I was inspired by Evan‘s blog today. Sometimes it is hard to give yourself credit for where you currently are in life because we’re often too busy dwelling on where we want to be instead of where we are now, what we have already accomplished. I am so guilty of doing that, so busy focusing on what I haven’t yet achieved. I beat myself up too much mentally, so many of us do, perhaps without even realizing it. We can be our worst critics and find it hard to accept praise when we feel we could have done so much better or that we should be in a better place than where we are.
If you met up with my 16 year old self and asked me where I’d be when I am my current age of 34, I would have given you an answer like this: I’d have graduated college, be working a job I really love, be happily married, and have two or three kids. I’d be the soccer mom, taking her kids to their practices, still busy writing and maybe even have something published, be active in church and probably a member of the choir, and just have an overall busy and successful life.
If you’d asked me that same question when I was 25, I’d probably has said: I know I didn’t do it as early as I’d planned, but I will still be done with school, working a decent job, maybe happily married, at least happily dating a wonderful man who accepts my son, still writing and maybe have something published, and hopefully busy with music, church, etc.
If you’d asked me this when I was 30, I’d have said: I will either be done with school or at least nearly finished, be working a good job, losing hope on the happily ever after thing…but still hoping somehow though that I have found the right guy, working on my writing, be busy with church and music, hoping to have more time with my son, and just trying to do the best that I can.
Here I am now at 34, not exactly where I’d envisioned myself. I, for so long, berated myself as many other people did for not being successful, for not being like so many others in my family. This last year has changed a lot, not just my circumstances, but how I view myself, my past, my present, and my future. I may not have a degree, a husband, any of my writing published, and so on, BUT…I have accomplished quite a bit.
My 20-23 year old self was consumed with being accepted, hanging out with the wrong people, getting into trouble, and not being responsible. My 24-28 year old self was slowly getting her act together, but still had a long way to go. My 29-33 year old self was beginning to feel better about where I was headed. So, where am I now?
I am starting school, been accepted and everything, in April. Everything with my grandma since July of 2012 has been so trying and the old me would have given up a long time ago. I have had my moments of weakness, but I have pulled through. I have an amazing boyfriend, one whom I truly believe I will be marrying one day. He is amazing with my son, treats me with such respect and love, and is good to my friends and family. I am still writing and now sharing it with more people than I ever have before. I am connecting more with God than I have in a long time, keeping my faith alive…which has got me through so much. I am much braver when it comes to my music. I even auditioned for America’s Got Talent last year via YouTube. I didn’t get anywhere, but I did try.
I am bolder, more confident, more responsible, more comfortable with who I am, and am truly proud of all I have overcome and achieved. I may not be where I want to be, but I am a lot closer than I have ever been. I don’t see a failure when I look in the mirror anymore. I see someone who is trying, someone who is capable of doing such great things, someone who has already accomplished a great deal, someone who is worthy of respect, success, and love. It was a long road, I tripped, and fell many times along the way. Here I stand now, dust brushed off, and ready to keep moving forward.
Where will I be when I am 40 or even 35 when I have my birthday this year? I really couldn’t say. I have dreams and goals, which I will pursue. I will also though remember to live in the moment that is now. Where I am now is not bad and I must remember that. My wish for all of you is that you can do the same.