on the world

That is until some little thing gets on my nerves

Now it feels like everything is going wrong

And I’m dwelling on every bad thing that’s ever happened

Don’t look at me wrong, I’ll likely snap at you

Though after I’m done ruining everyone’s day

I will feel horribly guilty and tear myself down

Feeling like the worst thing to ever happen to those I love

I’ve fallen into a pool of regret, guilt, and shame

Not seeing a way out of the sadness I’ve slipped into

Wishing for a life preserver so I can pull myself out

Up and down so often I feel dizzy and unsure of where I am

Why does it have to be like this?

I try writing, talking, praying, singing, walking, and more

Sometimes these things help tremendously

And I am so grateful for the support system in my life

Sometimes though, nothing seems to work

And I don’t see a way out or feel the love that’s there

I feel like a yo-yo and I just want to cut the strings

This journey has been rough and is likely to always be

But I know I am not on this path alone

What I go through touches more lives than just my own

My mood swings hurt more than just me

Over the years, I have driven many away

It’s hurt when relationships end and I feel like I have failed

Yet once again, people feel like they can’t deal with it anymore

I do have to say though, that in the most recent years

It’s gotten easier to deal with and as that’s happened

And the bonds formed have lasted, not so easy to break

I will say this now, hoping all will understand

Each of you that stands by me helps more than you know

You make it easier to get through each difficult day

You remind me that each phase will pass

You make me smile, see the beauty within

Your love, loyalty, and devotion is my greatest weapon

When great anger or sadness threaten to take me down

Your support wields within my hands

And like a blaze of fire, conquers it, even if only for a little while

Every day is a struggle, but you make it easier to fight

I lose some individual battles, but the war is far from over

Each victory over my inner demons is celebrated

Bi-polar threatens my happiness and my sanity

But I will not let it win, for I have too many reasons to keep going

Many of them are those of you that are by my side

Thank you for reading this lengthy post

Sort of poetry, sort of prose, more like a solo therapy session

Go from this knowing how very loved you are

And how grateful I am to have each of you by my side.

All or Nothing

purple-butterfly

The screen goes black

How did it come to this?

When exactly did we get off track?

No more living in a state of ignorant bliss

 

Eyes wide open, senses on full alert

Wishing to dull the feelings within

To find a way to quiet all of the hurt

But it’s team floodgates for the win

 

One can’t pick and choose which emotions to feel

Wouldn’t it be grand to be able to feel only some things?

And to decide how quickly we can heal?

Why must it be for me all or nothing?

 

I’d like to quiet the anger, unrest, fear, & sorrow

Let only the joy, hopefulness, and love reign

What a happy place my mind would be on the morrow

If I could just let the ill feelings an illness feign

 

But that is not how it is meant to be for us

Every tear and laugh help our hearts be free

For though we may wish our minds never to fuss

I fear then that the beauty too would cease to be

Blind to the Beauty Within

purple butterfly

She saw the beauty in everything around her

Even in the places where many couldn’t

In a rotted tree, a wounded bird, and even in death

She had this ability to see the good in all around her

And yet she couldn’t recognize it in herself.

An anonymous escape from life

They may see, they might know, but they'll never understand

Oscar Hokeah

Kiowa/Cherokee

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