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Archive for January, 2013

A quick quote and a few thoughts

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A friend of my cousin said this to her today and it really made me think. I would like to share it with you: “Embrace your next mistake, it’s your next chance to grow.”

My cousin was talking about questioning her life’s decisions. We all do that from time to time. But as her friend was saying, “If you’re waiting for the day you know it all and don’t do anything you wish you hadn’t, it never comes.”

How true, you know? Life is a series of trial and error, hit and miss. We’re meant to learn throughout life. The day we stop learning is the day we truly die. Making mistakes is a common occurrence for us humans, but instead of beating ourselves up for our failures, we should instead learn from what we’ve done and move forward. Life is too short to dwell upon what has already happened. 

I lost my great uncle two days ago, now all of the males from that clan are gone. Four brothers have moved ahead and now we just have their two sisters left, my great aunts Karen and Sheryl. I was thinking about that yesterday through the tears, about how very short life is. We all age and soon we find the generations ahead of us are passing on. It’s a part of life. While alive though, shouldn’t we make the most of the time we’re given? Whether we live to see our grandchildren or die young, touch other’s hearts and make a difference somehow, even if it’s just by making someone laugh who has had a rough day or sharing your art with the world…do something to show the world who you are and what you have to offer. 

Life is happening now, go live it while you have it! Don’t be held back by the past, like Mark said…”Embrace your next mistake, it’s your next chance to grow.” So, grow!!! Love, laugh, live!

 

A thought I just had that I wanted to share….

So many of us rely too heavily on others to make us happy and to keep us happy. Husbands & wives, boyfriends & girlfriends, co-workers, friends, children and parents, on down the line to even the people we deal with at the gas station, grocery store, etc etc. want so much from one another and act put out when things don’t pan out the way they want them to. We’re all going to let one another down from time to time and while some may have the best of intentions, no one can be here for us always and forever. One day, each of us is going to die, going to leave others behind. It hurts when one we love passes, it’s like tearing a piece of our hearts out of our chests and that empty place never fully heals. Death is unavoidable, but so is the pain it causes those left behind. Some say, well why even bother attaching your heart to anyone when you know one day they’ll be gone or you’ll just hurt them when you pass on? Why? Life would be rather lonely and pointless if we didn’t love. We shouldn’t count on anyone to make us and keep us happy, that happiness needs to come from being content with who we are as individuals first…though I firmly believe there’s nothing wrong with admitting that the presence of others enriches our lives, brings us joy. We’re meant to love one another and bring joy and light to one another. However, we must learn how to be happy on our own as well. How can we truly be happy with others if we’re not first happy with who we are? It’s easier to bring that light and love to one another if we’re already content in life. Don’t mind me, just in an odd mood at the moment. ♥

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You can have Edward and Jacob, I choose Seth

I had up until recently compared my love life to that of Bella Swan’s from the Twilight saga. In so many ways, it seemed to fit.

I had my Edward. I met him and we fell in love instantaneously. The spark was so bright, the fire ignited, so intense, so real. So often there were people who didn’t like our relationship, people thought he was all wrong for me, but I always fought them on it. People just didn’t understand after all.

We were on and off, but always found our way back to one another. Just as things seemed to be going well again, he took off for Minnesota because his job offered him a promotion. I was heartbroken for he did not wish to take me with, wanted to do this alone. His goodbye lacked emotion, oh wait, I didn’t even get a goodbye. I yelled at him for that and we didn’t speak for a month. Then he came home for a visit and made sure to run into me so that we could talk. As had become commonplace, we’d fight, not speak, and then he’d make sure to see me so we could straighten things out. Though this had become pattern, I wasn’t ready to let him go. I didn’t care what anyone said. He was still my Edward, this was just going to take time to work. My Edward did at one point ask me to join him and I was over the moon happy, but then he went back to being distant and ignored me. I was hurt and confused.

In that time while Edward was in Minnesota and remaining silent, I met my Jacob. We too became close and rather quickly, though not as quickly as my Edward and I had. I was lonely, I really missed Edward. I was drawn to Jacob immediately though, those piercing blue eyes captivated me. We talked a couple of times where we’d met, then we finally exchanged numbers. Our friendship grew rapidly and then a romantic connection was forged. Jacob was a good friend and now more than that.

Then Edward had to come home to Wisconsin, things just didn’t work out up there. Uh oh. What was I going to do? I loved two men and I wasn’t sure what either of them wanted. Edward said in time that we’d probably end up back together, but wasn’t ready yet because he wanted to get his life back on track. Jacob said he didn’t know what he wanted and wasn’t ready for a commitment because he too had too many things he wanted to take care of first.

