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Posts tagged ‘creativity’

A Heavy Heart Opens Up

I am one who is known to talk a lot, but there are things, believe it or not, that I keep to myself. Sometimes I don’t know what to say or how to say it. Sometimes I am afraid to speak and other times, I just feel silly or ashamed for how I feel. Sometimes I don’t want to burden anyone with what’s going on. Either way, after awhile, it becomes too much.

I am fighting for my son. Many know this, but no one really knows how all of this has been effecting me. My son begged me to keep fighting for him, so that’s what I am doing. However, it has not been easy for me. Mentally and physically, it has been wearing me down. Between the fights with his dad and step-mom, a Guardian ad Litem who won’t return my calls and still hasn’t met my son when she was supposed to do so months ago, playing endless phone tag with my lawyer, my son breaking down and ending up in a behavioral health center, and so on, I have been stretched thin.

This struggle has been going on for years, but now it is all coming to a head. We finally have a court date, I am hoping that I will get placement back. It was supposed to be temporary placement, but that was 12 years ago. It’s really about time that it be returned to me. My son has been asking for this for years and I got tired of waiting for his dad to give this a chance. I did the right thing 12 years ago, made the sacrifice for my son’s well being. It’s time that his dad do the same thing. It really bothers me that he hasn’t been willing to at least try it out, that there’s always been an excuse. Our son has told him over and over that he’s unhappy there, that he wants to come stay with my husband and I for school, but his dad dug his heels in and has refused to budge, not even willing to do it on a trial basis.

After a huge blow out fight, we said we were going to find a way to work together and that since we simply can’t agree on placement, that the court will decide and whatever the court decides, we’ll make peace with it and make it work for our son. Our son said he would accept the decision and do the hard work that’s ahead of him to straighten his life out, no matter where he is. I hope he means it. He is a smart young man, one with a lot of talent, that could do so much. As angry as I have been with his dad, the truth of it is, right now, a lot of what’s been going on rests on his shoulders. He is 15 and knows better than to pull the things he has. There is no excuse for not turning in homework, stealing, telling tales, saying hurtful things to others, and so on. Unhappy or not, he knows what is expected of him and do his best to follow the rules. He has such lofty goals, ones he won’t accomplish if he doesn’t straighten his life out.

It is infuriating, all of it. For nearly 16 years, it’s been one battle after another. I just want peace. I want to be done fighting with my son’s dad and step-mom. I want my son to behave, not be perfect, as perfect doesn’t exist, but to turn things around, to do better than he has been. I want him to do his school work and not a half assed job, but really putting effort in. I want him to respect his teachers, peers, parents, step parents, and just others in general. I want this all to work out. I am so tired of crying, all of the misunderstandings, pleading to be heard, being ignored, not being fully included in on everything that goes on with my son, and the list goes on. My heart has been put through the wringer and I just want things to work out.

I am also dealing with grief that I haven’t been able to fully process. My grandma died at the end of January this year. She was my last living grandparent. I knew that I would take hers the hardest out of the four, as she was the one I was the closest to. I barely knew my dad’s parents, especially my grandpa, as I had only met my dad and his family when I was 10 and was 14 when he died. I hadn’t gotten to spend much time with him at all. The hardest part about losing him was regret from barely knowing him. Even though my one grandma lived for years after he died, I didn’t know her very well either. We spoke here and there, but I wasn’t really close to her. It really hurt when she died, but again, mostly out of regret from not knowing her as well as I should have. I did end up honoring her memory though, by naming my daughter partly after her. My mom’s dad and I used to be close, until I was about 11 and then things started going downhill. I was sad when he died, but it was mostly from missing what we’d had when I was a kid. My mom’s mom was a completely different story. She become a second mother to me when I was 17. She was someone I grew really close to. As a little kid, I was closer to Grandpa, but throughout my later teen years and adult life, it was her I’d grown super attached to.

