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Posts tagged ‘emotions’

Mental Health Awareness – Speaking Up.

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May is National Mental Health Awareness month. This is something that speaks to my soul very strongly because I struggle with mental health illnesses and so do many of my friends and family members. I, myself, have anxiety disorder, PTSD, bi-polar – type one, and OCD.

Growing up, I didn’t know what was going on inside my head. I thought something was wrong with me. I must be broken, defective. My moods changed without warning. My thoughts raced and I couldn’t get them to slow down. The littlest thing could set me off. I would cry and not always know why. I’d be extra motivated one day and then not at all the next. I was overly anxious and paranoid. I’d feel physically ill when things became too much to handle. No one understood, most especially myself. (I’m still dealing with these things, but I’m informed now and have the support system that makes dealing with all of this easier.)

On top of that, I was molested and physically abused by my mom’s ex, mentally abused and neglected by my father, and my mom retreated into herself, not knowing what to do or how to react, how to help me, especially when she needed help herself. I was placed into a foster home and went to a few and a group home within the span of a few years. I was hit on by one of my foster brothers in one of the homes to the point I ran away. Things weren’t great.

I wanted to die several times between my pre-teen years and even into my 30’s. I wrote notes, made preparations to leave those I loved, and kept it all to myself. Only those who knew me real well even had a glimpse of how much I struggled and even many who thought they knew me, they didn’t realize how much I was hurting. I either come off as really happy go lucky and people have no clue that I hurt at all or I’m the overly dramatic one, just seeking attention. I can be both and sometimes something entirely different.

Growing up, my issues and I were either ignored, treated like something to be shunned, or like everything was just some way of being noticed. Mental health illnesses and abuse are no laughing matter. They are also not things to be ignored or made light of.

I will always speak out about mental health illnesses, suicide prevention, and abuse. I didn’t always have support and in those times is when things were at their worst. Having that support now makes a huge difference. So, I want to reach out and tell all reading this, if you struggle, you don’t have to go through any of this alone.

There are 24 hour hotlines, shelters, and other resources. Also, I’m here to listen, if you feel comfortable coming to me. You do not have to deal with this alone. No one can live your life for you, but there are people out there who can be by your side as you try to push forward, heal, and get help.

If you see any warning signs, if you even suspect someone you know is hurting, please reach out. We may not always ask for help. Be the light for those who may feel lost in the dark and have forgotten there’s still hope…

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All or Nothing

purple-butterfly

The screen goes black

How did it come to this?

When exactly did we get off track?

No more living in a state of ignorant bliss

 

Eyes wide open, senses on full alert

Wishing to dull the feelings within

To find a way to quiet all of the hurt

But it’s team floodgates for the win

 

One can’t pick and choose which emotions to feel

Wouldn’t it be grand to be able to feel only some things?

And to decide how quickly we can heal?

Why must it be for me all or nothing?

 

I’d like to quiet the anger, unrest, fear, & sorrow

Let only the joy, hopefulness, and love reign

What a happy place my mind would be on the morrow

If I could just let the ill feelings an illness feign

 

But that is not how it is meant to be for us

Every tear and laugh help our hearts be free

For though we may wish our minds never to fuss

I fear then that the beauty too would cease to be

What Does Beauty Look Like to You?

 

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They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So, I would think that beauty is something different to each of us. So tell me, what is beauty to you? What catches your eye and your breath?

I, personally, find beauty in many things. Seeing a butterfly take flight or watching it rest on a bench is beautiful. But, so is the sound of my daughter’s laughter. Beauty, to me, isn’t just seen with our eyes or even heard with our ears. It is felt from within. Beauty is something that touches our souls on an intimate level. ♡♡♡♡

Torn

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I’m tempted to brush my teeth

And I also I want to eat S’mores

I’m tempted to go do the dishes

And I also want time crawl into bed

I’m tempted to scream at the top of my lungs

And I also want to cry for hours

I’m tempted to fight these demons

And I also want to let them win

Which part of me will win right now?

