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Archive for December, 2012

2012 in review

My friend Lesley did this a little bit ago and I liked the idea, so I am going to do the same thing. This is my 2012 in review…..

 

 

January-

It wasn’t too eventful of a month. I was still working at T.J. Grinding, was offered a full time position in August of 2011 and still living in Waukesha. (I’d been a temp there since March 14th, 2011.) Life was pretty much the same as it had been for awhile. I did meet Doug then, but little did I know the role he would one day play in my life. At that time, I barely acknowledged him because he was so quiet and I just didn’t know what to say to him. I was still confused about where things were headed with Jesse and I. He had just moved back to Wisconsin and everything was up in the air. I was also confused about Rick. I had strong feelings for two men, neither of which wanted anything serious. It seemed that was the story of my life. *laughs*

 

February-

Nothing much to report here either, still had the same job and still lived at the same place, same ole, same ole lol. I spent time with friends, as I always did and got to spend time with Zach, every other weekend, as I normally do….but it was feeling kind of….stale. Valentines Day came and went with me alone, as usual. But, I decided years earlier to just make it a day about love in general. I like to show all that I love my gratitude and appreciation, but not just on that day….but all year long. Oh, I did get my new car. The Mazda died out finally. So, here I am with a 2007 Chevy Impala….nice. 😉

 

March-

Jesse and I got back together for the third and final time. At the beginning, it all finally seemed like it was going to work out for us. He had just gotten a decent job and was finally getting back to where he wanted to be. That was the main thing he said was holding him back from us being together. I was so excited. I’d dedicated a lot of time and energy to him, to us. Rick was hurt, but I had to follow my heart and see where it led me. It didn’t take long before it went back to the same old pattern of being ignored and let down. We talked and mutually decided it was just best for us to be friends because he just didn’t want to be in a serious relationship. Other than that, still same ole, same ole lol. Life stayed like that for a bit yet….

 

April-

Same ole, until the end of the month. I still had the same job, same place to live, etc etc. I was still trying to sort out my heart. At the end of the month, I was given a notice from my landlord that my rent was going up $156 starting in June. I then began to freak out….what on earth was I going to do????

 

May-

I was scrambling to figure out my living situation. In the end, Zach’s dad agreed to suspend child support payments by way of giving me the debit card my money goes onto until January of 2013, figuring that would be plenty of time for me to get things situated. The other thing was that I have to go to Fond du Lac to meet up with Jason on Sundays. Hey, whatever, that was a huge help to me. When I budgeted my money for my car payment, I just didn’t budget in any extra money, so yeah that was a bind until Jason agreed to help. So at the end of May, I knew I could stay where I was.

 

June-

I was getting increasingly worried about my grandma and wasn’t sure what to do about it. The house was beyond a disaster, neither my uncle or she were taking care of things. But, for that month, I kept quiet still. I went about my business as usual. Same job, same home, etc etc.

 

July-

I lost my job on the 9th. That day I revised my resume, started applying to jobs, reapplied for assistance, etc. I was getting even more worried about Grandma and finally said something to my mom. She agreed something needed to be done. So after agonizing on it for a little bit, the call was made to Social Services and the Department of Aging. My mom and I talked with them quite a bit. July 23rd, they met with Mom and Grandma. That day, she was forced to go to the hospital because her blood pressure was so high. She had to stay there for about five days. In that time, I called the city and they came to inspect the house, locked it up, and they’d given us a month to get things situated. Once Grandma was released, she temporarily went into an assisted living place, but then my aunt and uncle in Minnesota said they’d look after her while we worked on the house. It was also decided after some talking that when this was done that I would be moving in to take care of Grandma and Lyle needed to find somewhere else to stay because the two of them just enable one another to buy stuff they don’t need, clutter, and mess up the house. Jesse and I had a big blow out and it was then that I began to realize that perhaps I needed to move on. Rick and I seemed to be getting closer. It was one heck of a month.

