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Posts tagged ‘faith’

Shine On

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Shrouded in darkness, unable to find the light

Told by many that she’d never amount to much

So for years, she remained mostly out of sight

Too afraid of being seen, of failing, and such

 

Somewhere in the dark, someone found her

He showed her that there is joy within the sun

That life is not meant to be lived in a hazy blur

But instead is to be enjoyed, to actually have fun

 

More so, He taught her about a forever love

That there’s one who would always be there, no matter how dark it became

And that there’s beauty and worth within her, recognized from up above

A worth that would burn brighter than the most fiery flame

 

He called her to be seen and heard

If she’d but open her heart and trust

She found truth within His word

Letting go so she could move forward was a must

 

Shine on, for you have a great future ahead

No longer shall you live a life void of light

A life within the sun, that’s what He said

Spread your beautiful wings and take flight

 

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Healthy mind, healthy body

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Some know this and some do not, that a healthy mind and a healthy body go hand in hand. It’s important to take care of yourself, in every way.

A month ago, I joined the Optavia program to better myself, mostly my physical self. What I’ve come to realize is, my mental health is just as important and when you work on them both, they effect each other.

Today, I began a four week challenge within the healthy habits group I’m in, that’s a part of the Optavia program. It’s a weight loss challenge, but it’s more about us as individuals, not for us to compete against one another. This isn’t The Biggest Loser, no one is getting voted off if they have a rough week.

One thing we’re supposed to do is work on a healthy goal each week. This week, mine is to focus on my mental health. I have struggled with mental health issues since childhood. I’ve learned to manage them much better over the years, but they still get the best of me some days. As of late, I’ve been more irritable. The mania has kicked in and I’ve been so short tempered and over stupid stuff.

My grandma just died, a week ago, so I’m sure that has a lot to do with it. Losing her is the hardest death I’ve had to deal with. I’ve lost family and friends over the years, but no one was super close to me, except one friend, who died nearly two years ago. I still have a hard time with that sometimes, more lately for some reason and now my grandma is gone.

She was not just “Grandma” to me, she was a second mom, a friend at times, and someone I could count on when I felt alone, when I had no where else to go, when I needed help with bills or needed a sitter for my son, or just needed to talk. She has done more for me than anyone else. As I write this, my heart aches. I feel the grief tearing at the scar tissue, ready to burst open to painful wounds.

I feel grief, sadness, and like a part of me is missing. Grief is the unfortunate price of love. I’m glad, in a way, to feel this pain. It means that the love we shared was real, that the connection we had was strong. But, oh, is it ever gut wrenching and sometimes outright debilitating.

Next comes the guilt I feel, over not being there enough the past few years. She did so much for me. When she needed someone to look after her, but wouldn’t admit it, I stepped in.

I took care of her on my own for over a year. It got increasingly difficult and eventually, I left and let my uncle step in. I feel awful. I made sure her home was clean, her meds were taken at the proper time, fought with her to shower and use her walker, paid her bills, ran her errands, did her laundry, made and transported her to appointments, cooked meals, and kept her company. It was difficult, but things seemed to be managed. I left and the house got destroyed all over again and she became a shut in.

I feel angry at myself for walking away when it got too hard and angry at my uncle for not doing more. He’s a big part of why I stepped in in the first place. I thought maybe though that things would be different this time. My mom also said I needed to focus on my son and relationship with my now husband. She told me not to feel guilty, that I was doing what I needed to do for my family. Yet, a part of me still feels so angry with myself. I need to let it go, but not sure how. I need to stop being angry with my uncle for letting things get the way they did, with my other family members for not being there at all, and with others, who like myself, maybe could have done more. I need to let go. She was old, unhappy, and in pain. It was time for her to be called home.

Something else weighing heavily on my mind is my son and this court situation. I need to stop obsessing over what I can’t control, give it to God, and pray for the best outcome for my boy. It’s easier said than done though. His well-bing and happiness are so important to me.

