I haven’t posted in a few days. Shocker, huh? 😉 I have been so busy I haven’t found the time to read posts or make my own. It feels so weird not having sat down checking it throughout the day for four days. 😉 I hadn’t even been on my Facebook account all that much. Oh no! *laughs*
In my four day absence, I have been busy running errands, job hunting, spending time with friends, and making some changes in my life. The biggest change happening for me right now is that I am joining the gym with my boyfriend. He’s going to put me on his account and I will have the minimal membership for $10 a month, but it includes everything I need. I will be able to come in, do my cardio, do some lifts, and work on my goals whenever I want…so I am set.
In early 2004, I was 104 and I went on the birth control shot. I didn’t gain much of anything in that first year, maybe six pounds or so. 110 didn’t bother me much. I had been 108 before I got pregnant in 2002. In 2005, I began to hit 130 and then I was freaking out. When you’ve been so small your whole life, it’s difficult to adjust to this. In early 2006, I was about 140. I was getting so upset, but I liked the effects of the shot otherwise. I didn’t know what to do. By early 2008, I was 169. I had had it. My asthma had gotten so bad and I was so depressed by the weight I’d put on. So, I got off the shot and also met with my doctor who helped me start a food journal. I went from 169 down to 146 in four or five months just by changing my eating habits, exercising more, and even just doing things like parking further away when somewhere just to get that extra push. I was beginning to feel good.
Somewhere in there, I got on a different form of birth control to try to regulate my cycle and help with the pains I was getting. Between that and a huge bought of depression, I went from 146 to 180. I look back at pictures of me from 2009-2010 and feel horrible. In 2010, that is when my huge bought of depression had sunk in. I moved to Appleton to try to have equal time with my son. I got screwed over and I just wasn’t fitting in, though to be honest, I had no desire to do so. I lost my job there and in the end, came back to the Milwaukee area. It was early 2011 when I moved back home, mid-February I began the process and by March 1st, I was done. I had a job within three weeks of being home and was starting to feel so much better. The next time I weighed myself, I was 163. From 180, that felt like progress. The job I had kept me on my feet 95% of the time and I was still trying to get other forms of exercise in like bowling league on Mondays. I felt pretty good about things. I was dropping a little at a time, 163 to 158 first I noticed. Then I was 148 when I finally looked again, then down to 145. I was about 138 when all was said and done. It was about September of 2012 then. I lost my job in July of ’12, but then I was working on the house almost non-stop to get it ready to bring Grandma home.
Since late October, early November, I noticed I was gaining weight again because of how my clothes weren’t fitting. When I last looked at the doctor the other day, I saw I was 158. Despite bowling every Tuesday since October and every other Sunday since September, I had gotten lazier in between. My eating habits haven’t been great either, have had a lot of fast food since beginning dating Doug because it’s been convenient for us on league nights and when we just feel like grabbing something to eat. I have been cooking a lot more too, but not enough. Winter has also played a role in it, with my depression being worse and not feeling up to doing much.
Well, I finally had it. I am tired of looking at my body and wanting to cry. I am also tired of being so out of shape. My asthma gets so much worse when I am heavier. Getting winded this easily doesn’t sit well with me. I have a 10 year old son who is full of energy, like I once was, ha ha. I want to be in shape so I can at least somewhat keep up with him. 😉 I have a nearly 25 year old boyfriend who is in a lot better shape than I am. When I was 25, I had the same high metabolism. 😉 It also helps that spring is on its way! My mood has been lifting. The mania is hard to deal with, but I have been channeling it into getting things done. We’re going to keep bowling, find a summer league when our other two finish up. Like I mentioned before, going to be going to the gym with Doug, about two to three times a week. Also, I have decided to cut out fast food, what little soda I drink, and cut way back on the alcohol consumption. I need to get back to eating veggies and fruits like I used to do and learn to portion my meals better. Just because I can eat a whole Jack’s pizza doesn’t mean I should. 😉 I don’t fry anything, all broiling and baking. I eat whole wheat bread and I make sure wheat is in the first ingredients on the label. I am cutting back on sweets and going to work on moderation. There is no reason I can’t have ice cream or chips, but not like I have been eating them.