I do not yet know.

 

 

Life is….

Life

Life is many things to many people. Essentially, it’s what we’re given from the moment we are conceived. But, what it means to us is individualized; it’s personal. What is life to you?

To me, it’s many things…..

Life is being alive, giving, helping others, being kind, friendship, family, breathing, crying, laughter, passion, compassion, faith, beauty, heartache, struggles, sorrow, peace, prayer, art, music, adventure, loving, being loved, truth, lies, deception, the past, the present, the future, thoughts, dreams, ambitions, goals, hope, fear, pain, loss, gain, nature, appreciation, compromise, misunderstandings, fights, manipulations, victory, encouragement, cause, effect, food, nurturing, darkness, light, wondrous, haunting, grudges, forgiveness, emotional, real, and it is unique to each beholder.

Life is full of so much and to experience even half of what it has to offer is an incredible gift. It’s not always easy, but it’s a beautiful thing. To know the wonderful parts of it means one also has experienced the dark and depressing as well. I have wished, more than once, to not be able to feel anything, to be numb to it all, when going through particularly painful things. But, I am glad God never granted that request. Truthfully, I’d rather feel everything than nothing at all.

In my life, I have experienced so much incredible and horrifying things. When asked if I would change any part of my life, I have considered a few things I might. Not being molested or having had to be in the foster care system, yeah, that was at the top of my list. Having a better relationship with my parents and them having a better one with each other, it was right up there too. Mistakes I have made – lies, stealing, and some truly awful things, yeah I have sometimes wished I could take back the horrible things I’d done. Oh and let’s not forget about some of the poor choices I made when it came to friendships and dating! Save myself some heartache, oh you bet! There are so many bad things I’ve dreamed about “fixing”.

But then I’d think about it and realize what changing even one of those things could mean to my life as it is now. There are many wonderful people I wouldn’t have met, including my husband – which then means I wouldn’t have my daughter. If I hadn’t jumped in elbow first with my son’s dad, my amazing boy wouldn’t be here either. If I hadn’t signed those papers in 2005, would I have grown the way I did, the way I needed to? If I hadn’t been friends with the wrong people, would the right ones have come along? There are so many what ifs and questions I don’t want to think about. So when asked if I would change anything about my life, the honest answer is no. As painful as some parts of my life have been, it’s all led me to where and who I am now. The butterfly effect, well, it’s not something I wish to mess with. Instead, I am grateful for the life I have now and am excited to see what it will become in the days ahead.

What about you? Feedback? What are your opinions of life, what it is, what it means to to you, and would you dare to change anything about yours?

40 Weeks

40 Weeks

You realize your period is late

The emotions run wild within

Could I be pregnant or is there something else going on?

And if I am pregnant, how do I feel about this?

 

You take the test and in no time, the results are in

That little plus sign tells you what you needed to know

So now where do we go from here?

Tears erupt and your thoughts run wild

 

Your life has changed dramatically within moments

It’s not just about you now, but also about the life within you

What an amazing and frightening thought

A life is growing inside of you!

 

At first the changes are small

Much like the baby growing inside of you

But then they begin to progress

And soon enough, the miracle within you is easy to see

 

40 weeks is the time frame we’re given

Each week, new things happen for both of you

As they grow, so do you

To provide nourishment and room for them

 

When you have your first ultrasound

There’s no more denying how real this is

The doctor has you take a listen to their tiny and rapid heartbeat

This is really happening!

