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Archive for August, 2012

Better Than This

It’s Wednesday night
He’s out at the bar with the guys
Instead of being at home
Tucking his little girl in
Reading her Green Eggs & Ham

A little voice tries to speak to him
He hears it
You know where you belong
You’re better than this
But I’m not sure I can do it

I’m not ready
He tells himself
I can’t do this
There’s a part of him that wants to
But a bigger part that’s scared

A little voice tries to speak to him
He hears it
You know where you belong
You’re better than this
But I’m not sure I can do it

What if I mess up?
What if I fail her?
I want to be there
To give her everything she needs
To be the father she deserves

A little voice tries to speak to him
He hears it
You know where you belong
You’re better than this
But I’m not sure I can do it

As time passes
He finds himself going out less and less
He found a decent job
Saving money to get the place he’s been eyeing
The one with the big yard

A little voice tries to speak to him
He hears it
You know where you belong
You’re better than this
Maybe I can do this

His buddies call
Asking to him to tie one on after work
He passes and heads home
Her room is nearly finished
He looks at it, wishing she were there

A little voice tries to speak to him
He hears it
You know where you belong
You’re better than this
I want to do this

The house is a mess
Her homework is scattered on the floor
Dishes in the sink from a big family dinner
She sits there trying to figure out a math problem
He walks over to help her

A little voice tries to speak to him
He hears it
You know where you belong
You’re better than this
I know I can do this

It took awhile
A lot of growing up
Changes were made
Now he is the parent he’s dreamed of being
And the man he was destined to be

A little voice tries to speak to him
He hears it
You’re finally where you belong
Yes, she’s home
She’s where she belongs

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Not Yet, But Perhaps One Day

The way that I feel when I am with you
Takes my breath away
I still get so nervous when you’re so close
Like a girl who has yet to experience her first kiss
It’s such an intense thing

When you’re not here
I find that I miss you
Even if I just saw you the night before
Your cold hands in mine feel natural
Hearing your laugh is music to my ears

You hold me when I’m sad
No words are said
Just your presence is enough
I fall asleep to your scent
And it takes me to my happy place

I like talking with you about anything and everything
Music, sports, family, frustrations, goals
There’s nothing I can’t share with you
Perhaps you feel the same?
Your blazing blue eyes are hard to read

We have talked about “us” before
I know the feelings are there
But it’s not the right time
Not for you
And not for me

We both have so much going on right now
The time to enter into something serious isn’t yet
Not when both of our lives are in such turmoil
But it is nice to have you there as a friend
With the hint of something more

One day when the dust settles
When we can think straight
And offer all we have to someone
Perhaps that is when we’ll find our way
Not yet, but perhaps one day

So that’s what the floor looks like….

Alright. Here’s an update on the progress we’ve made at Grandma’s house….

We got her room gutted. The dressers are cleared out, the closet floor and shelves are cleared off, the carpet is out, her bed is gone, the trash and clutter is gone, etc. There is a good start to the living room, we just need to bag stuff up and throw it out and then finish ripping the carpet out. The kitchen and bathroom need to be finished. The basement hasn’t even been started, from what I know anyway and my uncle has a long ways to go with the upstairs which contains his bedroom, his junk room, and everything in that hallway. Ugh. The dumpster is nearly full and we have a lot left to do. It’s really been frustrating, but at least we have made a lot of progress. I’m trying to stay sane through all of this, but I have to admit I am losing it a bit. God, grant me the strength to continue and see it through till the end. Remind me why we’re doing this and remind me of what the end result should be….

My kid didn’t help at all today and I am really frustrated that he was more concerned with what he could have, what he could take home than he was with helping. For the most part, I just tried to keep him outside and out of my hair since he refused to cooperate. Right now, he’s in his room sulking because I wouldn’t let him have his way on something. I’d be more willing to work with him if he’d helped today, if he’d not gotten an attitude with me, if he’d not demanded that my uncle give him things, if he’d just listened period. I have a feeling it’s going to be a very long two weeks…..

Despite feeling at my wits end lately, I am able to remember that I am blessed. I have some amazing people in my life who have really been there for me. God really is good. And, my unemployment came through finally and my food stamps kicked in too. It’s nice to not have to worry so much about finances at the present moment, to know that I have something coming in while I work on my grandma’s house. I sometimes wonder if everything fell apart when it did so that I could be here for my grandma, to help her, to help clean the house, to get things taken care of, etc. And, it seems at this point that once the house is ready that I’d be moving in to help take care of her….make sure she takes her medicines, to make sure her bills are paid and on time, to keep the house clean and organized, to help her run errands, etc and finding that I can get paid to do that, well maybe that is to be my job then? After all she’s done for me, I really owe her. She is an amazing person that I love more than I can say. She took care of me in so many ways throughout the years, so it’s my turn to take care of her and if I can get paid to do it, hey, even better. We shall see how it all pans out and as there are developments, I will post them. Thanks for reading!!!

And the adventures continue

Well, right now the situation with my grandma stands as thus:

My uncle Scott & aunt Mary are going to come over from Minnesota to pick up my grandma for the time being while those of us around here work on the house. They’re doing this to save Grandma money. We’re cleaning out the house to save her money as well. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks the house will be totally gutted and the exterminators will have come in to do their job and then we can begin the repairs that need to be done to the house.

After that, we don’t know what’s going to happen for sure. My uncle Scott proposed the idea of turning their basement into a little apartment for Grandma so she could stay with them. I also suggested that once the house is taken care of that I’d move in with her and take care of her since she can’t live alone, we just know that’s not possible for her anymore. My uncle Lyle was living there, but he wasn’t really looking after her and definitely wasn’t taking care of the house. They both destroyed it. So, I told Uncle Scott, my mom, and even Grandma that I don’t want Lyle to live there again. I love Lyle very much, but he’s a hoarder like Grandma, is messy and doesn’t clean up after himself, or even take proper care of his dog. I think it’s time Lyle go off on his own for a change. I don’t know what he will do. I do wish him well, he is a good person, just isn’t the one to care for my grandma. I would keep the house clean and organized. I would take care of Grandma, make sure her medicine gets taken, her errands get taken care of, her finances managed, etc etc. But, in the end, the decision is hers and I am not going to try to force her to decide one way or another. If she’d rather be by Scott, I’d support that. I know he and Mary would take care of her and who knows, maybe she’d find she’s happier there. I worry about her a lot. I want her to be happy, to be safe. I hope to have more news and hopefully good news about all of this soon. I will keep you all updated.

As for my world outside of that, my finances are alright at the moment. Unemployment kicked in and I found I had a lot of money on the child support card, enough to pay my bills for the month. I applied to more jobs this weekend, hopefully something pans out and soon. I have faith that it will….

Otherwise, life is going alright. My kiddo just went back to his dad’s for a week. I miss him, but it will be easier to work on the house this week without my boy here and I can get some errands taken care of too. Perhaps I will find a friend or two to hang out with, watch movies with, laugh with, talk to. We shall see! I know it will be a busy week, here’s hoping it’s also a good one!

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