I am going to get to my goal this time, 130. I no longer wish to be 104 or even 110. I want to have curves and look like a woman. 130 would be about perfect for me. When I was 138 or so, I was feeling so close to where I wanted to be. I was so much healthier and I felt better about myself looking in the mirror too. I was about a size nine and that’s not bad, got a lot of compliments on how well I’d been taking care of myself. If I happen to hit 138 or so again and that seems to be my limit, I’d actually be alright with it.
I am also working more on my publishing goals. A couple of friends of mine said they know people who can help me out, so I am going to compile some of my best poetry and see where this takes me. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, writing is a huge part of my life. I know I need to do more with it than I have been. I will keep you all posted on any developments. I also need to find time to work on my stories, can’t forget about them this time. 😉 I am hoping this is a year of major developments in my writing career!
Doug and I celebrate five months together tomorrow! I am so excited! It’s also my niece’s second birthday and we’re going up there to celebrate with her. Doug will finally get to meet my siblings, step-mom, etc. It should be interesting to say the least! I get to see my family, celebrate with my precious niece, and get to see how my family and Doug get along. He’s met some family on my mom’s side and that’s gone over well, so not really worried about well it will go over, just wonder how interesting things will get. 😉
I love Doug more and more every single day. Being with my best friend has been amazing. The connection we have isn’t something I can explain. I love how we work together to better ourselves and us as a couple. I love that we communicate, compromise, and stick together. Is it really so wrong that after five months, there hasn’t been any problems between us other than minor annoyances?
I know some of that will change when we actually live together. It’s pretty close now, spending roughly four to five nights together, but I know it’s not the same. Having a toothbrush and few random things at the other’s place isn’t quit the same as actually living together, am not naive enough to think it is. However, if we keep working together as we do, which I believe we will, then I know we will make things work. We already talk about things like cleaning, helping one another out, having our own identity be represented in the home, etc. We know we can’t be fully prepared for how it will be, but we want to at least be as ready as we can be. He’s messy, I know this already. I am a neat freak and have major O.C.D. issues with being overly tidy and organized, he knows this already. 😉 We work together on it. We embrace our differences as well as our similarities. For the first time in my life, I finally am getting this relationship thing right. It’s about us, not just him or me. We share in our sorrows and struggles, as well as our joys and triumphs. We don’t always agree on things, but we talk about them and try to understand where the other one is coming from. When a compromise can be made, we do it and when one can’t be, we respect the other and don’t put them down for how they feel.
He’s nine years my junior and yet in some ways he is more mature than I am. He is traditional, down to earth, respectful, hardworking, and very stable. I admire him so much. He sees past the bi-polar, the O.C.D., my random quirkiness, and sees the heart of me. We both love God with our whole hearts and want to honor Him. We’re both tied strongly to our families and to our friends. Our core values are the same and that is huge. We’re both stubborn, but he has more patience than I do, for most things. He is simply outstanding with my son. My son adores him, largely because Doug spends time with him, talks to him, and really wants to be a part of his life. Seeing me happy helps, I know my kiddo just wants me to be happy like his dad is with his step-mom.
Well, Jason and I are finally getting there! We’re both in positive relationships and along with getting older and maturing, it’s gotten easier for he and I to work together to parent our son. That helps with my stress too, not constantly fighting with him. I think things are finally going to be alright and Zach’s stress should ease now as well. Knowing we couldn’t stand the other had to have been hard for our son to watch. I never wanted Zach in the middle all of this. All I have ever wanted is to work with his dad so that he can have a good life. I am so happy we’re finally doing this, it’s great for us and a lot less stressful and most importantly, best for Zach.
All I really need to now to fall into place is to have a steady income. Between working on my writing being published and job hunting, God will provide the way. God has a plan for me. Sometimes I wish He’d flash neon signs in the right direction, but that’s not how it goes often times. He is speaking, I just need to sometimes quiet everything around me and listen. The way will show itself. Overall, I am blessed. My life is so much better than it’s ever been. Sometimes it’s difficult with Grandma, Zach won’t behave, or I wonder how a bill will get paid….but it all works out in the end. Each struggle too makes me appreciate the joys in my life.
So, there’s my update for you! I hope all is going well in the land of WordPress! Enjoy the weekend, spend time with those you love if you can! Me time is great too and if you do get some of that, make the most of it…especially for those who get so little of it. 😉 Much love to all of you!