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Starting Over….

proud mother

Those of you that have read my blog quite a bit know that I have a 12, nearly 13, year old son. We’ve had our challenges, but he’s beginning to grow, mature, and discover who he wants to become. For a 12 year old, he’s gone through more than most of his friends have.

It’s become quite common to live in split households, something that wasn’t common when I was growing up. And, it’s also not so uncommon for someone to have step-parents, which he now has in both homes. I have a step-mom. But, that doesn’t make it easy on someone, just because you know you’re not the only one out there going through it.

His dad and I have been at odds from the beginning and for awhile, it was very bad. I had to get a lawyer, there was mediation, and court dates. Our son was caught in the middle of it all and that should never have been the case. His dad and I do get a long a lot better now, as we too have grown and matured. Though, we still have our moments when we butt heads, but overall we are able to work together, along with our spouses, to give our son a good life.

Zach has had to adjust to all of that and since June, a baby brother that his dad and step-mom had. He’s been quite jealous, as is understandable as he’s been an only child for nearly 13 years. He’d reverted to a young child like state for awhile. He’s beginning to come around. Now, he’s going to have to go through the same thing in our home as well.

I found out nearly three weeks ago that I am pregnant. By the time our child is born, my son will be 13 and a half. This will be completely new territory for my husband, as this will be his first child. He has nephews and now a young niece, but that’s not the same thing at all as having your own child. And for me, this will be starting all over again. One could say it’s like riding a bike, you don’t forget how to deal with babies, but the truth is, every child is different. I have no idea what our child will be like and yes, while it looked like “the end” was in sight per say, I am quite excited.

I love my son more than life itself. But, I do sometimes feel very badly about not giving him the life I’d once sworn I would give my children. When I was growing up, I told myself that things would be different when I became a mom. I would fall in love and be married to my best friend first and then together, we would raise our children. Life would not be perfect, this is something I’d learned early on. I knew there would be struggles, sad times, and there would be moments when I’d wonder how things would work out. But, with my partner, I knew I wouldn’t be alone and that we’d face it all together.

Well, that’s not how my story went. My son’s father and I didn’t even date. Heck, we weren’t even friends really. It was sex and nothing more to him. For me, I can’t say that it was love either, but I did have feelings for him that went beyond lust. I still can’t really put my finger on how I felt about him. It was strange, I just felt oddly connected to him, like he was supposed to be in my life. Well, God knew Zach was to come into our lives, so it doesn’t really matter now what either of us were thinking or feeling. What happened gave us our son and I don’t for a second regret that.

The situation has changed for me this time around. Now, this time I am married to my best friend and partner. This time, I won’t be at odds with my baby’s father, won’t be fighting with him about who gets to see our child when, and this time we’ll be working together from the very beginning. I think this will make a wold of difference. This child will have a better life, one that I wanted my son to have, one that he’ll never have. But, I mustn’t beat myself up over that. The life my son has now may not be ideal, but it is not a bad one either.

My son has not only two parents that love him, but two step-parents that love him as well. And from there, he also has a lot more family who has welcomed him and who love him like we do. He has a lot of support and I am truly grateful for the life he has now. Things were rough in the beginning, but things have turned around. A child doesn’t have to live in a home where their parents are married and happy to have a good life. I used to think that way though, that I could never have a good life because my parents weren’t together and because my life was so broken. The trick is to find ways to put those broken pieces of who you are together. You may not be who you were, but perhaps someone better, someone wiser, someone stronger, and someone happier.

My two children will have very different lives, but one thing that they will both have in common is that their mother loves them with all of her heart and will do all she can to give them the best life possible. Also, my husband will be there for them both as well, giving all he is to making sure they have a good life. Our children will have family, support, encouragement, and so much love.

Here’s to starting over and here’s to a happy and healthy baby in May of 2016….

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