Yeah, so it’s not quite Bella Swan’s story, but it had a lot in common with it. I was caught between two men who said they cared for me. My Edward left, my Jacob was there for me while he was gone and I fell for him, then Edward returned and I knew I was more drawn to Edward, but my heart knew I loved Jacob too.

My ending is very different. I didn’t choose Edward or Jacob. Neither one of them were right for me. I throw a twist into my version of the story. Through odd circumstances, I become close to Seth Clearwater. He and I start out as friends, just friends. He was there for me when I needed someone to talk to or just hang out with. Very quickly, that friendship grows and I realize he’s become my best friend. I can talk to him about anything and he never judged me. He made me laugh and smile every time we hung out. I knew I could count on him. I saw just how good and loyal of a friend he is. It didn’t take long from then for me to realize I was falling in love with my best friend. Seth was younger than either Edward or Jacob and yet, he was more mature, stable, and not so selfish. He truly cared about me and wasn’t just there when it worked out for him. He made me feel truly appreciated, special, worth something.

I felt there was something special growing between Seth and I, so I said something to him about it, asked him how he felt. At first, he did admit to liking me, but he held back, said we’d be better suited as friends. My heart fell. But, it didn’t take long for him to sort things out, to come around. He too was scared, scared of losing the friendship we’d been building, afraid of being hurt because the one he’d given his heart to was very careless with it and pulled it through the wringer. He decided to give things a chance though, just wanted to go slowly. We agreed that we’d both rushed our last relationships and wanted to take our time, really get to know one another.

Somehow though, it hasn’t taken that long for things to become serious and something stable and long lasting. It’s been just over three months since we started dating and in many ways, it feels like we’ve been together for a lifetime. I am not enchanted by vampires and werewolves, but my story certainly has had a lot of twists and turns. I am like Bella in that I am a brunette, quite klutzy, and had a heart that was confused as to which direction to go. Also, in the end, I was able to find my way to the one I truly belong with and now I have my prince charming. He doesn’t sparkle, turn into a wolf, ride a white horse, live in a castle, or any of that, but he made me rich just by loving me. I don’t care how corny any of it sounds, I love him with all I have and I want to make sure that each day he knows how valued, special, and so very loved he is.

Love doesn’t always pan out the way you want it to. Sometimes your heart gets broken over and over, sometimes you’re with the same person from childhood and they’ve been the only one you’ve ever loved, sometimes work out right away, sometimes they take awhile, and for some, they never do. Some never find the one they’re meant to be with, some have more than one true love over the course of a lifetime, some just have that one. My road was scattered with broken dreams and heartaches that ended up crunched underneath my feet like leaves, crackling and then the pieces were blown all over. Though around another bend, just when I was saying to myself that I am done trying….there he was, waiting to help me heal and waiting to be healed himself. I think we had to go through what we did before we found one another so that we’d know what love wasn’t and then find instead with one another what it truly is.

Sharing some thoughts, some insights…

I have given a lot of thought to some things lately and I want to share the mutterings of my mind with you.

For so long, I went around saying that love can be cruel, full of heartache and sorrow. I now view this differently. It is not love itself that causes heartache, that causes one to hurt. What causes the pain is the absence of love. Love itself has the power to help, to heal, to change hearts for the better. When we lack love, when we’re not loved in return, this is when the pain starts.

I am also done blaming others and circumstances for where I am in life, for the things I have done. We’re not a product of circumstance, we are a product of our own decisions. Bad things happen to everyone, but it’s not those things that determine who we are. Our choices are what shows the world what we’re made of.

I am bi-polar and schizophrenic, for years I blamed them for the many bad decisions I have made. I also blamed my mom, blamed her for not being there for me. I blamed her boyfriend from way back when and the things he did to me, blamed him for my heart being so twisted. I blamed my dad for neglecting me, for my problems with not trusting men. I blamed our lack of money and not being able to have the clothes, toys, and such that I wanted on why I didn’t have a lot of friends as a kid. I blamed old boyfriends and the pain they caused for continuing to distrust men, relationships, and love. I blamed so many people and situations for the problems in my life and that caused a lot of needless anger, resentment for myself and others, and pain.

The things that have happened to me over the years have shaped me into who I am now. I do not let any of it define me though. I refuse to be held down by my disorders, my family drama, old wounds. I now choose to take responsibility for my own actions and to move forward with my life in a positive way. I want to tell each of you reading this my decision and want to invite you to join me in this journey.

We each have the power to do great things in life. We can let our pasts hinder us or we can choose to let them teach us and help us to do better now. We can’t control what people do to us, how others react to the things we say and do, but what we can control is our own words and actions. I want to do better with what I say and do. I want to inspire, lift people up, help others. I want my actions to speak of the love I have for God, for myself, and for humanity.

