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Posts tagged ‘anger’

How Do You Let Go?

let go

I am a person that believes in forgiveness, no matter who you are or what you’ve done, not just those that we feel are worthy of forgiveness. And I know I too mess up and seek that from others. So, if I want that from people, I know I should be able to do the same for them.

There are people in my life I still have a hard time fully forgiving. I have let go enough that I want them in my life and that just the thought of losing them tears me apart. And most days, things seem fine. But there are days when I realize the hurt is still there. How do you let go completely? How do you make it so that when the bad memories resurface, you’re not filled with pain and resentment?

I am nearly 37 years old and most of the things done to me were many years ago and yet when the memories make their way to the forefront of my thoughts, the pain feels new. I hate that the anger and hurt still exist within me. I have been praying, talking with God, for years and asking for healing. I wonder sometimes though if the pain will live with me forever and that is not something I want. I want to let go.

My parents tore my life apart from an early age and throughout my early adulthood. My dad preferred alcohol and secluding himself over bonding with his family. He has hurt many over the years, not just me. Many still cling to their anger and sense of betrayal when it comes to him and wonder why I don’t fully do the same. And I think they assume it’s just so easy for me, that I hold him in some false sense of being. I know what he’s done and the pain he’s caused. I am not blind. Some forget that I too suffered because of him.

He called me names, often insinuated that my mother cheated on him and that I wasn’t his daughter – though he always refused every offer to get a paternity test done, threatened my life more than once, put me down, didn’t contact me when I was with my mom – not even on OUR birthday, and just made me feel outright unloved. He seemed to feel zero shame for what he was putting me or any of us through. I still find it hard to understand him sometimes.

Though he sort of explained his behavior towards me and apologized when I was 21, things have have never been easy between us. I did reach out to him a few years ago, because despite everything, he is my dad and I love him. But, I must admit, I find it hard to write to him because when he does write back now and then, his letters are filled with anger at the justice system, family not being there, and life in general. He has burned so many bridges and hurt so many people and sometimes I wonder where his sense of humility is. I feel torn between being there for him and just walking away sometimes. I love him, so much and I have had horrible nightmares about losing him, ones that leave me in tears. But then, the past comes back to me sometimes and I feel so hurt still. Again I ask, how do I let that go?

My mom and I are in a wonderful place these days and I thank God for that. Our story isn’t any easier, in fact I think it might be a bit more difficult. When I was little, she and I were close. But then, when I was about seven or eight, things began to feel strained. I remember how often she made me feel alone, whether she was home with me or left me with someone else so she could go out. The worst was when she was in the same room with me and yet I felt so alone, it was like she was gone anyway. We’d gotten to a point where we no longer connected.

And when I was 10, things really took a turn for the worse still. She met a man at the State Fair, where she’d decided to work for the summer, so she could make some extra money. I know we needed it, she was raising me alone. When she first introduced him to me, I wasn’t sure what to think and then, I thought perhaps he could be a good guy, after all my mom liked him. In very little time, she had him move in with us. Months later is when things went terribly wrong.

He began to molest me and I finally got the nerve to tell my mom, after some time. She told me she’d confront him. In the end, it didn’t do any good and he kept doing it. After awhile, I told her again and still no change. The last time I told her, I was 13. She told me that if he did it again, he’d be out. Yet things still didn’t change and I’d had it. So, I wrote about what I was going through. A friend I had made while riding the city bus to school had noticed me writing it and saw how upset I was. She asked me what was wrong, so I showed her my notebook. She told me I needed to get help, only I didn’t know where to start. So when I was at school, a classmate also noticed I was upset and asked me what was wrong. I was surprised, she was someone I didn’t talk to much and yet, I showed her what I’d written on my way to school. She told me we needed to go the school counselor, so I went with her. I showed him what I’d written and by the end of the day, I was taken from my home.

I stayed with a friend and her family for a couple of days and then I was put into foster care. My mom had been given a choice the night the cops got involved and she chose him. He was arrested, but after he was released until the trial, she let him live with her. I felt so betrayed and part of what still sticks with me is that her mom looked the other way too. She was sexually abused by my grandfather and my grandma didn’t do anything. She wasn’t there for my mom or my uncles when they needed her and now my mom was doing the same thing to me. My mom still hasn’t totally let her pain and anger go either and yet she was able to break my heart. It’s still a sore subject between us, what happened when I was a teenager. She didn’t know how to be there for me, I get that more now than I did back then. Mental health issues run in my family and I know how hard it can be some days to be a good parent and even tougher still when your child is going through it too. But, the pain I feel over what happened is still so real. And like my dad, I have nightmares about losing her and they hurt me every time. I cry at the thought of losing her. She means so much to me, more than I could ever say. I want to let it all go, all of it, but I don’t know how to fully do so. How do you it? Is it really possible for me to not feel the pain anymore?