I fought the good fight, as it were, nine years ago. If I’m being honest, it went the way it needed to back then. I didn’t see that at the time. I didn’t lose and neither did his dad. Our son won, because he finally had a set schedule with me and that was much needed. His dad retained placement and I saw that as a slap in the face, but now I know it was what was best at that time.

Things have changed drastically over the years and I, along with many others, no longer feel this is what’s best, not for him or anyone closely involved. He has been asking us for years to have primary placement given back to me. His dad either ignored him, said let’s give it more time, or outright said it’ll never happen. I tried to work with him for years on this, but he won’t budge. Our son finally told me last summer, “He’ll never change his mind, Mom. You’ll need to go to court to make it happen.”

I held out hope for a little bit, with every bad thing that happened, I hoped his dad would see this change needed to happen, but he’s just dug his heels in more. So, I decided I was done waiting and would honor my promise to my son, he’d asked me to promise that I’d never give up on him and that I’d fight to bring him home. So, that’s what I’m doing. It’s been stressful on everyone. I pray it goes well, that it’ll all have been worth it. I just want to see my son happy and successful.

It feels good to write about these things, to get them off my chest and not feel judged, like I need to vindicate or explain myself. It’s freeing to express my thoughts and feelings. I hope doing this more will help me live less bogged down mentally and become a better version of myself. I hope this will lead me to take better care of myself, in all ways.

I got a diffuser and essential oils for sleep and stress aides, better pillows to help with sleep, joined the Optavia program to help with my physical and emotional health, am working on praying more to help with my spiritual health, and am now turning back to my writing as well, to help myself grow. Here’s hoping and here’s to my health!

Hymn of Nine Gratitudes

I needed to see this today! Perhaps you need to see it today too? ❤💜💙💚💛

Ninefold Evolution

Grateful are we for our sorrows
for they remind us of our JOYS
Grateful are we for our heartaches
for they remind us of our LOVE
Grateful are we for our falls
for they remind us of our RISING
Grateful are we for our ills
for they remind us of our HEALTH
Grateful are we for our fears
for they remind us of our COURAGE
Grateful are we for our ignorance
for they remind us of our KNOWLEDGE
Grateful are we for our self-indulgences
for they remind us of our GIVING
Grateful are we for our angers
for they remind us of our COMPASSION
Grateful are we for ourselves
for they remind us of our OTHERS

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Dream Big

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Little girl, asleep in your swing

After a rousing go of tummy time

And a nice filling meal

You look so at peace with the world

 

You know nothing about its troubles

You don’t hate, criticize, or judge

No barriers separate you from love

I wish that was the world I could give you forever

 

Beautiful dreamer, I watch you with adoration

I can’t keep you from all harm

But I can teach you how to love

And to take care of yourself

 

May all who know you teach you well

From spelling to math and art also

May you have the passion to learn

All the days of your life

 

And I pray you grow up to be all you dream of being

Dream big and fight hard for them

But never stepping on others to achieve those aspirations

Knowing the value of hard work, but also a kind and humble heart

 

Whatever you grow up to be

Know I’ll always love and believe in you

I see you all grown up for just a moment

But then, I look again and see my sleeping baby girl

 

My words are still the same

Dream big, baby girl

Even if it might be about cuddles and songs

Just be the you that you’re meant to be all day long

 

Life is….

Life

Life is many things to many people. Essentially, it’s what we’re given from the moment we are conceived. But, what it means to us is individualized; it’s personal. What is life to you?

To me, it’s many things…..

Life is being alive, giving, helping others, being kind, friendship, family, breathing, crying, laughter, passion, compassion, faith, beauty, heartache, struggles, sorrow, peace, prayer, art, music, adventure, loving, being loved, truth, lies, deception, the past, the present, the future, thoughts, dreams, ambitions, goals, hope, fear, pain, loss, gain, nature, appreciation, compromise, misunderstandings, fights, manipulations, victory, encouragement, cause, effect, food, nurturing, darkness, light, wondrous, haunting, grudges, forgiveness, emotional, real, and it is unique to each beholder.

