4 out of 5 dentists recommend this WordPress.com site

Posts tagged ‘bi-polar’

Mental Health Awareness – Speaking Up.

FB_IMG_1557364072362

May is National Mental Health Awareness month. This is something that speaks to my soul very strongly because I struggle with mental health illnesses and so do many of my friends and family members. I, myself, have anxiety disorder, PTSD, bi-polar – type one, and OCD.

Growing up, I didn’t know what was going on inside my head. I thought something was wrong with me. I must be broken, defective. My moods changed without warning. My thoughts raced and I couldn’t get them to slow down. The littlest thing could set me off. I would cry and not always know why. I’d be extra motivated one day and then not at all the next. I was overly anxious and paranoid. I’d feel physically ill when things became too much to handle. No one understood, most especially myself. (I’m still dealing with these things, but I’m informed now and have the support system that makes dealing with all of this easier.)

On top of that, I was molested and physically abused by my mom’s ex, mentally abused and neglected by my father, and my mom retreated into herself, not knowing what to do or how to react, how to help me, especially when she needed help herself. I was placed into a foster home and went to a few and a group home within the span of a few years. I was hit on by one of my foster brothers in one of the homes to the point I ran away. Things weren’t great.

I wanted to die several times between my pre-teen years and even into my 30’s. I wrote notes, made preparations to leave those I loved, and kept it all to myself. Only those who knew me real well even had a glimpse of how much I struggled and even many who thought they knew me, they didn’t realize how much I was hurting. I either come off as really happy go lucky and people have no clue that I hurt at all or I’m the overly dramatic one, just seeking attention. I can be both and sometimes something entirely different.

Growing up, my issues and I were either ignored, treated like something to be shunned, or like everything was just some way of being noticed. Mental health illnesses and abuse are no laughing matter. They are also not things to be ignored or made light of.

I will always speak out about mental health illnesses, suicide prevention, and abuse. I didn’t always have support and in those times is when things were at their worst. Having that support now makes a huge difference. So, I want to reach out and tell all reading this, if you struggle, you don’t have to go through any of this alone.

There are 24 hour hotlines, shelters, and other resources. Also, I’m here to listen, if you feel comfortable coming to me. You do not have to deal with this alone. No one can live your life for you, but there are people out there who can be by your side as you try to push forward, heal, and get help.

If you see any warning signs, if you even suspect someone you know is hurting, please reach out. We may not always ask for help. Be the light for those who may feel lost in the dark and have forgotten there’s still hope…

Advertisements

Trapped

902afba9ef0a24951883bab0c0292360

Trapped

Trapped without light

Without light

Without light, no sound

No sound

No sound but the voices in my head

The voices in my head

The voices in my head frighten me

 

Alone

Alone in the darkness

The darkness

The darkness brings an eerie comfort

An eerie comfort

An eerie comfort washes over me

Washes over me

Washes over me with an intensity

 

Depression

Depression takes hold of me

Takes hold of me

Takes hold of me and won’t let go

Won’t let go of my every thought

My every thought

My every thought grows darker

Grows darker by the hour

 

Tears

Tears flow violently

Flow violently

Flow violently into a puddle

Into a puddle

Into a puddle that continues to grow

Continues to grow

Continues to grow until it consumes me

 

Drowning

Drowning in pain

In pain

In pain and begging it to stop

Begging it to stop

Begging it to stop as the tears continue

The tears continue

The tears continue to swallow my soul

 

Numbness

Numbness takes over

Takes over

Takes over as I close my eyes

I close my eyes

I close my eyes and drift away

Drift away to a place full of light

Bi-Polar Unmasked

 

Many don’t know or understand what living with a mental health illness or living with someone who has one is like. It’s definitely more recognized now than in years past and I’m thankful that more are taking this seriously. Mental health illnesses deserve acknowledging, being researched, funding for help, etc. From bi-polar to schizophrenia, doctors, scientists, and more are taking notice and working hard to help those of us that struggle with these seemingly invisible illnesses. Still, there are many out there who treat mental health illnesses as though they’re unimportant, made up, or those who have one are some sort of freak show. Being treated like what we live with isn’t a big deal or like we’re damaged goods gets old. It can be hurtful to be treated like what we live with is just something we can just snap out of at anytime.

Maybe if you eat better, surely it’s just a matter of diet. Maybe if you just willed yourself to overcome it. Maybe if you just get over yourself. Maybe you should just stop being so dramatic. Maybe if you prayed harder. Maybe if you did this or maybe if you did that. Gah!!!!!!

OR…..

