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Archive for September, 2012

Will You Stay?

When you’re here

Things are generally great

You make me laugh, uncontrollably at times

I hadn’t smiled like that it what felt like ages

You have helped me begin to heal


You have been a friend to me

Always willing to listen

Letting me vent for as long as I need to

Even when you tell me you need someone to talk to

Never showing any anger or impatience


I feel all giddy and nervous when you’re near

Like a teenager discovering love

You have accepted me as I am

Taking the good with the bad

Never judging me


Thus it was I noticed

I’d fallen for my friend

It’s what I’ve always wanted

To have someone in my life

That is both my friend and my lover


So why is it I am unhappy?

Pushing for more

Because I feel I’m pulling most of the weight

Bending my schedule to meet your needs

Feeling unappreciated for my sacrifices


Once you’re with me

All feels well

I have my friend

To talk to, to laugh with

Someone who is there for me


I have my lover

To kiss, to hold

The one who never pushes me away

When I just need to be held

Someone who makes me smile


But your fear of commitment

Your hatred for titles

Holding me at arms length

When I try to take this a step further

I feel crushed inside


Should I hold my tongue?

Should I speak my mind?

I fear you’ll run away if I say something

And I want you to stay

I feel so torn inside


I want to be with someone who cares

And this I know you do

But is it enough?

Do I wait?

Will your walls of steel ever come down?


Will you ever be ready to really be with me?

To introduce me to the people in your life?

I keep asking myself

Do I wait?

And if so, how long?


I try not to nitpick

To enjoy what is

But these nagging feelings keep eating at me

If I keep my mouth shut

Perhaps you’ll stay


And then perhaps if I wait long enough

You’ll see what you have standing in front of you

We’ll move forward together

Growing the friendship

Taking the love to new heights


But perhaps I’d see I waited for nothing

That you’d never be ready

And I passed on chances to be truly happy

Such a tough call

So unsure of what to do


I have been here before

There is a time and place for things

A time to wait and a time to go

I want to go places with you

For what we have to grow


Sometimes I see that you want that too

But there’s always something holding you back

I know your past has been rough

But mine has been too

And I just want to move beyond it, with you


When you look at me

I see so much

I can feel the joy

Sense the fear

And taste the passion


When you’re with me

I feel as if it’s where you truly want to be

I don’t feel like second best

What’s between us is real

The heat, the passion, the compassion, the friendship


When I cry

You hold me

When I’m stressed

You try to make me laugh

You always seem to know how to be there


So are my issues just me thinking too much?

Expecting too much too soon?

Am I sending another relationship down the tubes?

I sit here and ask myself so many questions

Trying to figure everything out


Are my issues validated?

Do I have reason for concern?

Do I speak my mind?

Will you listen?

Will you run?


If I speak my mind

Will you stick around?

Will you run away?

Will you listen?

Again, I want to know if you’ll stay?