Life is full of so much and to experience even half of what it has to offer is an incredible gift. It’s not always easy, but it’s a beautiful thing. To know the wonderful parts of it means one also has experienced the dark and depressing as well. I have wished, more than once, to not be able to feel anything, to be numb to it all, when going through particularly painful things. But, I am glad God never granted that request. Truthfully, I’d rather feel everything than nothing at all.

In my life, I have experienced so much incredible and horrifying things. When asked if I would change any part of my life, I have considered a few things I might. Not being molested or having had to be in the foster care system, yeah, that was at the top of my list. Having a better relationship with my parents and them having a better one with each other, it was right up there too. Mistakes I have made – lies, stealing, and some truly awful things, yeah I have sometimes wished I could take back the horrible things I’d done. Oh and let’s not forget about some of the poor choices I made when it came to friendships and dating! Save myself some heartache, oh you bet! There are so many bad things I’ve dreamed about “fixing”.

But then I’d think about it and realize what changing even one of those things could mean to my life as it is now. There are many wonderful people I wouldn’t have met, including my husband – which then means I wouldn’t have my daughter. If I hadn’t jumped in elbow first with my son’s dad, my amazing boy wouldn’t be here either. If I hadn’t signed those papers in 2005, would I have grown the way I did, the way I needed to? If I hadn’t been friends with the wrong people, would the right ones have come along? There are so many what ifs and questions I don’t want to think about. So when asked if I would change anything about my life, the honest answer is no. As painful as some parts of my life have been, it’s all led me to where and who I am now. The butterfly effect, well, it’s not something I wish to mess with. Instead, I am grateful for the life I have now and am excited to see what it will become in the days ahead.

What about you? Feedback? What are your opinions of life, what it is, what it means to to you, and would you dare to change anything about yours?

Yes, No, Maybe So

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How many of us have tried to bargain with God?

“Dear God, there’s this guy that I love and if you make it so we end up together, I won’t ask for anything ever again.”

“God, I have this important job interview tomorrow. If you help me get the job, I’ll get better at going to church.”

“Lord, if you heal my mom, I promise I’ll be a better person. I’ll do whatever you ask, just do this for me please!”

I’ve prayed a prayer or two like these myself. Inevitably, I didn’t get my way most of the time. I usually felt like He either blatantly ignored me or just outright said no. I would often feel slighted, thinking things like,

“If you loved me, then why did you ignore me?”

“I thought you wanted me to be happy.”

“Where are you? Can you even hear me?”

It’s taken me years to realize that just because the answer is no, (or no response seemingly, which is essentially still a no.) well it doesn’t mean He didn’t hear me or doesn’t care. What it means is that He has other things planned for me, better things than I could have ever imagined.

Patience isn’t a strong suit of mine. He’s sure tested me plenty over the years. Sometimes it’s hard to fathom that my stressful moments and heartaches could ever be a part of His plan. Why would He let His child suffer?

But, His will is good and though it sometimes has taken me years to understand why things happen the way that they do, the truth is always revealed.

Often times we want what we want and when we want it. When God doesn’t follow our plan, it can be frustrating. But, that’s usually when He says,

“This isn’t part of My plan and I know you’ll be upset, but in time, you’ll see why I took you in another direction. Now is the time to wait, listen, and follow the path I’m setting for you.”

His plan and ours often clash, but in the end, which one would you rather use? Me, well, I choose to keep trusting Him. I’ll undoubtedly get frustrated plenty along the way, but He’ll keep reminding me it’ll all be worth it.

Our Greatest Foe – Our Own Minds

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There are endless enemies among us, but there is often no greater foe than the demons that live within us.

Every single day is a battle against ourselves, fighting the evil that’s within us all. But make no mistake, even though sometimes we lose, it’s always worth the fight.

There’s much good within us too and to see it in play is an amazing thing. So I encourage each of you that feels like they’re struggling today to fight, fight to keep those inner demons at bay and let your good shine through. ♡♡♡

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