You’re a total freak show. I can’t associate myself with someone so messed up. Your moods are just too all over the place. Your depression brings me down. Why are you so anxious all the time? Does it really matter if things are out of place? Why are you freaking out? Is there a reason you’re crying, again? How long has it been since you brushed your hair? I can’t be your friend, you’re just too high maintenance.

Unless you live with a mental health illness, you can’t truly understand how crippling it can be. How long has it been since I brushed my hair or showered? You know, I’m not sure. Why did I just spend money on things I don’t need? I felt a compulsion and couldn’t stop. Does it really matter if things are out of place? Yes. YES! If things are out of place, I feel an agitation I can’t put in check. I MUST have order. I MUST have things a certain way. I won’t rest until I do. Rest? I feel like staying in bed all day. I’m just exhausted. I feel so depressed. The tears won’t stop. I’m a failure and a freak. Why would anyone love me? I’ll just call in today, again. Mania sets in and now I’m crazy cleaning, extra irritable, and ultra hyper. I have such energy. What’s wrong with you? I don’t know. Why are you so touchy? I don’t know. Why are you snapping for no reason? I don’t know. Why are you crying, again? I don’t know. Why can’t you just snap out of it? I DON’T KNOW!!!!

Therapists, pyschologists, psychiatrists, and medications, oh my!!! Say that five times fast! Insults are hurled if we utilize these to get help. Can’t you deal with things without meds? Why do you need some shrink? You’re just weak. You’re just having a few bad days here and there, just suck it up. But then again, if we refuse to get that help, then we are wrong too. Clearly you need help, so why not get on medication to control your mood swings and stabilize yourself? You know, it’s not just about you, right? See a therapist, you need help. No matter what we do or don’t do, we’re failing in someone’s eyes.

It’s a daily struggle, on or off meds. Whether we see a mental health specialist or not, things are still hard sometimes. Fighting your mind isn’t an easy feat. You’re constantly torn. You try so hard to be “normal”. Why can’t I just be mentally stable? Why am I like this? Why?! Why is it so hard to maintain friendships? Why do people turn their backs on me? I know why. I wouldn’t want to deal with me either. I want to hold a regular job. I want to succeed. Eh. This job just wasn’t right for me. Maybe the next one? I want to be loved. I don’t deserve love. I can overcome anything. I am strong. I can beat this. I can’t do anything right. I’ll never amount to anything. I can’t beat this. My past stirs up awful memories. The nightmares leave me barely able to function. The past won’t beat me. I survived. I can survive anything. I am lonely, but I don’t want to leave the house. I want to make my dreams come true. I’ll fight to do just that. Well, maybe tomorrow. Up, up, up, and then crashing down, HARD.

I have bi-polar, anxiety, PTSD, and OCD. I’ve been ridiculed, laughed at, treated like a freak, and pushed away, by many, including myself. Many can’t make sense of what goes on inside my head, least of all me. Growing up, I didn’t know what to make of what was going on inside my head. I just thought I was broken. As an adult, I got diagnosed with bi-polar first. The others followed behind that. I have been on many medications and seen many doctors. It’s been a fight the whole way, with or without that specialized help. One thing I’ve found that’s helped the most is a personal support system. They have made and continue to make a huge difference in getting through the really hard days. They deserve so much credit.

Those who live with people that have mental health illnesses should never be overlooked. They deal with our mood swings, meltdowns, odd behaviors, and more. They help us through. When we’re beyond reason, they just wait it out and deal with whatever we throw their way. If they themselves deal with mental health illnesses, that makes things even tougher. When you have more than one under one roof, it can be a challenge. My son and I both deal with them. Our relationship sure has been tested. Then there’s my husband, the stable one, trying to deal with us both. It’s not been easy for anyone. Somehow, he manages. Accepting us both hasn’t been easy, but I’m thankful he has. Since he’s entered our lives, there’s some semblance of stability. He deserves a thousand shout outs. As hard as it is to live with the actual illnesses, it’s plenty difficult living with those that do. So, thank you.

Things like cancer, MS, Cystic Fibrosis, and heart disease are major concerns and definitely deserve to be recognized, researched, have people fighting for cures, and to have people across the globe raising awareness for them. I find no issue with any of that, at all. I have had family members and friends face cancer, Type One Diabetes, heart disease, CF, Dementia and Alzheimer’s, and more. Some I love have even lost their lives to these. It’s not been easy watching people I love suffer. So I support causes that try to help them and others that live with or have lost their lives to such illnesses and diseases.

I just want to also raise awareness for people who live with mental health illnesses. What we go through is serious and deserves recognition too. So, here is bi-polar and such unmasked. Yes, the illnesses are in our minds, but only in the sense that’s what they effect. They stem from imbalances in our brains. They’re very real. If you know someone that lives with one, try showing compassion, patience, and love. I know we’re not easy to deal with, but we’re far more than the illnesses we live with.