Farewell to What Once Was

Just sitting among the clouds

Feeling weightless

Loved and adored

Nothing could bring me down

Not from way up here


Cloud nine had nothing on the way I felt

When you were with me

Your very name brought a smile to my lips

Hearing your voice was the sweetest sound

I never thought this kind of happiness existed


I shared some of my brightest moments with you

For you, my dear, were my sun

You showed me how it felt to be truly happy

Light, love, and laughter filled my heart

I can still remember how I felt once upon a time


Though joy, happiness, & love were not all I felt

After some time, the darkness came out

Fighting over little things

Distance began to grow

After awhile, I couldn’t touch your hand anymore


The light in my heart began to fade

I started to fall from the sky

Seas of lonliness took me

Tried to drown me

Struggling to keep my head above water


We fought over stupid things

Your voice became rough

Hurtful words fell from your lips

Cutting my skin like knives

Piercing my heart


Then the rain would slow

The waters would still

Peace would find its way back into my heart

We’d make up

And all would seem well


I would start to feel whole again

But things would be going too well

And the fighting would start again

The waters would try to take me down once more

The storm felt neverending


I pushed, you pulled away

So many mistakes made

Never able to get it right

Though we tried many times

Somehow we always stayed connected


But distance this time brought real peace

In my solitude, I was able to make sense of things

I was miserable more than I was happy

It doesn’t take the joy away from the good times

It can’t take away the love that was shared


What it did however was bring perspective

We brought out the worst in one another

I tried too hard, you tried too little

We were harsh, unfeeling

It never should have gotten that way


I grieve for what was

For the love you gave

That is now gone

For what could have been

But now never will be


You’re no longer my sun

Though I now see

That no one should be

I should be able to stand alone

To feel whole without another


In that true sense of peace

Loving who I am

This is when things will come together

And we will bring out the best in one another

The sun will then shine on us both


I cry as I say good-bye to yesterday

To what was

To old dreams

To cherished memories

To you


I reflect on today

On what is

On new dreams

On the memories to be made

On tomorrow


I’m no longer bitter

There’s no need to be

I think of you and wish you the best

For I still wish you every happiness

As I always have and always will


Walking ahead

The light is stunning

It takes my breath away

It tells me all will be alright

Not to fear what’s to come


Don’t look back

You’re not going that way

Follow the path that is in front of you

The first steps are the hardest

But you can do this


For so long I feared change

To leave what I’ve known for so long

That is a big reason why I stayed

Why I never really tried to move on

The unknown was too much for me


Now I embrace change

Seeing what is around that next corner

Leaning forward

Trying so hard to see

What lies ahead for me


Well this is it

It’s time to go

One last farewell

Now I dry my tears

And begin to move on

Come, sit a spell and enter my mind

I have so much I want to share with you all today. My mind is a chaotic place, as it often is, and I usually find that writing my thoughts out is the best way for me to sort things out. And, I want the people I love to know me, to really find ways to understand me, at least as much as one possibly can. 😉

Being bi-polar is full of it’s ups and downs. Some days are extremely dark, some days are extremely colorful. I also have my days where I am just here, those are probably the easiest to manage. 😉 Right now, I am riding high. I am extremely optimistic about my future and about my son’s and grandma’s too. I know there is a lot to do with the house yet, but when I look at where we started, I know we have gotten an awful lot done. It’s taking longer than originally anticipated, but I have faith that things will get done and then things can finally settle down for everyone. I know through this whole thing there has been and is yet to be tension and disagreements, especially with my uncle, but we’re all strong individuals who will get through this and not to mention, we all have people who are there to help us get through it. It helps knowing none of us are alone in this.

I see my future, my not so distant future, a bit more clearly right now. I am going to move in with my grandma, to care for her and care for the house. This will be stressful, but it will also be an incredible bonding experience for her and I. I think this is going to bring us even closer than we already are.  While doing this, I know I can get paid to care for her which is going to enable me to not only give her something for living there, pay my own bills, but also enable me to take care of some things I have had a hard time doing before. I will finally catch up on old debts for one thing, but there are many more things I want to accomplish like being able to get more involved in Zach’s things. Not having a set work schedule will allow me to pick up my son from school instead of Jason’s place and this will allow me to talk to his teacher in person at least a couple of times a month. I want a more hands on experience with Zach’s schooling. I can focus more on my writing and getting my stuff properly published. I think this whole thing is going to be good for my grandma, for my son, and for myself. I know this is going to be a lot of hard work and I am going to get stressed out, but I KNOW I can handle it and I KNOW we will all be better for it. My son is going to learn a lot in this as well, he will be helping out too when he is home with me. He is going to learn and grow through this and I also want him to form a real bond with her, one like I have, while he still has a chance to do so….

By the way, I want to give yet another shout out to my friend Jessy who has helped out so much with this cleaning project. We have gotten a lot more done because of her and I am so beyond grateful to her. I love this girl so much. And, to anyone who does help in the future….especially with taping up the cracks in the walls, painting, finishing the floors, scouring, working on the gutters, and so on, thank you to you as well. There is still a lot to be done and anyone who finds themselves able to pitch in will be greatly appreciated and we will, as a family, find a way to pay you….both in cash and in gratitude. My grandma knows what Jessy has done and what is yet to be done, we all know that this has been a lot to ask of my friends and you will be compensated and beyond appreciated.

