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Archive for March, 2019

Just Be You

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Don’t be a carbon copy of another, no matter how good they may appear to have it. You weren’t born to be someone else. You were beautifully made, wonderfully created to be you. So, do that…. Be you. That’s all for today, folks. Short, sweet, and to the point. Now, go and be the best you that you can be. Much love!

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Once Upon a Time….

My daughter wanted me to read a story. Without a book in hand, I simply made one up. 😉

Once upon a time, because she thinks all stories start that way, there was a little girl named Claralynn. She loved to sing, dance, and play all day.

She got out of bed one morning, changed her clothes, and then flew down the stairs. (Maybe she quite literally flew! It’s a story and within such things, anything can be true!) She felt so hungry that she could eat a house, though, why would you want to eat a house? So, she grabbed an apple and devoured it. Still hungry, she looked through the cupboard and found cheese crackers. (Who doesn’t love a good cheese cracker now and then?) So, she ate those too!

La la la la, she was singing a little tune. She envisioned a furry red Muppet named Elmo. Together, they sang his song Elmo’s world and played with his fish, Dorothy. After awhile, Elmo had to go. Other kids want to see him too, he’s quite the popular fellow, don’t you know? So, they sang one more song and then it was time to move on.

Next, she wandered through the house, which became a rainforest. Rain, rain, go away! But it wouldn’t go away, not just yet. While taking in the new view, Wyatt flew by. Claralynn exclaimed, “Super Why!” He turned, smiled, and waved hello. Claralynn waved back. He and his merry band of Super Readers landed and decided to play with her in the trees for awhile.

As the rain slowed, it was time for them to go. They said their goodbyes and she made her way through the rainforest. She went into the familiar living room she’s known for as long as she can recall. (To a toddler, as long as she can recall isn’t long to us, but to her it’s a lifetime.) She turned on some music. She decided then to have a dance party. She danced for what felt like hours.

Dancing can sure tire a little girl out, so Claralynn switched the music from party music to lullabies. She laid down on the couch and covered herself up with her favorite purple blanket. It felt soft upon her bare arms. She snuggled into it and soon she was asleep.

Awhile later, Claralynn awoke. She grabbed a cup of milk and a peanut butter sandwich, had herself a late lunch, and then decided it was time to play again. She put her dishes in the sink, because that’s where dirty dishes go after all.

Claralynn went potty on the toilet, because that’s what big girls do and after she washed her hands, she put on her shoes and went outside to play. She saw her friend and he saw her too. He waved and she waved back. They ran around, kicking a brightly colored ball for awhile and then decided to go on the slide. They took turns, as that’s what polite people do. (Gotta teach them young, you know!)  Later, they rode on rockets to the moon. Within your head, it takes but moments to make the journey. Before long, they were standing on the moon, looking at their world far below. “The world is so small!” Exclaimed Claralynn.” Her friend nodded vigorously.

They explored the moon for a bit. Looking at the galaxy around them was so wondrous. After a little while, they found that they missed home though. So, they ate a quick snack (nom nom nom) and flew home. Traveling to the moon and back took longer than they thought. It was getting late. Her friend needed to go to back to his house. (Surely his mommy and daddy were missing him so!) They said their farewells and she watched him walk down the street a little before heading in.

Claralynn saw dinner on the table and climbed onto a chair between her mommy and daddy. As fun as her solo adventures had been, it was nice to be with her family again. (I’m thinking they were there all the while, but sometimes a girl just needs to feel like she’s doing things on her own.)

After dinner, she went potty on the toilet, again, my what a truly big girl Claralynn is! Then, it was bath time. She was washed from head to toe. Among the bubbles and foam letters, her day’s adventures fell away. She splashed water all over. There was a small pool on the floor. (Maybe she’d play there later too!)

After her bath, she put her pjs on. She got a cup of milk, sat on her mommy’s lap, and daddy started to read one of her favorite stories about settling down for the night. “Read book!” Claralynn shouted when he finished. Okay, little lady, one more book. This time, her mommy read about green eggs and ham. After spending time with Sam I Am, it was time to brush teeth. So she did just that! (Ooh sparkly!)