The world has many dark places, but it has not yet surrendered to the void. There is still so much light left all across the world. I see it in the kindness that many still show one another. I see it when a guy helps out an elderly woman he doesn’t know get her groceries into her trunk. I see it when the woman behind me in line offers me change because I am 32 cents short of what I need. I see it when my son helps out around the house and actually expects nothing in return. I see it when people give of their money and time to help those who have no where to go find shelter, food, and clothing. I see love all around me. I could cling to the evil that surrounds us, but I instead choose to cling to that love that people still show one another. I have not given up on us as a human race. God’s love shines still, ever so bright.

I am not where I want to be, not yet, but nor am I held down by who I once was. I can actually look into the mirror and love who I see. I am making changes to better my life and the lives of those around me. I want to thank each of you who have followed my blog, liked a post, left a comment. This community has taught me so much. I love reading what each of you has to say. It’s changed my perspective on some things, shown me the light still shines from afar in other’s hearts, made me laugh, made me cry, and just made me feel. Thank you for sharing your stories, poems, thoughts, dreams, pictures, jokes, and so much more. Thank you for sharing in my life as well, you’re all great. Keep up the great work and keep stopping by! Go out and conquer the world, one dream and one light at a time! The time is now, the decisions are yours to make, make a difference!

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The Power Of Love

Some say it’s just a four letter word

Overused and pretty much meaningless

Truth is many do say it absentmindedly 

Not giving thought to what it really means

 

Many have been hurt over time

Due to hearing it when it wasn’t true

Leaving hearts bitter and skeptical

How much could the word mean if it’s so easily used?

 

When true and pure

Love has powers many haven’t seen

Too many hearts are locked tight

Afraid to open up, afraid to be hurt

 

It has many forms

For the love for one’s child differs

From that to the love for their brother

Of the love of your significant other

 

But all forms are real and strong

It has the power to heal

To keep one alive

To change even the most tortured soul

 

Love has changed my heart in many ways

The most powerful bond I share is with my son

When I heard his heartbeat for the first time

He took a hold of my heart

 

I never thought I could love someone so much

So much that I would give my own life to protect his

Without knowing what he was doing

He taught me what it truly meant to love

 

His little hand reached inside my chest

With such gentility

He began to mend my heart

One broken piece at a time

 

God’s love is actually the strongest

Though for a long time

I held Him at arm’s length

Not really ready to trust Him with every part of me

 

I have loved Him for many years

But it was clouded by pain

Doubt and uncertainty refused to completely let go

Anger told me to keep my distance

 

He never gave up on me

Showing His love for me time and time again

Through many people brought into my life along the way

And miracles that saved me when I thought all was lost

 

When my son came into my life

I began to see that love was indeed special

Before that, I really questioned it

Most people who supposedly loved me hurt me

 

If that was what love was

They could keep it

My parents hurt me worst of all

And isn’t that who is supposed to love you the most?

 

I had very few friends and most of them left

Or betrayed me, showing their words meaningless

My family was rarely around, leaving me feeling so alone

Men came and went, never wanting to stay

 

I felt abandoned and lost

Part of me believed God

That His love could heal and overcome it all

But life wasn’t showing me much evidence of that

 

Over time, things have changed

Through God, my son has opened the doors to my heart

Faith in humanity wasn’t totally lost

I began to believe that love could prevail after all

 

Some fences with family members have mended

Some bridges to ones never met were formed

Healing old wounds began

Weeding out the evil from my life became easier

 

Mistakes have been made

On both sides over time

But the desire to change and grow never disappeared

Wanting and allowing love to make a difference

 

God sent many good people into my life

To touch my heart and help me heal

A good circle of friends picked me back up

Showed me what true friendship really meant

 

I watch many of them help those around them

Family, friends, and even strangers

In the spirit of true love, reaching out their hand

When I do the same, it feels wonderful

 

When I do something good for another

It makes my heart whole and happy

During those times

God is most present

 

Then once He felt I was ready

After my heart knew what an intimate relationship shouldn’t be

He brought me to someone who would show me the truth

Through mutual friends, I found my soulmate

 

His love changed my heart in such a profound way

Loving him has filled me with such joy

But being loved in return has affected me even more

I’d never known before what being loved would feel like

 

So many before him claimed to love me

Only to wrench my heart from my hands

Beat upon it till I wanted to die

Leaving me broken inside

 

After some time, I’d lost hope

Often times I wondered what I was doing wrong

Perhaps I was too screwed up inside

Maybe I wasn’t meant to have someone by my side

 

A secret part of my heart hoped otherwise

As time went by and as I grew

My life decisions got better

So did the people that entered my life

 