And, another thing I wonder about sometimes is how can you be overall be so very happy with your life the way that it is and yet still miss parts of the past, especially parts it feels like I shouldn’t? How does one put the past where it truly belongs, in the past, and leave it there? I know we all remember things from our past from time to time, there’s nothing wrong with that, unless one is still trying to live in it. The good and the bad, it’s done and I don’t to dwell on it. The pain exes caused me and that I caused them, the good times I had with them, the friends I left behind and the ones who walked away from me, the mistakes I made with my son and now the fear I’ll let my baby down too, and so on. I want to live in the here and now while I am here to live it. Any advice? How have any of you let go and moved forward?

I feel so horrible sometimes that I still struggle with this, with the anger, the pain, and the inability to let it all go. I know I am only human and shouldn’t beat myself up, but sometimes it’s so hard. I love my family, all of them, and no matter what any of them has done or I have done, I just want us to be close. I want to remember daily that I am not the me I once was and that I am doing the best I can to not repeat those mistakes, especially the ones I made regarding my son. I want to show him constantly that I am here and my baby who will be born in April that I am going to be there from the beginning. I want my husband to know that I am trying the best I can to support him, be a good wife and partner, and that no matter what, we’re in this together. I want my friends to know that I am here and will do what I can to be a good friend and hope that they will do the same for me. Life is about today and making each one we’re given better than the last, about loving and being loved. I just struggle with dealing with things sometimes. I know we all do and I am not alone in this. Blame it on the hormones or just thoughts that have haunted me for years, but I needed to get this out. Any wisdom or thoughts are welcome and appreciated.

 

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Letting Go

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On the defensive, you retreat
Trying to shield yourself from harm
So high and thick is the wall you have built
Refusing to allow anyone to gain entrance
Yet you’re more vulnerable than ever

You hold a weapon to defend yourself
A sword made from angry and hateful words
They slice through your enemy like butter
Feeling vindicated for the suffering they put you through
And yet still peace doesn’t find you

Confused, surely once you defeated them
You thought you’d be happy, safe, & free
Instead you find yourself more hurt than before
Will it ever really end, you wonder
Will I ever really be alright?

The saying goes, an eye for an eye
One doesn’t just let people walk all over them
You have to fight fire with fire, right?
Let them feel the pain that they caused me!
Surely then I will win and this will all end!

Though now you truly see the damage that’s been done
And among the battles scattered ashes, no one has won
Iron fists of hatred tore you all down
The wall you built is in ruins beneath you
Tell me, was it worth it?

It may seem easier to strike back
To avenge your broken heart
And let bitterness overtake you
Than to let go of the pain and to forgive
But in the end, tell me which one brings peace?

Staring at my reflection in the mirror
I ask that question again
And tell myself, “It’s time to let go.”
I open the doors within my mind
And try to make some sense of what’s inside

As pain and hatred make their way to the door
They tell me they’d really like to stay
But I tell them they’ve worn out their welcome
The time for healing has come
I’m done feeling so worn out, so very tired

As each painful memory begins to heal
A scar forms, but they don’t hurt
They remind me of where I have been
And of who I used to be
But they no longer hold power over me

I’ll never forget what has happened
And nor will I ever forget who I was
But only because I want to become someone better
Each and every single day, that is my desire
To be a better me than I was the day before

Each day, I feel a little freer
My soul soars with the eagles up high
On the wings of the most beautiful butterfly
Hope gives me courage to try
And love gives me the strength to fly

When Tears Fall

Heavy Downpour

When tears fall

Many assume that you’re upset

And while that is often times true

Tears can be shed out of happiness too

 

There are many reasons we cry

But many times, we don’t ask why

I have found one thing to be true

They come from intense emotions

 

“I laughed so hard that I cried.”

A saying I myself have demonstrated many times

Such joy erupting from my eyes

Oh what a feeling it is!

 

Fear has caused many tears over the years

When you think you’re about to die

Or lose someone you so well know

It’s astonishing the rate those tears flow

 

Babies, weddings, sappy movies, and the like

Yeah, they make me weep too

Or when someone says or does something to touch my heart

Oh how the waterworks start!

 

They have been caused by a deep anger as well

When someone offends you so

Heated words and tempers flared

The tears within are no longer snared

 

Tears have many stories to tell

If only we’re willing to listen well

It doesn’t make one weak to let your emotions go

If you feel it, it’s okay to show it

 

Some will judge, perhaps laugh

Maybe you were taught only the weak cry

Into your private life, your silence demands us not pry

Not all tears are visible on the outside

 

As the saying goes, to each their own

Though as for me, I do express how I feel

And who I am openly, for the world to see

I am not ashamed to be me

 

But to know me, you must pay attention

Listen well, but not only to my words

Hear what my actions say, one and all

So that you may know why my tears fall

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