I have so much I want to share with you all today. My mind is a chaotic place, as it often is, and I usually find that writing my thoughts out is the best way for me to sort things out. And, I want the people I love to know me, to really find ways to understand me, at least as much as one possibly can. 😉
Being bi-polar is full of it’s ups and downs. Some days are extremely dark, some days are extremely colorful. I also have my days where I am just here, those are probably the easiest to manage. 😉 Right now, I am riding high. I am extremely optimistic about my future and about my son’s and grandma’s too. I know there is a lot to do with the house yet, but when I look at where we started, I know we have gotten an awful lot done. It’s taking longer than originally anticipated, but I have faith that things will get done and then things can finally settle down for everyone. I know through this whole thing there has been and is yet to be tension and disagreements, especially with my uncle, but we’re all strong individuals who will get through this and not to mention, we all have people who are there to help us get through it. It helps knowing none of us are alone in this.
I see my future, my not so distant future, a bit more clearly right now. I am going to move in with my grandma, to care for her and care for the house. This will be stressful, but it will also be an incredible bonding experience for her and I. I think this is going to bring us even closer than we already are. While doing this, I know I can get paid to care for her which is going to enable me to not only give her something for living there, pay my own bills, but also enable me to take care of some things I have had a hard time doing before. I will finally catch up on old debts for one thing, but there are many more things I want to accomplish like being able to get more involved in Zach’s things. Not having a set work schedule will allow me to pick up my son from school instead of Jason’s place and this will allow me to talk to his teacher in person at least a couple of times a month. I want a more hands on experience with Zach’s schooling. I can focus more on my writing and getting my stuff properly published. I think this whole thing is going to be good for my grandma, for my son, and for myself. I know this is going to be a lot of hard work and I am going to get stressed out, but I KNOW I can handle it and I KNOW we will all be better for it. My son is going to learn a lot in this as well, he will be helping out too when he is home with me. He is going to learn and grow through this and I also want him to form a real bond with her, one like I have, while he still has a chance to do so….
By the way, I want to give yet another shout out to my friend Jessy who has helped out so much with this cleaning project. We have gotten a lot more done because of her and I am so beyond grateful to her. I love this girl so much. And, to anyone who does help in the future….especially with taping up the cracks in the walls, painting, finishing the floors, scouring, working on the gutters, and so on, thank you to you as well. There is still a lot to be done and anyone who finds themselves able to pitch in will be greatly appreciated and we will, as a family, find a way to pay you….both in cash and in gratitude. My grandma knows what Jessy has done and what is yet to be done, we all know that this has been a lot to ask of my friends and you will be compensated and beyond appreciated.
I want to say something about love, but every single time I start to figure out what I am going to say, I get lost. I don’t know what’s going to happen and I am done trying to figure it out. I think things will come together on their own and I just need to find a way to stop focusing so hard on all of it. In time, it will all get sorted out, just like everything else. Much like the situation with the house, it’s going to take time, but in the end, it will all come together. Perhaps it will be like so many people say, when I am busy focusing on other things is when it will fall into place. God is good, I believe in Him and have faith that my life, in all areas, will be as it should be.
Life is rough sometimes, but I think that it needs to be or we’d never grow and we’d never know just how wonderful it can be. A lot of bad things have happened, but a lot of good things have happened as well. I have said and done plenty I am not proud of, but I have grown from all of that. I also know that I have said and done a lot that has brought joy, peace, laughter, and love into other’s lives. So many have done the same for me and that reminds me that life really is worth living, that there is still so much good in the world. Hate, sorrow, greed, and so on have prevailed a lot, but evil hasn’t won. There are still a lot of people here who know what it means to love one another, to help one another, to find joy in the simplest of things. Sometimes we make too big of a deal over things that shouldn’t really matter. I know I am guilty of making a mountain out of a molehill at times. When I am able to take time and appreciate what I do have, to think things through, to remember the blessings, to appreciate those in my life who love me, to let the unimportant things go, to forgive….that is when life is at its best, not when I am worrying, fighting over stupid things, and so on. I need to do that more, enjoy life, fight less, and love more……