Being loved has made me whole

The remaining broken pieces came together

Seeing the love in his eyes healed a heart I’d thought lost

So much has changed in so little time

 

Love is powerful and it doesn’t take long to work

Physically, I hurt less

I get sick less often

When I do get ill, I don’t stay down for long

 

Stress and heartache cause a lot of problems

They can physically drain you

A broken heart can even kill

A healthy body can die when the heart loses the will to live

 

Love can fix many things

When one is truly happy

The body knows it

The heart feels the light

 

I feel freer

Truly at peace

Peace that God gave me

Because I was finally open to it

 

Love, I found, was real after all

I am grateful for the many He’s sent to me

To touch my heart, to help me believe

For letting the power of love save my life

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Believe In Love

A jaded heart

One that’s been torn apart

Too many times to count

For the tears shed, there’s no known amount

 

A wall built sky high

To keep out every lie

Love is people’s foolish notions

Why bother going through the motions

 

You meet someone

They promise you the stars, the moon, the sun

Things seem to go well for awhile

They even convince you to walk down the aisle

 

Then with a mighty blow

Their true colors show

Bound now by a piece of paper and a ring

Doesn’t it now seem like such a silly thing?

 

Fighting day and night

Kids hear you from somewhere out of sight

Lawyers, battles, ugly times

Read this and heed these rhymes

 

Don’t give your heart away

For in the end, you’ll pay

Both figuratively and from your wallet

See your heart wandering, go and get it

 

And if you believe I meant any of this

Then you know nothing of my true feelings on wedded bliss

It can end badly, it’s true

But that’s up to the both of you

 

So many rush into things

Not knowing what the future brings

Led by hormones raging

Not knowing the wars their hearts are waging

 

Others settle for they feel it’s the best they can do

Not believing in themselves enough or in you

Fearing spending a lifetime alone

Not having someone to call their own

 

Some say they’re doing it for the kids

But in the end, the parents fight and take bids

So many do it for the wrong reason

Forgetting the true meaning of the season

 

I have seen it work out

My happy ending exists, of that there’s no doubt

I was once that girl with a jaded heart

The one who was so torn apart

 

But when I let love in

I saw a new life for me begin

Love can be true and last a lifetime

When nurtured forever, not just in its prime

 

I say this to all who are angry and blue

Who have given up on saying “I do.”

Love is not a waste of time, it is real

Don’t shut your heart down, let it feel

 

Sometimes we must go down broken roads

Before we find our prince or princess, we must kiss a few toads

Don’t give up, don’t lock your heart away

Let it find the love that is real, the one that will stay

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What Is To Come

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Looking ahead

The light is brilliant

My future is bright

Brighter than it’s been in a long time

Hope is alive in my heart

 

One step in front of the other

Doing what I can each day

To accomplish my goals

Dreaming big

Ready to make those dreams come true

 

Shards of an old life try to cut me

Slice my chest wide open

But their once sharp edges

Have grown soft

They feel feathery and light

 

I used to let my past haunt me

The ghosts from what once was

Refusing to cease their hold

Keeping me up at night

Planting horrible thoughts into my head

 

They taunted me

Evil laughter echoed in my ears

“You’ll never be free”

They often told me

Bound and chained to yesterday forever

 

The chains were heavy

Thick, seeminingly unbreakable

Salty tears fell upon my cheeks more than people knew

Making the same mistakes I have so often made

Unsure of how to change, how to let go

 

Bolted to the floor

Not able to reach forward

My muscles ached from the effort

Burning, like fire in my veins

Exhausted and defeated

 

Failure was all too familiar to me

I’d seem to get two steps ahead

But in the end

I ended up miles behind where I’d started

Always wondering, why do I even bother?

 

Then one day, I’d gotten so sick of being held down

The rashes caused by the chains itched

I knew I needed to break free

Silence the voices

Find a way out of the darkness

 

Though it was dark and damp where I lay

I was able to find light

I prayed to the Lord for strength

There He was

Calming the harsh waves surrounding me

 

Over time, the metal weakened

Eventually I was able to break free

With my feet finally unbound

I walked forward

Refusing to look back

 

I am no longer bound to what was

The anger, the fear

Old sorrows are fading

More and more each day

Finally believing that I’m going to be okay

 

Miles behind is the dark cave

One in which I will never again dwell

Ahead is the promised land

Peace surrounds my heart like a forcefield

Blocking out the hate that seeks to ruin me

 

I am stronger than what was

For it doesn’t know the power

That lies in Him

Through His strength

I find the will to triumph

 

What was is gone

What is now is amazing

And with each day that passes

I find this to be true

What is to come is the best of all

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