My grandma took me in, more than once, when I needed somewhere to go. She let me live with her rent free, helped pay for my expenses many times, and yet still spoiled me by buying me and later my son random things because she knew we’d enjoy them. She let me use her car over and over when mine fell apart. She did so much more than all of that though. She listened to me countless times, whenever my son’s dad and I were fighting, when I would beg to see my son, when I was angry with my mom, upset with my dad, depressed, needed advice, or just wanted someone to talk to. We had so many inside jokes and often made up silly stories just because. I could confide in her anytime, about anything. I miss her, even watching QVC for hours with her. I miss her voice. I miss seeing her. And I feel so unbearably guilty for not being there more in the end. For so long, as she was aging and we could all see it, I took care of her. On my own, I took care of her, her home, her bills, and made sure everything was alright. After awhile, it got to be too much and we got help, only my grandma wasn’t happy about it. So, even after I moved out, I still went there daily to check in on her and be there for her. Eventually my uncle moved in and my role as caretaker ended. After that, I saw her less and less. At the end, I had barely seen or talked to her. I did try to call many times, but no one ever called back, not her or my uncle, but I feel like I could have tried harder. Knowing she was spending her last days in her room, barely doing anything, couldn’t even read anymore, it is a lot for me to handle. After all she did for me, I feel like I should have done more….

A little over two years ago, my friend Aimee died. That still hurts a lot, far worse than most deaths I have dealt with have. Only one hurts worse, my grandma. Aimee was my best friend for so long. The last few years she was alive, we weren’t as close, but we were still connected. She sang at my wedding three years ago, which still means so much to me. She never did meet my daughter though. She was in the hospital when my little girl was born and only immediate family was allowed to go see her. She had been in a coma, after surgery didn’t go well, was that way for awhile and then finally, she made it out of that and was recovering. Then one morning, I wake and look on Facebook, as usual, only to find out she’d died. No one saw it coming. She used to joke that she’d be lucky to make it to 30. She had a lot of health problems and had made many questionable choices, but somehow she made it through all of that. Then one day, she was gone. Some days, I forget she’s gone, sometimes I want to call her and then I remember. She touched my life in many ways. She inspired my writing, my music, and so much more. She helped me feel good about myself. She encouraged me, believed in me, and despite our issues here and there, was such a great friend. I miss her more than I can say. Some days are really hard, but I can only imagine how her family feels. She is missed so much….

I feel frustrated. I am trying so hard to build my business and some days, it feels like things are going well. I booked several weddings, events, family sessions, and more this year. I just got my business accredited by the BBB. Little by little, I am getting my name out there and it feels great. My clients are amazing and I love what I do. Capturing precious moments and then turning them into forever memories for others is a gift. Sometimes though, others make me feel awful. Now and then, I get a crazy client who tries to pull some shady stunt or another photographer trying to undermine me or steal my clients. I know it’s all a part of running your own business, but sometimes it can be difficult. I am making more than I thought I would be, but still not nearly enough to really feel like I am providing for my family. I know I am still growing my business and have a lot of learning to do, so I am trying to be more patient. Some days it can be difficult to keep perspective and stay positive.

Sometimes I feel like I am not good enough for my spouse or his family. Sometimes I feel like his family judges me. Sometimes I feel like he could have done better. I know I am a lot to handle and am thankful every day that he is by my side, that he loves me. He loves us, what we have, as a couple and a family. He is so good to my son and has sure put up with a lot. That man has so much patience and I am definitely one who requires a lot. I know I bring a lot to our relationship, that this is a two way thing. Some days I do feel like I am good for him. I keep him organized, on time, am the calendar, make him laugh and smile, help him raise our daughter, get him to eat better, and so on. I just come with so much baggage and sometimes I feel like it’s a bit much. No one has ever been outright mean to me, but sometimes the way some look at me or make me feel, I feel like maybe they wished he’d picked someone else. Paranoia set in, maybe, but either way, I hate how I feel sometimes. Sometimes I feel like he deserves more than I give, more than I am. I struggle with insecurities almost daily. I know many do, as we often our own worst critics. I am trying so hard to be kinder to myself. I am a work in progress.

I needed to get this all out, sometimes keeping things to myself or even partly to myself can be draining. I hope that anyone reading this got something from it. Maybe you’re in my shoes with parts of this, maybe you are grieving, feeling less than, or fighting for your child’s well being. Maybe you’re not in any of those situations, but are struggling in your own way. Whatever the case may be, I hope you find whatever you’re looking for, your peace, sense of worth, purpose, or some inspiration. I hope that you got something from this, that is why I share my thoughts, poetry, photography, feelings, and more. I share it so that those reading this will learn more about me, get inspired, leave comments, want to know more, become a friend, share words to inspire me, and to just connect. On that note, I wish you all a very good night, weekend, and here’s to our amazing community of artists. We write, draw, make music, and more. We create and share it with others. I love it here. Thank you for making me feel like a part of something.

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What’s in a Name?

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How did you come up with your children’s names? I’m curious to know! My son’s first name is a biblical name that means, Remembered by the Lord and I thought would be encouraging throughout his life and I also love the name, just the sound of saying it makes me smile. His middle name is also biblical, but I chose it simply because I like it. Zachariah Matthias suits him, I think. 🙂 Claralynn is a combination of two names. Clara was my grandma’s name, my dad’s mom. She passed away last September. She was a light for many and not just in our family, but in the community and at church as well. I didn’t know her well, but others told me about her through the years. Lynn was Doug’s mom’s middle name. I never met her, as she passed away a month after we’d started dating and I hadn’t met anyone in his family yet. But, I’ve heard so much about her and just by knowing my husband, his sisters, her siblings, her parents, and Phil, I can really see how wonderful she was, how she’d touched so many people. I wanted to honor both of these incredible women. Her middle name is Marie and that is both my mother’s and mine as well. I wanted to give her a piece of both of us as well. So again, what inspired your children’s names? ♡ And hey, pet parents, feel free to chime in also. They’re your kids too! Onyx came to me when I was in the pet store. Black as Midnight, but I wanted his name to be a bit more unique, just as I did for my son and daughter. ♡

Logic Versus Emotion & A Tribute to Leonard Nimoy

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As Spock once said, “Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not the end.”

I firmly believe that to be true. To be able to think logically is important. But, I also feel that it is important to view things with an air of a whimsical nature. The ability to use one’s mind is vital, but not just the part that knows facts and gets us through our daily tasks. It’s also important to use the parts that control our emotions. Often, many of us don’t balance the two out. Some of us think more with our logical side, while others think more with our emotional side, i.e. with our heart as people call it. I try to have a healthy balance, but sometimes that doesn’t work out too well for me. I am definitely a highly emotional being. I am capable of rational and logical thinking. Sometimes, I am too logical in some people’s opinion. But, often I am viewed as being too sensitive and overly emotional. That’s just how I am wired, if you will. But, I am trying to work on that.

I think it is healthy for us to use both sides of our brain and it is also good to challenge our minds as well. I like to work on Sudoku puzzles, word puzzles, read, and sometimes make up random games to keep my brain active. I also like to come up with innovative ideas and analyze situations and figure out why something works the way it does or why someone acts the way that they do. And then sometimes I like to daydream, think of things that, as far as I know, aren’t humanly possible, and delve into the imaginative part of my brain. Part of me is highly creative and another part of me is highly logical and about concrete facts.

I think if we use too much of one part and not enough of another that we’re wasting our potential. We’re so much more than we know. To explore our minds is, in my humble opinion, essential. I think we were meant to create, think outside the box, and use our imaginations. I think that if we shut ourselves off from feeling, letting all the emotions within us drive us forward, we’re limiting ourselves. But, I also feel if we let that part of us take over, we can become totally irrational and cause all sorts of trouble for others and ourselves. On the the flip side, yes, it is good to be able to use knowledge of things like science, math, literature, and history. Science and math in fact are used daily by many people, even though we don’t always view it that way. But, balancing your checkbook, measuring precise amounts of ingredients when cooking, using home remedies to cure ailments, fixing/renovating things around the home, and so on use them both. It is good to be able to learn and use useful facts and skills to get us through life. But if one only strives to think logically and doesn’t open their mind to feeling and letting their emotions guide them, it becomes a life, I feel, that is not fulfilling. So again, I will reiterate that I feel it is important to be both logical and emotional beings.