 

August-

I took Grandma to Minnesota and then the house project truly began. It was a nightmare. Mom, Uncle Lyle, Lyle, Jim, Bill, Jessy, & I were there the first day. The guys got the furniture out of the livingroom and Grandma’s bed out. We started throwing stuff out, just anything and everything that wasn’t needed. My friends and I started talking about forming a bowling team for fall. Doug had taken a break from the group at one point and had recently rejoined. This was when I really started talking to him, getting to know him. It was a very frustrating, but interesting month. I was looking for work, but not that hard because I thought I would be able to take care of Grandma and get paid to do so. I thought I had it all figured it all out.

 

September-

Still working on the house, looking harder for work because I realized Grandma made too much money for most of the programs and the ones that would help were saying they’d be taking about half of her income and I couldn’t do that to her. Work on the house continued. It was mostly Mom and I, with some help from Uncle Lyle and Joni too. Bowling league started. I gave up on both Jesse and Rick for good, realized neither of them were the one for me. Doug and I were becoming very good friends and very quickly. He was an amazing support system for me with all that was going on. My feelings for him were changing and quickly as well. I thought perhaps he felt something too and decided to say something…but the initial talk didn’t go as I’d hoped, I was confused and hurt. I wasn’t giving up though….

 

October-

Doug and I shared our first kiss on the 4th, had our first date on the 11th, and then on the 16th, we officially became a couple. Less than a week later, he was helping me pack and then helped me move into Grandma’s house. We’d finally gotten the okay to live there after getting some repairs done, some of which were thanks to my buddies Joel and Drew. I was situated for a day and then Mom went to Minnesota to get Grandma. Three months to the day from the day she was admitted into the hospital and this whole mess began, she was home. I left Waukesha behind me and a new leg of my journey had began. 

 

November-

My son’s birthday was a huge success. I wanted to make it extra special because I hadn’t gotten to celebrate his actual birthday with him in quite awhile. He had a bowling birthday party and really seemed to enjoy himself. Things seemed to be going fairly well. Thanksgiving was great with Tony, Nikki, Grandma, & Uncle Lyle. I picked Zach up for the weekend the next day. But then, right after the holiday weekened was over, Grandma had a stroke. As it turned out, she’d had others and no one knew, not even her. The hospital took good care of her and after a few days, she was able to come home as long as she agreed to use a cane or walker. It made things so much more difficult, but I wasn’t giving up on making this work. With Doug, things still going great and happier than I’ve ever been. He again, was a great support system, though I then needed to be there for him when he lost his mom. 😦 We both realized just how much we’d need one another.

 

December-

Here it is, nearly over. It’s been rough with Grandma, but been hanging in there. I have been on a few interviews, hoping to have a job soon. My birthday was amazing, perhaps the best yet. Christmas was hectic, but also wonderful with the many celebrations I was a part of. I got to see my son, step-mom, siblings, Mom, Grandma, Uncle, Doug, a lot of his family….on two different occasions, Joe, Laura, Hali, Ma, CM, & Paws. My kiddo is actually here until New Year’s Day. On Sunday, I get to have dinner and see T.S.O. with Doug, it’s my birthday present. New Year’s Eve….hanging out with the kid, Doug and I are taking Zach to see The Hobbit, and probably gorging on pizza. When he goes to bed and Grandma is in bed for the night, I get to ring in the new year with just Doug. I am excited for that. I am actually pretty excited for 2013. I have a feeling it’s going to be a great year.

For You Are Love

There he lay

Upon the hay

The world’s burdens upon his head

That is what the angels said

 

Born to save us from our fate

We must all remember the date

It all started with that cold December day

When He alone paved the way

 

Thank you, Lord

For paying the price we couldn’t afford

Thak you for loving us

For doing this without a fuss

 

I love you with every part of me

My heart was locked, but you held the key

Lost and couldn’t find my way

You took my hand and here I stand today

 

For you are love

Sent to us from up above

Yes Lord, I want to honor you

In all I say and do

Something I wrote for Doug

I didn’t need anyone

To hold me at night

To take my hand

And tell me things would be alright

 

Marching to my own beat

Following my dreams

Stumbling, but always making it

So fellas, take a seat

 