She gave her mommy and daddy their nightly hugs and kisses, squeezes too! She went upstairs, climbed into bed, laid down her head, and cuddled with one of her Mickey Mouse toys, don’t forget about Minnie! With her lullabies playing once more, it wasn’t long before she drifted off. Sweet dreams of her fun day began and fun ideas for tomorrow filled her head too. Goodnight, my sweet sleepy head. God bless you, my love. See you in the morning, then new adventures will begin.

***pictures taken by me, of the inspiration for this story, miss Claralynn herself***

To be 17 again…

I worked with a wonderful high school senior recently. Listening to her talk about her post high school is future was great. She has big plans and I just feel she’ll do absolutely amazing!

When I was 17, my plans were to go to school for theater and music. I didn’t end up doing anything big with either. I sing, for myself mostly and my daughter likes listening to me sing. Karaoke is a fun outlet I get to use once in a great while. My theater ambitions have just become dreams of old. Sometimes I’m sad for the future that never was.

When I think about where I’m at now though, I don’t feel so bad. Photography has been a passion of mine since I was 13. Getting to capture life’s moments and turn them into forever memories for others (and myself) fills me with joy.

It took me until I was in my late 30’s to go after my photography dream. Before that, it seemed like all my childhood career dreams would just be that, dreams. Finally, upon a suggestion by a good friend and an impulsive whim, I went for it. Sometimes it’s stressful. When I feel overwhelmed, I find I need to step back a bit and lighten my load. Overall though, it’s been a fantastic journey and I feel blessed I’ve been given this chance.

That’s how I started my blog too. A good friend suggested I share my story with others and on a whim, I decided to go for it. Nearly seven years later, here I am, still sharing my story with all of you. It fills me up with joy that I get to do this and that I get to be a part of your journeys as well.

That’s one dream still that I know is within my reach that I’ve only scratched the surface with, my writing. I blog and it’s terrific! I share my life, poetry, ideas, thoughts, etc with you. I want to do more. I have a couple poems published through poetry.com, but I want to reach even more people. I want to write and publish books. I’ve gotten a start to many and only finished two, back when I was 15 and 16. I never did anything with those. My style has changed as I’ve grown. I want to touch more hearts with my story. So, I’m starting to write a book, again, one I hope to finish and publish. This dream CAN happen!

With that said, if there’s anyone reading this that is wanting to take a leap and go for something they dream of and yet just haven’t yet, DO IT!!!! Don’t say that it’s not the right time. There’s often not a right time to do things, you have to create that time. Don’t let others and their doubts hold you back. Don’t hold yourself back either. DO IT, GO FOR YOUR DREAM! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND GO FOR WHAT FUELS YOU, WHAT YOU WANT MOST!!! Write. Bake. Act. Start a band. Record music. Teach. Be a doctor. Fight for injustice and be a cop or maybe a lawyer. Be a parent. Open a flower shop. DJ. Start a business. Whatever it is, GO FOR IT! Be your best you and let others see it! As long as we’re here, still living and able, it’s not too late. We don’t need to be 17 again. We can make things happen at 23, 37, 45, 51, 68, etc. We CAN! LET’S DO IT!

What If???

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What if I never met him?

What if I decided on a different career?

What if I didn’t have a mental health disorder?

What if my mom and dad stayed together?

What if I never signed placement papers?

 

Him? Which him? Hmm. What if I hadn’t met Jason? Hmm. There would have been a lot less heartache and stress. But. Then my son wouldn’t exist.

Different career? Like what? Accounting perhaps or maybe a career in law? Yeah. Maybe. But. No. I don’t think it would’ve suited me, in all honesty. But. Maybe. If I would have found a different path and stuck to it, I wouldn’t have met many of the people that I have. I have made some great friends doing what I do and it’s changed my life in ways I can’t explain.