 

And then nearing week 20 or so

You begin to feel them move

It’s a life altering moment

One that can’t be properly described in words alone

 

As the weeks roll on, the doctors run various tests

They feel, measure, and keep tabs on both of you

All the while, you’re hoping nothing goes wrong

Hoping your child is happy and healthy

 

Baby showers and other preparations are being made

For one so tiny, you find you need quite a bit for them

From clothes and diapers to the crib and car seat

You’re trying to make sure you have all they’ll need

 

You’re well into your third trimester now

And hopefully feeling more at ease about their well being

Torn between waiting for them to finish growing

And wanting to hold them in your arms right now

 

Week 40 is nearly here, if you haven’t delivered already

And you’ve gone from counting down the weeks to days

Part of you is so ready to have your baby already

And part of you is scared, even if it’s not your first child

 

But then the day arrives, the day you’re to meet your baby

The pain is intense and you are just ready for it to be over

You wonder how you’ll make it through this

The emotional roller coaster you’re on is pretty wild

 

But then the time arrives, your child is here

You hear their cries and now you’re in tears too

They wipe your baby off and place them in your arms

And suddenly, all is right in the world

 

When it started, 40 weeks felt like years

A period of time that would stretch on for a life age

But then as you look at your child’s precious face

You realize that was only the beginning.

Logic Versus Emotion & A Tribute to Leonard Nimoy

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As Spock once said, “Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not the end.”

I firmly believe that to be true. To be able to think logically is important. But, I also feel that it is important to view things with an air of a whimsical nature. The ability to use one’s mind is vital, but not just the part that knows facts and gets us through our daily tasks. It’s also important to use the parts that control our emotions. Often, many of us don’t balance the two out. Some of us think more with our logical side, while others think more with our emotional side, i.e. with our heart as people call it. I try to have a healthy balance, but sometimes that doesn’t work out too well for me. I am definitely a highly emotional being. I am capable of rational and logical thinking. Sometimes, I am too logical in some people’s opinion. But, often I am viewed as being too sensitive and overly emotional. That’s just how I am wired, if you will. But, I am trying to work on that.

I think it is healthy for us to use both sides of our brain and it is also good to challenge our minds as well. I like to work on Sudoku puzzles, word puzzles, read, and sometimes make up random games to keep my brain active. I also like to come up with innovative ideas and analyze situations and figure out why something works the way it does or why someone acts the way that they do. And then sometimes I like to daydream, think of things that, as far as I know, aren’t humanly possible, and delve into the imaginative part of my brain. Part of me is highly creative and another part of me is highly logical and about concrete facts.

I think if we use too much of one part and not enough of another that we’re wasting our potential. We’re so much more than we know. To explore our minds is, in my humble opinion, essential. I think we were meant to create, think outside the box, and use our imaginations. I think that if we shut ourselves off from feeling, letting all the emotions within us drive us forward, we’re limiting ourselves. But, I also feel if we let that part of us take over, we can become totally irrational and cause all sorts of trouble for others and ourselves. On the the flip side, yes, it is good to be able to use knowledge of things like science, math, literature, and history. Science and math in fact are used daily by many people, even though we don’t always view it that way. But, balancing your checkbook, measuring precise amounts of ingredients when cooking, using home remedies to cure ailments, fixing/renovating things around the home, and so on use them both. It is good to be able to learn and use useful facts and skills to get us through life. But if one only strives to think logically and doesn’t open their mind to feeling and letting their emotions guide them, it becomes a life, I feel, that is not fulfilling. So again, I will reiterate that I feel it is important to be both logical and emotional beings.

I think even Mr. Spock knew that and referenced such thoughts more than once. It is such a sad time as many around the world mourn Leonard Nimoy. He brought so much joy to so many. I know some think it is folly to mourn the lives of the famous. But, I think it’s okay to be sad about those who influenced us, taught us, and brought us joy through their acting, music, artwork, literature, and even athleticism. It is especially sad when those who shared their gifts with the world showed us that they too are human, like the rest of us, and gave what they could to those around them and not just to look good in front of the media, but because they genuinely cared for others. I didn’t know Leonard personally, but he seemed to be one amazing guy who gave back to the community. He cared about his fans and did what he could to show that. So, right now I will use my emotional side and say that you are missed by so many. You gave so much to this world with your talents and just by being who you are. Thank you for all you did, for all you gave. May we keep you alive in our memories of all you contributed, showed us, and taught us.

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