I want to say something about love, but every single time I start to figure out what I am going to say, I get lost. I don’t know what’s going to happen and I am done trying to figure it out. I think things will come together on their own and I just need to find a way to stop focusing so hard on all of it. In time, it will all get sorted out, just like everything else. Much like the situation with the house, it’s going to take time, but in the end, it will all come together. Perhaps it will be like so many people say, when I am busy focusing on other things is when it will fall into place. God is good, I believe in Him and have faith that my life, in all areas, will be as it should be.

Life is rough sometimes, but I think that it needs to be or we’d never grow and we’d never know just how wonderful it can be. A lot of bad things have happened, but a lot of good things have happened as well. I have said and done plenty I am not proud of, but I have grown from all of that. I also know that I have said and done a lot that has brought joy, peace, laughter, and love into other’s lives. So many have done the same for me and that reminds me that life really is worth living, that there is still so much good in the world. Hate, sorrow, greed, and so on have prevailed a lot, but evil hasn’t won. There are still a lot of people here who know what it means to love one another, to help one another, to find joy in the simplest of things. Sometimes we make too big of a deal over things that shouldn’t really matter. :/ I know I am guilty of making a mountain out of a molehill at times. When I am able to take time and appreciate what I do have, to think things through, to remember the blessings, to appreciate those in my life who love me, to let the unimportant things go, to forgive….that is when life is at its best, not when I am worrying, fighting over stupid things, and so on. I need to do that more, enjoy life, fight less, and love more……

Dark Side

The sun is shining

The air is just right

Smells of summer still linger

I try with all I have to enjoy it

But inside, the darkness grows

Sometimes I’m so optimistic

The hope I feel is so strong

It fills me up

Sends me soaring

Truly feeling like I could fly

There are times when I’m just here

Not feeling much of anything

It’s sort of discomforting

But right now

I’d take that over this

When the depression takes hold

And the storms rage inside my head

It feels like an endless battle

The waters seek to take me down

To drown any hope from my soul

I always have some fight in me

Or I wouldn’t yet be here

But that doesn’t change the pain

Doesn’t ease it

Doesn’t take it away

I’m always at constant war within myself

Fighting demons inside my mind

The darkness trying to take me

Trying to snuff out the light

Clawing at the goodness in my heart

I will always fight it

But people need to understand

Or at least try to

There will be many times

When the darkness is inescapable

God is my light

The rock on which I stand

That keeps me going

But sometimes I slip

And I become blind

My moods shift like the tides

Sometimes I ride high for awhile

Flying about on the winds of hope and love

But then the dark waters take me down

Anger festers, sadness grows

Though from these ever changing winds

Brings about creativity

Flowing from my emotions

Are the very words my mouth can not speak

Painting you a portrait so vivid, so real

I do not wish to change who I am

Just perhaps strengthen my faith

So that when the storms hit

They’re easier to overcome

That is a daily battle

Don’t try to change me

Love me as I am

Accept the changing tides

Embrace me when I fall

And fly with me when I’m above it all

Can you do that?

Be there when I’m lying upon the rock

Being pulled in by the hands of darkness

Grab my hands

Let the rain from my eyes soak your shirt

Will you brave the wars of fire

Know how to handle the rage

Or will you run

I’m hoping you’ll stay

But I won’t force you

Today is a dark day

At the surface

Sadness seeks to pull me in

Will you be there?

Or will you run?

And when tomorrow comes

Where will you be?

I’m not easy to handle

Though I feel as if I’m worth it

Worth the effort to stick around

Everyone has a dark side

It just manifests itself differently

Within each soul

I can love yours

Can you love mine?

(inspired by Kelly Clarkson’s song: Dark Side)

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