What if I didn’t have a mental health disorder? Well. I think sometimes things would be a lot easier. But. Sometimes I think then I’d be someone different and I’m meant to be who I am. Maybe if I didn’t have the mental health issues I do, I would be a decent person, but maybe I wouldn’t. I’m guessing that a lot of my creativity wouldn’t exist, at least not the way it does. I don’t know in all honesty who I’d be, but I know I wouldn’t be me.

My mom and dad together? I’ve never known that. I don’t know that I want to. If they had, there’s no guarantee it would have lasted long. If it had, there’s no guarantee they’d be happy. What I do know though is that I wouldn’t have my brothers and sister. I wouldn’t undo their existences in my life or period. My parents didn’t make it. I used to wish that they had. That dream died years ago and I’m okay with that.

What if I never signed the placement papers? Maybe things would have gone better. Maybe all the heartache and struggles wouldn’t have happened. Maybe my son would have had a better life. Maybe. Maybe things would have been worse. I don’t know.

The truth be told is, there are many what ifs we can ask ourselves. I decided years ago that I don’t like the what if game. What if doesn’t really matter. Things happened the way they did for a reason. Going back to old events and imagining them differently won’t change how things are now. Even if they could change, I don’t think I’d want them to. What if? Well, maybe I just don’t want to know.

 

**picture taken of the view from my front porch**

Maybe

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When the life of someone you love slips away, your first reaction may be to shut down. Maybe you cry your eyes out. Maybe you feel hopeless and helpless. Maybe you hold your child extra tight. Maybe you say extra prayers. Maybe you wonder why. Maybe you try to be grateful for a life that is still yours. Maybe the emotional part of your brain aches in ways you can’t explain. Maybe you wish things were different. Maybe you feel guilty for still being here. Maybe a part of you is thankful for all you have. Maybe you are confused. Maybe you are torn. Maybe you are just trying to find a way to push forward. There is just so much loss, heartache, and pain. But, we have to keep going while it’s our time to be and maybe we need to find ways to help others do the same. Maybe. Maybe.

Rest in peace, my dear friend, Latasha Greer. You will live on through your girls, your husband, and all else who love you. You changed our lives and touched our hearts. For that, you’ll never be forgotten.

Through the Open Door

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Through the open door, adventure awaits

You can fly with your new fairy wings

Soar through the sky, into fantasy’s gates

Play with elves, nymphs, and a unicorn that sings

 

Through the open door, anything can happen

You can run as fast as a cheetah does

Or find a friendly centaur to take campin’

Ever want to step inside a beehive and listen to the buzz?

 

Through the open door, that’s where you witness the magic

Climb a great sycamore with the squirrels and chipmunks

See a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly is a great trick

Have you ever played with an otter that has such spunk?

 

Through the open door, you can decide what to do or where to go

You can even decide to be someone or something new

Want to help the sun rise or help a great river flow?

Dance with a dinosaur or live in a tree, there’s nothing you can’t do

 

 

***photo taken last year, at Ridge Run***

 

 

Trapped

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Trapped

Trapped without light

Without light

Without light, no sound

No sound

No sound but the voices in my head

The voices in my head

The voices in my head frighten me

 

Alone

Alone in the darkness

The darkness

The darkness brings an eerie comfort

An eerie comfort

An eerie comfort washes over me

Washes over me

Washes over me with an intensity

 

Depression

Depression takes hold of me

Takes hold of me

Takes hold of me and won’t let go

Won’t let go of my every thought

My every thought

My every thought grows darker

Grows darker by the hour

 

Tears

Tears flow violently

Flow violently

Flow violently into a puddle

Into a puddle

Into a puddle that continues to grow

Continues to grow

Continues to grow until it consumes me

 

Drowning

Drowning in pain

In pain

In pain and begging it to stop

Begging it to stop

Begging it to stop as the tears continue

The tears continue

The tears continue to swallow my soul

 

Numbness

Numbness takes over

Takes over

Takes over as I close my eyes

I close my eyes

I close my eyes and drift away

Drift away to a place full of light

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