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Archive for July, 2012

Mutter mutter

Life is definitely not a bowl of cherries for me right now.

 

*mutter mutter*

 

Though at least some things are settled temporarily. My grandma is staying somewhere that is clean, safe, & that is close by. She’s not happy about it, but she’s accepted what is for the moment. There will be a lot more stress to come with this. We have to gut the house, fix things, and figure out what we’re doing with the place. I know there will be fights amongst certain family members, but perhaps some things just need to be said. I am trying to remain calm, keep the faith that things will turn out alright.

 

I am still on the hunt for a job, hoping and praying that what I get is good enough for me to get things done for Zach and to hold onto our family’s house. I need something that will allow me to live the life I want, which would be first one that provides for my son in ways that Jason has been able to. Also, I would like to live somewhere that has things like underground parking, central air, etc. Plain and simple, I am tired of struggling. I want to be able to get by month to month without worrying. God has a plan and I am trying to remember that each day. I will get through all of this somehow.

 

Guys! Oh bah! I don’t even know what to say about that right now. My head is a mess. I am trying to get over someone and on one level, I am doing alright. But then, often when I am alone….visions of him enter my mind and I find that I miss him more than I want to admit to anyone, especially myself. But, I am doing what is best for me at the moment. I am stepping back from him and reevaluating everything. As my friend put it, I should look more for just someone, but the right one….whomever that is and whenever it’s meant to be, I need to again remember that God knows what He’s doing. Eventually, my heart will sort the thoughts out and lead me in the right direction, right?

 

*mutter mutter*

 

Well, my friends, this is all for now. I will share more in the days to come. God speed!

Welcome, take a step into my mind…..

I have been thinking about doing this for quite awhile, blogging that is. And then my good friend Courtney read my most recent blog on facebook and made the suggestion that I start a blog for all to be able to read. I have quite the story to tell, hope you’ll enjoy reading what I have to say. Some things are cheery, some really dark. But I hope to inspire at least one person with my tale. In this blog, I will include the blog I had just written on facebook yesterday. Happy reading!!!

My heart has been torn in so many directions lately. I have been unsure of what to do, which direction to go. I have had so many people pulling at me and it’s only left me confused. But, finally….after a lot of soul searching, I have begun to figure things out.

I have finally begun to speak my mind, finally getting rid of the fear and pushing back my hatred of confrontation. I spoke my mind to a few family members because I am tired of how things have been. I hope things turn around and get better now that they know how I feel. But as I said in a prior status, all I can control is my own actions and reactions. Maybe they will continue to ignore me, maybe not. But no matter the outcome, at least I said what I had to say. There will be a lot more of that to come, a lot needs to be dealt with. I am tired of living with the hurt and the anger. I am beginning to feel more peaceful already, so I am anxious to see how I will feel with each letter/e-mail I write.

I cut out some people in my life that I didn’t stop caring about, but I realized things are either different now and no amount of trying to bring the past back will change how things are now….that we’ve grown apart or all they’re doing is hurting me and bringing me down, so I needed to cut ties. It’s been a painful process, but it needs to be done. I want to surround myself with those who are there for me, who lift me up, who believe in me. I can’t handle being blown off, lied to, constantly let down, etc….not anymore. I will always care about those I let go and will remember the good times we have had, but it’s just time to move on. I miss how close Travis and I used to be. I miss the good times with Marty. I have shared many good times with Jesse. And so on and so forth….but yes, it’s just time.

I have a number of admirers lately and that’s been confusing too. But, it hit me really recently where my heart is trying to take me, where it has been for awhile….but there was just too much in the way and I just wasn’t ready to let Jesse go, but now that I am….I am ready to take steps towards someone else, someone I have had deep feelings for for quite a long time now, someone who has been a great friend….who has proven himself, who has been there for me when I need him. Something may pan out and it may not, but I am finally ready to find out if there is a chance for happiness with him. If after everything, we find we’re not going to be anything more than friends….I can live with that. But like I said, I am ready to find out and to be honest, I am extremely excited to see where this path will lead. I am falling for him, big time. I haven’t been so happy/giddy over a guy in a long time. I am scared, no lying….but I can’t let fear hold me back and it won’t, it won’t stop me…..

I am applying to jobs left and right. Thanks by the way to those who have given me leads! I appreciate all the help people have given me in this search. Being here at Joe and Laura’s the last few days has shown me I like this life and I will find a way to have it for myself. I know I can have it, just got to work for it. Having underground parking, central air, a pool/workout room/hot tub on site, etc is awesome…why should I not have that life? I will find a way to earn it. Perhaps the job I land will enable me to finally do this and then I will really be able to give Zach things I never had. 🙂 I feel badly that I haven’t been able to provide for him in ways that Jason can. I know it’s not all about money and things, in fact it’s about a lot more than that. I do love my son with all of my heart and I show him that, that counts for a lot. And, one way or another, I have always found a way to provide for my son….but I am so sick of struggling to do so. I will make things better for us. I dream big and I aim to make those dreams a reality. 🙂

Summer is here and now is the time to listen to music loud with the windows down, hang out on the deck or by the pool….grilling out, hanging out with loved ones. I aim to make the rest of the summer amazing for me, my son, and the rest of the people I love when they’re with me. I want us to make wonderful memories. Life is short, let’s live it to the fullest each day we’re given to do so.

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