I’ve been a woman scorned

Trusting all the wrong ones

Wandering down a broken road

So many failed loves I mourned

 

But then things changed one day

That smile knocked me off my feet

Almost as much as your kind heart did

My life changed the day you came my way

 

You’ve restored my faith in love

Becoming my best friend

And greatest love at the same time

I thank the good Lord above

 

You bring out the best in me

Always encouraging and supportive

Making me smile and laugh

I hope the joy in my eyes is easy to see

 

Miles lie ahead in our journey

Excited to see where this goes

So take my hand and let’s go

Taking on the world together, you and me

Dear Santa

-Dear Santa-

 

There are a lot of things that I could ask you for

An ipod, new computer, clothes, and so much more

Dreaming of sparkly things

Like necklaces and pretty rings

 

But thinking about the world today

I decided I had something else to say

Please, could you give us hope, perspective, and peace?

No more hate, fighting, or disease please!

 

Heal the sick children and let them come home

Let the lost find their way and no longer roam

Heal every broken heart

Never again let any life be torn apart

 

That Santa is what I really want from you

Nothing bright, shiny, and new

Just a world with more love and light

That is my request tonight

Yes, it’s that time again….update time!

It’s been a little over a month since my last update, so here I am again to give the masses a run down of what’s been going on. Some of you follow my posts regularly, some even talk to me frequently, but there are things that get left out and also many I don’t talk to often or even really at all…but we like to know how the other is doing, so here I am to keep you all informed. F.Y.I: If you would like to be on the list of people I tag, let me know and the same also goes for if you’d rather not be tagged. 😉

 

Okay. So. As many of you know, my grandma had a stroke nearly two weeks ago now. It’s been rough since she came home, but we’ve been trying really hard to make this work. And today so far, she’s had a pretty good day. I have been able to understand most of her speech and she hasn’t fallen. Thank you God for that, even one good day is a blessing. I worry so much about her these days, can’t imagine how I’d feel if things had gone differently. She has been a rock for me for many years and I love and respect her with all I have. So, I am doing what I can to give back, to be her rock now. I want her remaining time here to be happy, for her to be comfortable, to be at home. I didn’t know it’d be this rough when I agreed to take care of her, but I know I am doing the right thing. This is what’s best for her and for me. This is helping us grow closer together and me grow as a person. God knew I’d need this experience in my life, that it would teach me and so far, it has taught me a lot and I am sure it’s going to teach me a lot more about who I am, about growing up, about responsibility. I am already becoming wiser, more mature, and stronger. I have a rough day sometimes and wonder how I’ll get through and wonder how my bills will be paid….but God finds a way to remind me what’s important and to trust Him, my needs always get provided for in the end.

 

I am still job searching, though I think nothing has panned out because Grandma has needed me. If I hadn’t been home when she had her stroke, this could have gone a lot worse. I don’t even want to consider any of those possibilities. Right now, she is healing. But, I know God will point me in the right direction soon enough and a job offer will come my way. Until then, God has found ways to keep my bills paid. It’s been rough sometimes, but here I am still, pushing ahead. Thanks to my unemployment, my security deposit, a little help from Grandma for gas when I’d run her errands, Doug, etc….I am hanging in there. I try to give back to those that help, give when I can, grab the bill when out, treat someone to a drink, etc etc. I want those of you who have helped me to know just how grateful I am to you. Thank you, thank you more than I can ever say. I love those of you have stood behind me with all I have.