I am not bi-polar. I’m not my illness. I have bi-polar. There’s a difference between being and having something. I refuse to let it define me. The mask is off. Here I stand, telling you about a part of myself. I hope you’ll learn something. Maybe it’ll help you with someone you know or maybe you are dealing with this yourself.  Either way, I hope this opens eyes and minds. Mental health is important. It starts with the mind, but it also effects physical health as well. A healthy mind and body go hand in hand. Having support instead of insults and ignorance is the first step to helping. Let’s all take one step forward today….

Ramblings of a Bi-polar Nature

bipolar-disorder-mood

Riding high on a wave of intense mania

Energetic and ready to take on the world

That is until some little thing gets on my nerves

Now it feels like everything is going wrong

And I’m dwelling on every bad thing that’s ever happened

Don’t look at me wrong, I’ll likely snap at you

Though after I’m done ruining everyone’s day

I will feel horribly guilty and tear myself down

Feeling like the worst thing to ever happen to those I love

I’ve fallen into a pool of regret, guilt, and shame

Not seeing a way out of the sadness I’ve slipped into

Wishing for a life preserver so I can pull myself out

Up and down so often I feel dizzy and unsure of where I am

Why does it have to be like this?

I try writing, talking, praying, singing, walking, and more

Sometimes these things help tremendously

And I am so grateful for the support system in my life

Sometimes though, nothing seems to work

And I don’t see a way out or feel the love that’s there

I feel like a yo-yo and I just want to cut the strings

This journey has been rough and is likely to always be

But I know I am not on this path alone

What I go through touches more lives than just my own

My mood swings hurt more than just me

Over the years, I have driven many away

It’s hurt when relationships end and I feel like I have failed

Yet once again, people feel like they can’t deal with it anymore

I do have to say though, that in the most recent years

It’s gotten easier to deal with and as that’s happened

And the bonds formed have lasted, not so easy to break

I will say this now, hoping all will understand

Each of you that stands by me helps more than you know

You make it easier to get through each difficult day

You remind me that each phase will pass

You make me smile, see the beauty within

Your love, loyalty, and devotion is my greatest weapon

When great anger or sadness threaten to take me down

Your support wields within my hands

And like a blaze of fire, conquers it, even if only for a little while

Every day is a struggle, but you make it easier to fight

I lose some individual battles, but the war is far from over

Each victory over my inner demons is celebrated

Bi-polar threatens my happiness and my sanity

But I will not let it win, for I have too many reasons to keep going

Many of them are those of you that are by my side

Thank you for reading this lengthy post

Sort of poetry, sort of prose, more like a solo therapy session

Go from this knowing how very loved you are

And how grateful I am to have each of you by my side.

Quoth My Bi-Polar, Nevermore

BipolarBehavior1

Upon this ledge, my soul stood staring

Tired of the cries of injustice blaring

Needing to quiet my thoughts before I lose my sanity

There’s too much greed, cruelty, and vanity

 

Darkness threatens to overtake me

Daily I fight the demons within for all to see

Some days I feel like letting them win

Perhaps it would be easier to just give in

 

Tango with the monsters inside my brain

Let them sing that haunting refrain

At least I’d always have someone to talk to

The needs of the one outweigh the needs of the few

 

But somehow I find strength within

Each day, I let that fight inside me begin

He helps me get through each day

He’s with me always, every step of the way

Torn

depression-quote-14

I’m tempted to brush my teeth

And I also I want to eat S’mores

I’m tempted to go do the dishes

And I also want time crawl into bed

I’m tempted to scream at the top of my lungs

And I also want to cry for hours

I’m tempted to fight these demons

And I also want to let them win

Which part of me will win right now?

I do not yet know.

 

 

Ms. Hyde

Image

There is a song by Halestorm called Mz. Hyde and I found that I could identify with it a bit. Living with Bi-Polar disorder, well sometimes I am Ms. Hyde and sometimes I’m Dr. Jekyll, just depends on the day, sometimes the moment. And, one really never knows in advance which girl you will be dealing with, including myself. 😉 Dealing with Schizophrenia hasn’t been easy either, seeing & hearing things that I swear are real and really haven’t had many in my life who can relate. Here’s a poem that talks about my struggles with Bi-Polar & Schizophrenia, how it shapes my life, and how I refuse to let it hinder me.