I think even Mr. Spock knew that and referenced such thoughts more than once. It is such a sad time as many around the world mourn Leonard Nimoy. He brought so much joy to so many. I know some think it is folly to mourn the lives of the famous. But, I think it’s okay to be sad about those who influenced us, taught us, and brought us joy through their acting, music, artwork, literature, and even athleticism. It is especially sad when those who shared their gifts with the world showed us that they too are human, like the rest of us, and gave what they could to those around them and not just to look good in front of the media, but because they genuinely cared for others. I didn’t know Leonard personally, but he seemed to be one amazing guy who gave back to the community. He cared about his fans and did what he could to show that. So, right now I will use my emotional side and say that you are missed by so many. You gave so much to this world with your talents and just by being who you are. Thank you for all you did, for all you gave. May we keep you alive in our memories of all you contributed, showed us, and taught us.

Creativity, at an all time high….thanks to you….

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Upon reading one of Shaun’s posts today, it got me thinking and I decided to check my own archives. I joined WordPress on July 19th, 2012 and have posted 90 blog posts, including this one. What amazes me most is that this month alone holds now 31 of those 90 posts.

My first month, I posted twice. In August, I posted four and in September too. I made one post in October, two in November, and ooh I increased to six in December. It was in January when it went up to 12 and then 28 in February! It’s amazing how much more involved I have been with this since 2013 began! A huge part of that is due to you guys and dolls, my how you have inspired this mind of mine!

Again, I want to say thank you! I never knew this experience would become so important in my life, so wonderful. I didn’t know how much I’d learn, how my perspectives on so much would change. I had no idea just how my creativity would come to flow so much easier. Thank you for sharing who you are with me, for inspiring me, and for being my friends. I have made some strong connections on here and am feeling so very blessed right now.

Art is not a thing, it is a way….

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Whether it be street art, something in a museum, a piece of art in one’s home, or something made by a child at school, (and more) art speaks. Art speaks the language of the artist, sometimes loudly and sometimes you have to quiet all noise around you to hear what they’re trying to say. I like looking at all forms of art because it is a window into the soul of the creator. ♥

Let me take this a step further, art is multifaceted. Art comes in many forms. An artist isn’t simply a painter, sculptor, or drawer. An artist is a seamstress, a chef, a web designer, a car designer, a fashion designer, an architect, a builder, a welder, a singer, a writer, a musician, a photographer, an interior designer, a wedding planner, and so on. If you create something, I feel it is art. Everyone has their own views as to what art is and what is pleasing to the senses. I try to appreciate all that is thought up by someone with a vision and then turned that vision into a creation.

Art is not a thing, it is a way…a way of life. Do you create? What do you do and do you share it with others?

When it can’t be said with words….

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I am one who is known to have the gift of gab. I talk A LOT. Usually words do not fail me and often times, people wonder just when I am quiet. *laughs* I have come to admit this about myself early on. It’s just a part of who I am.

Now and then, words fail me and I find myself unable to speak out loud. I have things sometimes I want to say so badly, but find myself at a loss for words because I want to convey things just right. So, then I turn to writing. Writing is something I have been doing since I was 10 years old. It has helped me through a lot of rough times. Writing short stories, poetry, and keeping journals have given me an outlet to share my fears, thoughts, hopes, sorrows, deepest emotions, and my biggest dreams. So often, I am able to sit down and put into phrase what I wanted to say.

There are times though when even writing fails me. I sit there and stare blankly, unable to get my thoughts out. Frustrated, I find myself stuck and not sure where to turn. But then, I have an ah ha moment! Music, it never fails me. I can always find a song to listen to, to belt out, to share with others when no other way works. Music has been a muse and a friend since my early childhood days.

Music can excite, help one release anger or sadness, inspire and create, soothe a weary soul. I turn to many styles and artists, it depends on my mood and what I am trying to convey. I thank God every day for music, for the ways in which it has helped me to get through tough times and for the inspiration it has given me with my own music and with my writing. Music runs within my veins. May my ears forever be able to hear, to appreciate its beauty….

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