 

Speaking of Doug, we are about to celebrate two months together. That probably doesn’t sound like much to a lot of people, but for me, this is huge. By two months, all of my other relationships were either already over or headed that way. But here we are, almost at that mark and we’re still as happy as we were when this all started. He still makes me so happy. He makes me feel like I am beautiful, special, needed, and just so very cared for. He’s right there in one way or another when I am having a rough go of it. He does things to show his affection by randomly holding my hand, putting his arm around me, kissing my forehead, kissing my hand, and so on. He’s a great listener, never judges, just listens. He makes me laugh and smile more than I have in a long time. We pick on one another, it’s so funny to watch us. He’s been my rock through a lot in such a short amount of time and as it’s turned out, I have been there for him through a lot too. We have proven we’re a great team, as friends and as a couple. We stand behind one another, encourage one another, believe in one another. We communicate well and often. I still get butterflies when I see his face, hear his voice, or even talk to him via chat or text. Being away from him for even a couple of days feels weird. My son adores him and my mom and grandma think highly of him, as do my friends that have met him, even though it’s only been briefly because they see how he treats me with care and respect and well, because he’s just an awesome guy. I am beyond happy in that aspect of my life.

 

Life isn’t perfect, full of issues and complications….but it is also beautiful. I am grateful for all I have. Zach will be here in 12 days and then he will be here for 11 days. It’s going to be hectic with traveling and the holidays, but it’s going to also be great and full of so much love and awesome memories to look back on. I can hardly wait for my bugger to be home. New Year’s Eve, it’s just he, Grandma, and I thus far. We’re going to eat pizza, watch movies, and have our own special countdown to ring in 2013. I am so excited for that and first Christmas, watching my kiddo open his presents over the course of many days. I am nervous, hope Doug’s family takes to him, but I think in the end, it will be fine. I am excited to spend that time with them. I am hoping to see my step-mom, brothers, sister, nephews, niece, etc over that time as well. This is a time for family. Family is important to me and I want to spend what time I can with those I have while the time is there. I know I will see my mom that time, Zach will happy for that. On the 30th, I get to see T.S.O. with Doug as a birthday gift from him and now perhaps it’s going to be a double date with Vanessa and Jason because they have tickets and as luck would have it, they’re in the same section as us. I am looking forward to that too. There is so much to look forward to, starting with seeing The Hobbit with my awesome friend Courtney which is the kickoff to my birthday festivities. I am going to be so busy!!! But being busy can be a good thing!!! And Grandma, Zach and I are going to fit in a lot of time in that 11 days to do stuff just the three of us. I want him to have a real connection with her, appreciate her and the time he as with her. Family and friends surround my holiday season and I can honestly say, I have never felt this blessed in my entire life. Thank you God for leading so many great people into my life. Well, this is a good enough update I think. 😉 I hope you enjoyed reading!!!

Random Thoughts

I love my family. We’re a bunch of nuts, fight sometimes, don’t even talk often at all to some, and we so have our share of issues, but they mean everything to me. Family, blood or not, you’re in my heart now and forever.

15 days until my birthday, oh my gosh, so excited!!!!! This is going to be the best birthday EVER!!!!!! I am excited to spend the time with so many friends whom I love dearly. And for the first time ever, I will be with someone, someone I love with all of my heart, someone who is beyond wonderful. I have an amazing support system through the bad times who is a great crew to laugh and celebrate with. Oh yes, good times WILL be had….beginning on the 14th and ending on the 19th as I drag my tired and over partied self to sleep lol. I look forward to the laughter, the smiles, the pictures, the singing, the hugs, the food, the drinks, the music, and most of all the love.

Grandma is so infuriating to deal with sometimes, but I love her more than words could ever say. I owe this to her and even to myself to stick with this, with her. I am going to give it all I have for as long as humanly possible to keep her at home, to make sure she knows she is loved, to make sure she’s taken care of. I will only step back when I know there’s nothing more I can do and I am stubborn, so it’s going to take an awful lot for that to happen. She is my grandma, gave life to my mother and uncles. She’s spoiled me endlessly for years and still does when she can. She’s been the typical grandma in many aspects. But, she has also been another mom since I was 17 years old. She has yelled at me, put me in my place, helped me, encouraged me, and loved me through so many hard times. She was an amazing support during my pregnancy and the whole Jason thing. She’s been simply amazing. And, she is my friend. I can talk to her about so many things. We make each other laugh and I honestly like hanging out with her. If I should live to see her pass, it would be the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. Losing her would be losing a piece of myself. But, I am not focused on that. I am focused on the here and now. She is still here and I want to make the most of that. ♥

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