Yesterday I was all sunshine & roses, just as happy as can be

Today, well it seems that’s entirely a different story

And tomorrow might just bring a whole new wave of emotions

They say it’s due to a chemical imbalance in my brain, but I refuse to take their potions

 

Once upon a time, before I truly understood what was going on inside of me

The things that went on inside of my mind terrified me, the voices wouldn’t let me be

Back then, I was ashamed & kept much of went on inside of me to myself

I didn’t want to know what would happen if I let my feelings fall off the dusty shelf

 

I was already labeled a freak for being poor, smart, & one who cried so easily

To many in school & even at home, it seemed my feelings were viewed as measly

So the voices within & the books I read were my best of friends

I could journey beyond with them to places where evil lost and love won in the end

 

I found I’d rather live my life in fairy-tales, where the characters seemed so real

The joy I found there, knowing they didn’t judge me never lost its appeal

I wanted to have friends in the land called reality

But very few seemed to have interest in truly getting to know me

 

As the years went by, the darkness within my mind grew

Some knew I had issues, but as to what they were, no one had a clue

There did come a time when I did turn to medicine & therapy

I wanted to have a mind that was at least somewhat healthy

 

Pills really did more harm than good in the end, so eventually I quit

Though therapy did often help out, that I can truly admit

It helped to have someone unbiased for me to talk to

Someone that didn’t freak out about my mind hosting a wild zoo

 

It’s been years since I have taken an anti-depressant or seen a therapist

I decided that I wanted to find a way to live without those aids to assist

I turned to writing, music, prayer, photography, talking it out, & even meditation

So now I am happy to say that I can lead a happy life without costly therapy & medication

 

My own brands of therapy have proven to be quite successful for me

Anyone who really knows me has told me the positive changes are easy to see

I found that opening up about my struggles has been a good thing after all

I just had to find the courage to break down that giant wall

 

Gone are the days I let my mental health issues hinder my life

Yes, there are days when it’s difficult to handle the inner strife

And it’s true that being a part of my world can be difficult at times

But those who have stuck around found it worth it to listen to my rhymes

Image

Breathing Words

Where Words Breathe

Rocky

Star

Writing With Strangers

And Making Poetry.

Nature Poetry by Jamie Whorton

Nature poetry, photography, and other poetry

Rebel for the hell of it

Write to express

Amazing Story Amazing Life

This site is about my view of life, my journey and experiences.

tinytotspoetry

I AIM TO PLEASE THE YOUNG AND YOUNG AT HEART WITH POEMS DESIGNED FOR KIDS. READ ALONG WITH YOUR SMALL TOTS FOR FUN.. LET'S MAKE RHYMING FUN AND EXCITING!!!

Ad Astra, Nomad

Creative Portfolio by Melissa Shode

Poetry Prayer Peace

Never take a breath for granted. Pray for the ones you love. Find peace within yourself

Party & Events

Events, parties, celebrations

WordPress Tutorials

WordPress Tutorials

✞♫♪ untamedpraise ♪♫ ✞

Psalm 139: 23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!

Maybe Crazy Help

Helping others understand mental health in a unique way

Organic Tree Nutrition

You are what you absorb

In Dianes Kitchen

Recipes showing step by step directions with pictures and gadget reviews

Emma Ortega Negrete

YOUR EMPOWERMENT COACH TRANSFORMING YOU TO YOUR AUTHENTIC HIGHEST SELF!

FARAH PINKLADY

Beauty & Lifestyle Blogger

Simply Blog for Cash

Simply Blog for Cash Website

SHOPPINGFIX

My Vanity and Closet

River of Word Flow

Rhymes and Reasons

#MILLENNIALLIFECRISIS

I dont have the answers, just a lot of questions.

Road to a Healthier Life

Steering You towards a Healthier Happier Life

t_r_a_v_e_l_l_e_r

"You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi; I can tell that it's going to be a long road....." ~ New Year's Day - Taylor Swift

mynightprayerwriting

original writing

The Dopamine Queen

Slow Motion Accident - Mental Health Advocate - Crisis Counselor - Bipolar 1

Intellectual Shaman

Poetry for Finding Meaning in the Madness

Baby Help Tips

Only The Best Baby Gear Guide For New Moms

THE DREAM MAKER

Poem and motivational stories

Rite to write

biting through art

The One Way Talks

A Stucked Writer in the stories/questions/beliefs of world. The One Way Talks is the page where all the quotes/poems/stories come along.

dellartista

Where Life Is real.

Top 10 Food and Drinks From Around The World

Top 10 recipes, meals, restaurants and amazing kitchen gadgets and kitchenware

The Knowledge Log

Life is a broadway musical and everyday is a song. These are mine manifested as poetry.

Navigate My Recovery

Solutions For Better Living

Silent Songs of Sonsnow

"I have enough time to rest, but I don't have a minute to waste". Come and catch me with your wise words and we will have some fun with our words of wisdom.

inkbiotic

A mish mash of interesting words and snippets from the foolish disaster that is my life

%d bloggers like this: